Euthanasia: "I helped my parents die"
Funny to see death coming in the form of a person. Handbag, pageboy, summery blouse. I picked up the woman for a preliminary discussion on the platform. For me, it was strange to welcome someone and actually want to send him away right away. How do you solve this? With small talk. We sat in the car and chatted. The weather, the train journey, the trains have lately been so often late. But most of all, you solve it by becoming aware of why you are doing what you are doing.
My parents were waiting for us. I noticed that Paps had changed, a silk pajama. Mama had made up her lips. That's how they were, my parents: keep your attitude, always. If the conversation with the assistant had not taken place in the bedroom, one would have thought that it was about taking out insurance. Objectively motives, procedures and modes of action were explained. And recorded.
They were not allowed to go together - a slap in the face
Then the woman said, "I can not let you go together." Three days should be in between. That's the law. Words like a slap in the face for my parents. Nevertheless, I remember them as coherent, the days until it would be on Thursday on it so far. Paps had decided to go first. The decision to help my parents die had a long history.
Mama suffered from emphysema. Was often panicked when her breathing became worse again. But her open talk about her concerns confirmed my hope: we're going through this together, somehow. Father fell ill with her four years later. The diagnosis lung cancer was a shock. Paps, this proud, sporty man. Since the time of her illness, the mother had been so caringly cared for and taken care of. I will never forget them, the weeks after Father's tumor surgery, which my parents spent together in a high altitude clinic. On sunny terraces, wrapped in blankets.
It was moving to feel so clear again what made this love. My mother was English, my father a Swiss businessman, traveling a lot. She was 21 when she met him at a dance hall in Manchester. And gave up everything for him: the home. And the independence. They were a good couple and stayed that way, all their lives. I have never met a happier relationship. But no more symbiotic. And with the joy of seeing my parents so intimately, the fear came: What if one person were without the other? I had no idea how quickly this question would be approached. The doctors had given us hope first. But the cancer exploded in my father's body. Even morphine eventually stopped responding to the pain.
I thought: You can not just give up your own parents.
Early on, when they were fully fit, my parents decided to become a member of an euthanasia organization. Back then, when my mother handed me the envelope - containing a living will, will and two ID cards from the Exit Organization - I cried. And the documents stowed somewhere at the bottom of the secretary. I almost forgot him. Repressed.
And then it was time, they wanted to die. How remotely I went to the secretary. Took the documents, read them carefully. I realized that I was challenged. Had to take a stand, specifically, not in general. I thought: Can not do it, your own parents so nothing to me, give you nothing. And what if they really wanted something completely different? How could I know that?
I moved in with them, the driving lesson between us was just too long in the long run. I cooked, cared, and finally spoke plain: The boss would have given me leave, would do it in the longer term, some of the work I could do online. My mother silently took me in her arms. That was the moment when I knew she would call Exit.
She picked up the phone the same day. And I knew that this conversation was not just about my dad. I went to the balcony. Because you can not take it, that hurts. Also for the second phone call, with the family doctor, I left the room. Certificates should confirm the incurability of their diseases. I was torn. I just could not say anything now. I had to fight, for her, for me. But how selfish may love be?
One advantage of the planned death: Nothing remains unspoken
And then she was sitting with my parents, this woman who would give them death. I myself had taken her to the apartment, the thought hurt. I talked quietly to myself: she means well, the woman. Only do what we want. Does it even voluntarily and honorary, dying companion may earn nothing. My parents stayed in bed for the conversation.My father would have brewed tea under normal circumstances, put cakes down. Offered a place. The woman got herself a chair. Sorted documents. I became calmer. Because there was definitely no way back? It was probably this gratitude that I felt at this moment, both. And this mutual trust, which I knew was in fact nothing to shake now.
One advantage of the planned death: Nothing remains unspoken. For three hours we sat in threes with shutters in their marriage bed. And let our silhouettes create a common past. Here's an anecdote, as it's an important section. Above all: the years abroad; Papa's job had taken us first to Australia, then to the USA. Later, we undertook countless long-distance trips from Switzerland.
We were at home all over the world and as a family we were always with us, it had always been that way. It's nice to be so aware before saying goodbye. To laugh. To cry. To feel that it could not have been better. In between, I just lay there and listened to my parents' breath when they had nodded off for hours, but continued to hold their hands in their sleep. Before my father purposefully lifted the glass and drank the medicine cocktail, we said goodbye. A picture I will never forget. Almost blissful were the contiguous faces of my parents at their last embrace. As if there was this certainty to see each other again soon.
When I was left alone, I collapsed
My father fell asleep quickly. But his heart must have been strong, it kept beating for hours. And my mother was sitting in the next room all the time, chattering. And was also restless the next day and phoned around and said that Fritz had died of cancer, and ended every phone call with "See you soon."
I became skeptical. Was she really that far? Could not her life be worth living alone or as the disease progressed? I could go on sitting in bed with her, remembering with her, telling. I thought first. But then I heard her crying for hours at night and shouting "Fritz." And I saw her expectant smile when finally the woman came back.
Both times the police and the medical officer were called afterwards. The officers went through the house, checking the signed contracts, the glasses, the vial of the toxic substance, the dying woman had prepared everything on a tray. The processes seemed routine, and I felt an inner peace.
But when I was left alone, something happened that I had not expected. The total collapse. Tremble. Cry. And this question, which then wound through my brain like an endless loop: Did that really have to be? Years later I asked myself that a few times, shopping, traveling, musical visits, all the things that Mama loved to do. Maybe she would have had two, three years left. But what kind of life would it have been? Yearning produces distorted images. To make that clear means to accept that it is better the way it was.
There were funny expressions of sympathy back then, 15 years ago. I hope I can accept this step, at some point. As if it was something bad, forbidden, with which I would have to get along. When my horse was euthanized a few years ago for a canker tumor, it was different. The sympathetic eyes had something of approval: You can not expect an animal so that it torments itself. I would have liked to correct "a living being". I do not have it. Because that would just have triggered discussions again.
Info: Euthanasia - is she allowed in Germany?
In our case, voluntary death counseling is theoretically allowed, but in practice the case law is difficult. There may be charges for failure to provide assistance. The Federal Court of Justice (BGH) has now overturned this case law in two cases: two doctors were subsequently released from their obligation to save the lives of patients who voluntarily quit their lives. In order to have legal certainty, some people who wish euthanasia go to another country, preferably to Switzerland. In general, everywhere applies: The deadly drug must be taken by the person independently. And: There should be no financial motives behind euthanasia.
Do you have suicidal thoughts or do you know someone who has ever said such? Then please contact the telephone counselor immediately. The free hotline can be reached on 0800-1110111 or 0800-1110222.
You would like to discuss other euthanasia with other victims? Then visit the "Relatives Forum" of the ChroniquesDuVasteMonde community.
An article from the ChroniquesDuVasteMonde
