"Not every form of self-criticism is positive"
Tom Diesbrock is a psychologist, psychotherapist and author of the book "Hermann!
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Mr. Diesbrock, being self-critical is actually something positive. Why does it still bother so many people?
Tom Diesbrock: Not every form of self-criticism is positive and helpful. When I benevolently look at myself and judge in a differentiated way what I like and what I do not like, self-criticism is in a positive sense. As a good teacher criticizes to motivate and encourage improvement. Our inner critic is ticking but very different: He is never satisfied with us - and that really does not help us!
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: How do I know that my inner critic is no longer constructive, but only nagging and paralyzing?
Tom Diesbrock: If my inner critic has the book in his hand, I see only through the black and white glasses. His simple pattern is: The others are okay, and I'm not good enough. In some people, his voice is softly nagging and doubtful, in others it is dominant, devaluing and mean. In the eyes of Hermann - that's what I call the critic in my book - we are too old, too fat, too stupid, too unattractive and so on. And that's why we should try harder. But we can still go to so much trouble, in the end it's not enough anyway. Says Hermann.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: If this nagging part of me is so annoying - can not I just completely get rid of it?
Tom Diesbrock: It does not work because the inner critic is part of our personality. The more we try to ignore and suppress it, the more powerful it becomes. While there are many guidebooks that promise to get rid of it, it's psychologically nonsensical and will not get us anywhere. Much more sense is to accept that we have this part in us, and to deal with it and arrange.
Tom Diesbrock: "Hermann! - From the wise dealing with the inner critic", Patmos Verlag, 120 p.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: What can I do to better accept myself?
Tom Diesbrock: Hermann may be mean and destructive - but he is not angry. Behind his caustic criticism is above all fear, namely the criticism of other people. This part of us is always afraid of being laughed at, criticized and devalued. You know that for certain: I think, for example, that I did not do a task well enough or my appearance is not okay - and immediately I think of other people who are much better than me, and then feel really bad.
The inner critic emerges in our childhood, and he still sees the world as children's eyes: the others are big and right - and we are small, helpless and not okay. If we understand Hermann as an anxious part of us, sitting on our backs to protect ourselves from the criticism of others, it is much easier to accept him, right? But that is only possible if we learn to grow up and do not always fall for Hermann's criticism of us and take it at face value! That's not an easy task.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: You say our inner critic is born as a child. How does this affect me as an adult?
Tom Diesbrock: We all think and feel much more unrendered and irrational than we realize and admit. It is always bad when we do not realize that our inner critic actually controls us: we would like to do something, but we refrain from doing so because we do not trust ourselves. We want to change our career, but stay on our dead horse instead of finally leaving. We want to get to know a person, but think that he could never like someone like us. The consequence is always: We take no risk and remain. Of course, we do not get what we want in this way - and understand it as a confirmation of our negative self-image. A vicious circle.
But when we notice that we are looking through Hermann's glasses, we can ask ourselves what adults really think about us and our possibilities. And think about whether we even want to take a risk and can!
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: So, do parents have a big impact on how destructive my self-criticism is as an adult?
Tom Diesbrock: As parents we can definitely try to create optimal conditions for a positive self-image. Gift for the young psyche is always when you distribute life certificates for good behavior: You are nice, if you do this or that. I like you when you write good grades. If you are always good and obedient, people will accept you. Such sentences do not even need to be pronounced in order to shape us for life.
Children must learn that they are unconditionally lovable and right, however they behave. Negative criticism must always be limited to behavior and must never touch the feeling and being! Otherwise we will only promote powerful inner critics - and not self-confident people.
