The shared child
Heiko Fröhlich has two lives. One is in Berlin, where the 39-year-old works as an interpreter, lecturer and musician. Freelance work is no coincidence, "otherwise it would not be possible," he says. With "all this" he means his second life: Every six to eight weeks he flies for 14 days to Spain. There, in the small town of Badajoz on the southwest coast lives his daughter Paula Rosa.
Paula Rosa is now twelve, she carries her father's last name, but at the same time her mother's, which is common in Spain, no matter if a couple is married. Paula Rosa Fröhlich Galvan was born in 1996. Cheerful was 26 at the time and had already lived in Spain for five years, together with his partner Anna Galvan. "For Anna, an abortion was out of the question," says Fröhlich, "and I was also happy". Nevertheless, the quarrels increased, "we were just too similar," he explains it in retrospect. More and more often he thought about returning to Germany again.
Father mother Child
When they parted, Paula was two and a half. The parents acted: she should not suffer. They wanted to try to continue to be a family, although Frohlich actually moved back to Germany in 1999. From the beginning he flew every few weeks to Spain, "the low-cost airlines were my salvation". At first he lived with acquaintances, it took a few years, until the conflicts between the parents did not escalate every time. Meanwhile, the father has a room in the house of mother and daughter, over Christmas and on vacation, Paula comes to Berlin, and sometimes they even go on a family trip to three - father, mother and child.
Separation children are the product of a love that has gone by - and they forever connect two exponents. This means that one must inevitably rearrange. It often takes a long time for a pair to settle on a model that works well for everyone. Just after a divorce or separation, it is difficult to keep the child out. From the quarrel, the injuries, the allegations. And just with his partner, you have to try together with the clearest possible mind to decide what's best for your child.
Two rooms, two Christmas
In Germany, every third marriage is now divorced, one speaks of about 15 000 children of divorce per year. In addition there are the children from partnerships without marriage, their number is estimated at about 25 000 per year. But even if the stereotypes of always unhappy, disturbed divorce children have been cleared up, one naturally wishes his children to grow up as carefree as possible. If possible, with both parents.
If you believe the statistics, a quarter of the fathers after the separation lose contact with their children. Even if they do not have to travel between two countries like Heiko Fröhlich. Most children still stay with their mother. But no matter how one decides, it is clear that commuting starts with two households: In the past people shared their daily lives, now they share their school holidays, homework help and sometimes even Christmas.
Residence, change or nest?
The most important thing is to first decide on a housing model. Often, parents choose the so-called Residence Model, where the child has his or her main residence with one of the parents and spends the weekend and the vacation with the other parent. The advantage is that the child has a place where his school supplies, his toys and his clothes are, and from where he goes to school every day. The weekend will be packed.
Not disputed is the change model, in which the child lives alternately with one or the other parent. This can be a rhythm of three or two weeks, some also switch between parents every six months or every year. Many psychologists warn against this model, especially for small children, as they need much more regularity than older ones and could feel quickly "torn" between the two households.
Especially in infants, some parents also opt for the nest model, where the child stays in an apartment and the parents alternate with the care according to a set schedule. Often it is the family apartment where everyone used to live together, and the parents each take a second home.
New partner, old children happiness
The models of how to stay as parental couple as possible despite separation are very diverse. Some even live together. But at the latest when a new partner shows up, that can be difficult. Heiko Fröhlich and Anna Galvan both have no new partners. There have been some new relationships in both, but never have the new partners played a bigger role in Paula's life. He himself is always in Berlin "with one leg in Spain" anyway.
A patchwork family are Merry and Galvan not yet. And so they have not experienced any scenes, as they are in some other everyday life. Anyone visiting Gregor Druse and his girlfriend Laura Hertel in Berlin Pankow (all names changed), sees this already on the door plate: There are four surnames. Four because Gregor Druse's daughter Roberta (8) carries the mother's surname, Druse's former girlfriend. Laura Hertel's daughter Susanne (9), on the other hand, has the surname of her father, Laura Hertel's ex-husband. And she herself has taken her former maiden name again, with Druse, she is not married yet.
"Sometimes we lose track of ourselves," says Hertel. She stands in the kitchen of the large old apartment and fills coffee in a filter bag. On the wall are photos of the daughters, in one picture all four sit together on the beach. "Our first holiday together," says Hertel, "we are a constant process". She smiles without looking happy. Patchwork often sounds funny only at the beginning. Since Hertel and Druse got together two years ago, everyone has come to grief: the Expartners, the daughters, the parents with the children, Hertel and Druse.
The, the, the step
A lot is difficult, for example: Roberta lives with her mother and only spends the weekends with her father. Susanne, on the other hand, only sees her father every two weeks. Susanne often reacts bitchy to the stepfather. And Roberta is jealous that the new sister sees her dad more often than she does. There is a constant back and forth in the big flat, sometimes one daughter is there, then the other, then both at once, and in between, says Hertel Gregor and she are happy when we have time for each other.
Since half a year, for example, everything has settled a little better, somehow everyone has "arrived". And Hertel realized one thing above all else: "That a patchwork family is not static, it can always happen that you have to come up with something else again." It may also mean that one of the children moves to the other parent. The 37-year-old can not imagine a common child at the moment, it is already complicated enough.
Exchange year with the father
When Heiko Fröhlich comes to Badajoz, he immerses himself in his second life, he meets his Spanish friends, he even sings in chorus. And with Anna, his ex-girlfriend, he has very clear agreements who is responsible for what. Paula is now really in puberty, says Fröhlich, "sometimes, when she gets angry, she says go back to Germany!" He often feels he needs to be in Spain much more often.
But he also enjoys the independence he has in Berlin. But sometimes I do not have the daily routine, it's often important to just be there, to do trivial things, that's what stays and I miss that. "
When Paula Rosa Fröhlich Galvan is 16 years old, she will move to her father in Berlin for a year. She will go to a European school there, and she and her father will live together for one year without interruptions. "It certainly will not always be easy," says Fröhlich, but you can see that he is looking forward to it. A room in his Berlin apartment is already reserved for her.
More information
Additional links, information and testimonials are available at www.stieffamilien.de, the Association for single mothers and fathers under www.vamv and www.patchworkforum.net.
Literature:
Martina Baumbach, Jan Lieffering (Illustration): "And dad I see on the weekend". A picture book for children from the age of four, Gabriel Verlag 2006, 12,90 Euro. Monika Czernin, Remo H. Largo: "Happy divorce children: separations and how children cope with it", Piper Verlag, 6th edition 2008, 9,95 Euro. Helmuth Figdor: "Children from Divorced Marriages: Between Trauma and Hope: How Children and Parents Experience Separation", Psychosozial-Verlag 2004, 22,90 Euro. E. Mavis Hetherington: "Divorce: The Perspectives of Children", Beltz Verlag 2003, 19,90 Euro. Sabine Walper: "What will become of the children? Opportunities and risks for the development of children from separation and stepfamilies", Juventa Verlag 2002, 20.50 euros.
