sex
May 7, 2024

What does an affair mean for the relationship?

David Schnarch is standing in a dance hall in Berlin. In front of him are chairs lined with people who look at him expectantly. The fabric-covered chandeliers above their heads seem a bit out of place. Because Schnarch, an internationally renowned couple and sex therapist, gives here today no tango lessons, but takes care of a different kind of dance: to affairs in relationships and how to deal with it. Schnarch looks into the audience and says in a friendly voice: "I want every one of you who has never had an affair or whose partner has never had an affair to raise your hand." Nothing happens first. Then hesitantly two pairs of hands go up - in a room with at least 80 people. Snore grins. "That's the way it is in every seminar," he says.

Also my hand stays down. So far, the man I've been with for the past four years and I have been faithful, but in previous relationships, affairs occurred. This is not particularly surprising, according to statistics, every second partner at some point alien. So I'm not the only one who has done that, but I do not find that particularly comforting. Because regardless of whether I was alienated or betrayed myself, the situations in which the infidelities came to light, were always terrible. I really hope you can do it better. Maybe Snore can even tell me how to prevent infidelity. After all, the man is a relationship professional.

My partner should be loyal, but not necessarily me

The first aha effect begins when Schnarch describes a typical relationship that he calls the "two-way dilemma". I feel caught. And I'm not the only one to judge the faces around me. "In each relationship, both partners have a choice," says Schnarch. "And in any immature relationship, each partner tries to have more than one choice, but leaves the other one alone, so it looks like this: I choose to want a monogamous relationship, but I really want that only for my partner, I would like to be allowed to sleep with others, or: I make the choice that I do not want sex in my relationship.

But my partner may still only have sex with me. So I take my partner's choice and have two for myself. "A listener laughs, the rest looks thoughtful or eagerly taking notes, and the next realization comes when Snore explains why most of us are so uncomfortable with unfaithfulness : We pay attention to the wrong things Anyone who knows what it's like when an affair flies up knows that: One is deeply hurt, the other begs pardon, wrong approach, says David Schnarch Sorry, the partner says:? Nice for you. You can do me, "says the psychologist, grinning." Not surprising, because who does forgiveness bring? "

Why do we cope with ourselves when the partner has committed an infidelity?

Immediately I remember how my ex-boyfriend almost went to his knees when he begged forgiveness for his infidelity, back in summer on our balcony. The more he squirmed, the worse I felt. Something is not right here, told me my feeling. He had broken something for both of us. And I should cure that by giving him absolution? "The request for forgiveness reinforces the feeling of the faithful partner that something has been done to him", and there, according to Schnarch, there is a problem: the deceived only concentrates on the feeling of humiliation - and feels bad.

According to Schnarch, this pain is a misunderstanding. Of course it hurts when the partner goes alien. But one should not unnecessarily associate the pain with shame. A shame that comes through what he calls a lack of "differentiation". In other words, the partners are so symbiotically connected that they can no longer distinguish between their own and their partner's problem. If the partner is unfamiliar, the automatic thought is: "This says something about me." Something's wrong with me. "

But why do we kill ourselves when we get cheated? Cheating, says Schnarch, says something about the foreigner. Namely, that has broken a joint agreement unilaterally. When the loyal partner makes that clear, he can focus on what matters most in this situation: himself.

An infidelity offers opportunities for development

That makes sense to me. I remember how embarrassing it was then to tell my family about the scam. How uncomfortable to endure the compassionate looks of my girlfriends. I felt that I had failed, but I did not know to what extent.Maybe the affair was a sign that my friend was missing something, that he wanted something I could not give him. But the decision not to solve the problem with me, but to outsource it by sleeping with someone else - that was his own thing. If that had been clear to me then, I might have behaved differently.

Had the shame gone, maybe it would have been stronger and would have looked closer at the relationship. But this was how it was done in a classic way: he was sorry, I forgave him, nobody wanted to devote himself to the real problem. No wonder we are not together anymore. Because the game of regret and forgiveness also keeps the stranger away from dealing with the situation properly.

Nevertheless, affairs remain hard for love. But if you keep it with snoring, they offer good development opportunities. "A relationship that builds on the idea that you always feel well and secure in it, someone has thought that was never married," said Schnarch several times. What sounds like a comforting joke is a pretty radical concept of love. Because monogamy, the exclusive decision for a human being, is radical in many ways. Especially in times when some change their partners as often as their smartphones.

Any harmony will be interrupted at some point

Schnarch is convinced that, against all odds, long, exclusive relationships are not only possible but have tremendous potential. Because there is no alternative in it. You completely settle on the other and persistently work through everything that comes up over time. And there is always something going on. "Nobody is more trouble than your own partner, except maybe your own mother," says Schnarch. And sees no problem in it. He is probably right: the biggest help in dealing with affairs, or even with relationships, is the change of perspective. Any harmony will be interrupted at some point.

If you want to deal with it, you can only - grow. With this in mind, I am looking forward to my husband on the way home. I hope we manage to stay true to each other. Even though we're probably going to cause each other a hell of a lot of trouble.

Afflicted tell: So I caught my partner in the fling

Whether meet2cheat, Lovepoint, Firstaffair or Joyclub ... there are many Flirtportale in the net, on which one finds potential affairs. However, you do not need online portals to cheat. For whether with or without an espionage agency - basically it's pretty "easy" to cheat on the partner. A company party, too much alcohol ... zack, you end up in bed with your colleague. It is much more difficult than cheating to keep the infidelity or affair a secret. Famous example: Sarah Lombardi, who cheated on her husband Pietro with her ex-boyfriend. A published photo let fly the whole thing. For Pietro this was of course a slap in the face - and the death sentence for the partnership.

It is incredibly hard to learn in retrospect that the partner has committed an infidelity or even had an affair for an extended period of time. At least as hard it is, however, to catch his partner in the act of escaping. Because one thing is for sure: the pictures never go out of their heads again! On the online platform "Reddit" victims tell how they experienced this moment. You will shake your head, how brazen some people are! But surely one or the other time smiles about the reaction of those involved ...

The puppy helps

User Hauppage "My puppy had gone into the apartment, because I did not find any towels in the bathroom, I went to the bedroom and there they were - would not have hurt so much if it had not been for a close friend."

That was obvious!

clockworknyxia: "I caught him and the neighbor when he was about to come in. He abruptly stopped and his sperm landed in her eye, she had a red eye for a week, which was one of the moments when I witnessed karma was! "

Enemies become friends

Prannke: "We had a date for dinner on my birthday and he waited for my work, my boss let me out a few minutes earlier - and caught him red-handed just saying goodbye to another woman with a kiss It turned out that none of us women knew what we had for a guy on the hook, we both left him and became good friends, I was even at their wedding, life can be so funny! "

Expensive infidelity

Grinder 312: "I caught my ex-fiancé sleeping with my colleague six weeks before the wedding, and I quit and had to pay all the expenses due to the wedding because we could not cancel and I was the only one who signed the contracts . "

The roommate with the sword

imnotgood: "I used to come home and the door was locked, it was never like that! So I opened it very carefully and got my girlfriend and roommate in bed, she had to get her stuff out of my room in his room right away.Then one week later I got involved with one of her friends and she was angry. The two then moved out at the end of the month. Later, they tried to break into the apartment when I was working. What they did not know: I had a new roommate. He drew his sword - that was epic! "

The mother is a witness

chillhoneybunny28: "One of my colleagues wanted to go to her friend's house to get her charger out of work, and she went to his bedroom and saw him lying in bed with another woman, who immediately took a picture - and sent it to his mother!"

Revenge is sweet

Small Blue: "I did not catch her in the act, but I stepped into the used condom, so I chilled a bit in her house, took a beer from the fridge, drank it on the patio, lit firewood, and started to beat me, then I peed on her toothbrush and left. "

Should one confess to the partner the infidelity?

One has gone astray and the bad conscience sits on the neck. Should one confess or not? Book author Ursula Nuber ("What couples need to know") recommends keeping an affair for themselves. "Those who confess such an infidelity usually only expect absolution for a slip-up," she says. For the betrayed but the matter is not completed by confessing. He blames himself for doing something wrong, questions him, and he is deeply hurt.

If you fall in love with someone else, that's another matter. Then, anyway, the question arises whether one wants to hold on to the current relationship. Either way, flinging is almost always a burden on the relationship. Whether you confess or not? and in the worst case there is separation or divorce. Some partnerships can be saved by a couple therapist. To go this way, however, both partners must open up and be willing to work on the relationship.