Divorce - how life goes on
"I still like him, but I do not want to live with him anymore"
Steffi Schuhmann, 40, looking for a job, a son, a daughter, has left her husband after twenty years of marriage
The end of our marriage was a long process. Until this evening, when I first realized I do not miss my husband, I am glad that he is not there. A realization that opened my eyes. Words such as separation, divorce, couple therapy had often appeared between us, but there were no more conversations. I had retired to the housewife and motherhood, my ex-husband in the profession and the sport. We did not find each other anymore. I think he did not love me back then, but he did not want to leave his children.
Then a man appeared in my life that was the symbol of all that I lacked: affection, desire, closeness. He was in the same situation as me then - he was just leaving his family. We fell in love. These six weeks, in which hardly any of us knew, were the worst, but also the most beautiful weeks. I felt as bad as a pig. I kept asking: Do you really want to end your marriage, does it have a future with the other, will he ever leave his family for you? What should become of the children? I am a divorce child myself and grew up with my father. I suffered a lot, even though my mother lived nearby and we had close contact. So I looked at my son, a sensitive eleven-year-old boy, and thought that now I was doing exactly what had happened to him. I was less worried about my daughter. She is this guy who pulls out the positives of every situation, and so it was: my friend's daughter is now her best friend.
This step of really saying to the partner, I part, there is another man now, that was so hard. I knew I would deeply hurt a person I was associated with for twenty years. The last months of living together were fierce, marked by a mixture of utter despair, lethargy and total disrespect. There were sentences that did not belong in a partnership. But to be as happy as I am today, I had to make that hard cut. The bad conscience with regard to the children is certainly never completely gone, because they now live mostly with me. Her father often sees her, but not everyday. Yet, by now, they have understood that our love was over, and are halfway reconciled with it. Three months ago, my new partner and I moved in together, so now I renounce further maintenance of my ex-husband. We rented a house and live with my children. My friend's daughter also has a room with us when she visits her father on the weekends.
I think we all did it very well in the end. The separation was the best way - and the only one. My ex-husband and I have both changed over the years. I still like him a lot, but I do not want to live with him anymore. He also leads a new, happy relationship now. We have both found partners who are simply better suited to us today.
"I was already too far inside"
Doreen Rydz, 28, a medical assistant, a daughter, was first dumped by her husband, then fell in love with another - and her husband started far too late to fight her
About two years ago, my husband introduced me to accomplished facts: "We will part." I did not suspect that sentence was my salvation. I fell into a deep hole, lost ten pounds and did not know what life was going to be like. I had been sitting at home with the baby until now, had nothing left to decide and turned my husband on - he was my dream man. Today I do not remember why. Since I'm well again, I can imagine that I was suddenly no longer attractive to him. As a boring housewife, I felt, and so I was treated. That would not happen to me now. Okay, I was only 21 when we wanted the baby, and he 23. However, you do not have to hurt yourself like that: "You sit your butt while I go to work" - something like that does not have to be in a marriage be said.
After his separation announcement, I was completely helpless. How should it continue with me and the little one? Our parents tried to convey, "You'll get that back," they said. But there was nothing to be done. One day I was with my parents and went out with my girlfriends. There I met an old acquaintance who was experiencing the same with his wife. I could tell him everything, he understood me, I was blown away. The separation did not seem so terrible to me right now. And then something strange happened: I became interesting again for my husband. He wanted me back. But I was already in love with the others.
At first we met secretly - so I always had something to look forward to. During this time, my husband wanted to be with me all the more. Until I accidentally sent a text message with an invitation to a romantic dinner to the wrong number. My husband was away on business, in Aachen, and I wrote: I'm looking forward to tonight, eating by candlelight ... or something like that. That was of course intended for my friend. I do not know how - my husband stood in front of our door and wanted clarity. He suggested marriage counseling - I had wanted that months ago, but now it was too late. He cried, he asked me to stop the other immediately to save our little family. I honestly tried that, in my presence I phoned my friend and told him that my family is more important now. That I can not just throw away six years. He was sad, but saw it.
My husband tried to charm me but I was already too far inside. And I could not forget the injuries I got in the marriage. Would not he treat me just as carelessly one day? After a short time I met again with my friend. And then we were seen in the disco and everything came out. My husband almost rested, he shivered, he howled, and I just wanted to go away.
Then my friend decided: You stay with me now. I moved in with him. It was a risk, but it has gone well so far. My husband rang storm with us, was just a pile of misery, has cried snot and water. But I stayed strong. A luck. Now we are so well together that it is difficult for me to put myself in the old feelings: this fear, this emotional dependence. I think I have learned something important for my life: I now know what I am worth, with and without a man. But it's just nicer with it.
Meanwhile, my divorce is over, but now my in-laws are fighting for their grandchild. They bribe the little one with great travel and expensive gifts. There are no limits for grandma and grandpa. I can not keep up with my medical assistant salary. And I also do not want my daughter's standards to be so shifted. But over the child now the old stories are held.
"I have become a different person"
Gaby Stauderer, a saleswoman, a daughter, paid a lot of attention to the facade in her marriage until she realized that she had long since left her husband
I fell in love with my husband because I thought he was open-minded and sociable. He was the opposite of me, I am rather shy and reserved. Opposites attract, one says yes. But I was not fine for a long time. Two years after the wedding, I realized that this marriage was a mistake. Nevertheless, I did not split up for another eight years because I wanted to maintain the facade. We even had a baby.
In April 2005, I then had the divorce decree in hand: First, I was liberated, then very lonely. I'm not a guy who likes to live alone. I was happy to have put an end to it, but I asked myself: What am I doing with the time when I'm resting now? To cope with it was difficult. Today I enjoy the two or three hours in the evening when my daughter is in bed, and feel how good it is for me to deal only with myself. This process took probably half a year. Also get used to not appearing as a couple anymore, but as an individual, as a single. In general: I am a different person than before and in marriage. I had given up and hung on the life of another.
My husband always took all the decisions on my own, and I swallowed that. Money was always an issue with us. Of course, I've often thought about what it would be like to split up, but I was just afraid of being alone. After seven years of marriage, I became pregnant. On my thirtieth birthday, I said to my husband, now or never. I wanted a new opportunity for our marriage with the child, hoping for change: that my husband understands that you have to take responsibility for others as well. But that did not work. I always called him the "show daddy," the dad who pushed around in the car with the baby-wrapped and fed child in the car. Only in the course of the many reflections I know today: I needed my daughter to break me from the relationship, and not just so that I kisses a lost relationship.
My decision to file for divorce then went quickly. My father contracted bone cancer two years ago and it took a quarter of a year for him to die. My husband was not there for me, my child or my family during this difficult time. After the funeral, he wanted to go on vacation alone. And suddenly I thought: If I can handle my child and work this week alone, then I can do it without him. It was a rehearsal nobody knew. After that, I went to the attorney with all the documents.Although I feel that I have failed because I did not live up to the social image of having a happy family, I am enriched by a significant life experience: I have found my way to myself. I open more, have friends and do sports, I work and can take care of my daughter. And I know how to do it next time - I'll meet the next man with a lot more distance. I wish for a new partnership, but not at any price.
