divorce
April 26, 2024

"Without dad, it works too"

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: In your new book you write about "Happy Divorce Children". Is not that a beautification?

Remo H. Largo: We did a lot of interviews for our book. They prove that divorce does not necessarily make children unhappy. And: An intact family is no guarantee for a happy childhood. It depends on the quality of the relationship, not on the family model. There are children who grow up as happy as the others after divorce. Thank God. After all, today one-sixth of all children are divorce children. Only politicians still pretend that society is made up of all intact families.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: But nobody can be happy right after a breakup?

Remo H. Largo: That's true, of course. The time right after a divorce is stress. We do not want to downplay that. But how do the children feel in the years after? That's what we were about.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: What do divorce children need most of all to be happy?

Remo H. Largo: Time! The parents have to take their time. And they have to manage to come to terms with the ex-partner reasonably, to manage the separation. Many parents do it well, without much fanfare. But nobody really talks about them, which I regret.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Nevertheless, many of them are actually fighting for a breakup ...

Remo H. Largo: Yes, unfortunately there are such couples as well. Mothers or fathers who let their anger out in front of the child. They think it is enough to tell the child: we are arguing, but that has nothing to do with you. But the children suffer from the negative feelings of the parents. They always relate to them, feel rejected and can not distinguish themselves against it. For a child, it is immensely important for parents to find a way in the long run to get along without hate and possibly even support each other as parents. Such parents exist.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: But if a man has cheated on a woman, even beaten her - how can she come to terms with him?

Remo H. Largo: Of course, if a woman - or even a man - has been deeply hurt, it's very difficult. There are mothers who overcome this with therapy. Others stay drawn for a lifetime. This is her own biography! The question is: Should the child also suffer because the mother has had such a bad experience?

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Some mothers want to pay homage to their ex by denying them the children. Experts speak of the PAS, the Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Remo H. Largo: Fortunately, this is relatively rare - even fathers can show this behavior by the way. These mothers do not realize what price the children have to pay. And they do not consider that the children can repay them later. I know some families where the children never returned to their mothers as adults but resumed their relationship with the father.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: But are mothers always to blame if children lose contact with their father?

Remo H. Largo: No. Often, unfortunately, it is up to the fathers. They are overwhelmed: most do not know how to feed, dress and put the child to bed. But the most important thing is that their relationship with the children was not sustainable enough before the divorce to continue afterwards. This is a disaster for fathers and children!

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: But there are all the new fathers ...

Remo H. Largo: About. This is unfortunately a minority. These so-called intact families? that is a lot of facade and non-lived relationship. In a study in Ticino we asked: how many fathers wrap their children? It was a whole seven percent! And do you know how much time fathers in intact families spend on average per day with the children? Without meals 20 minutes. Is that enough?

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: So the fathers are not that important after the divorce?

Remo H. Largo: Yes. But the more important, the more they have participated before. If the father has read a story to the child every evening and played with it, then the child suffers a real loss when the father is suddenly gone. The child can only miss what it has experienced before - everything else is ideology.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: If my child is unhappy after a divorce, did I fail then?

Remo H. Largo: No. Most mothers do their best. Besides, it is normal that sometimes you are sad. A bad conscience does not help anyone. However, if one spoils the child's father (or mother), then the question of guilt is raised. Thank God there are more and more couples saying: I have suffered, but that's why it does not have to be bad for my child.