Divorce: How do I talk to the child about my feelings?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Divorce gets on your nerves - what kind of feelings can mothers use to talk to their children?
Annette Höpfner: Children definitely feel feelings. So it is important that you give the children authentic and understandable explanations. If you are angry or sad, you should explain in an age-appropriate way why you feel that way. Of course, do not cry out in the sense of yourself - but name reasons that are the age of children understandable. The children often understand much more than you think.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Are there any feelings that should be withheld?
Höpfner: Yes, with all feelings, the fear of loss can cause caution. I would definitely refrain from superlatives. When you override a strong emotion, such as after a phone call with the ex-partner, it's usually better to pause for a moment and let the emotions fade away before talking to the child.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Some abandoned women feel a sense of revenge. Can you talk about it with children?
Höpfner: About extreme feelings I would give information - but you need a lot of tact. To avoid being scared, it's best to use parables from the children's world. Situations or quarrels that the children themselves have experienced are great for this and less fearful.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: If the rage on the ex is so great - is not there a risk that the child will get into a loyalty conflict between mother and father?
Höpfner: Sure, you should not try to fool the child. Children notice that exactly. Tell me about your subjective feelings in the ego-form, for example: "I'm mad at dad." Nevertheless, it is important to me that you understand each other well. Avoid details of your partner problems. Address children's questions and find out what your child thinks and what he or she is worried about. And let the child feel that it o.k. is to love the dad / mom. It is important to overcome, not to offend the other parent in his explanations, to emphasize his good qualities as a father or mother. It's worth it! In such situations, I ask parents to consider: What do you tell your child when it's big and ask how the divorce was going then? Did you then protect your face from yourself? If you look a few years into the future, you often notice well where sincerity ends and revenge begins.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: So in principle you can already talk to children about the thoughts that go through your mind during a divorce.
Höpfner: You should explain as much as necessary and still disturb the children as little as possible. With the real adult issues, you just have to turn to adults and talk to friends or a psychologist about it. The difficulty in a divorce situation is to separate the parent role from the partner role. If I can not do that, then I need help - so as not to burden the children.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: What exactly are adult issues? Can I say things "I'm worried because dad wants to take the house away from us"?
Höpfner: These are topics related to sexuality, power struggles and the future. Everything that a child can not understand intellectually is frightening at first. For example, children do not have a chronological sense of time until puberty. You can not understand what it means "in ten months" or "in three years" or even "later". In such matters, it is important to put yourself in the child and to consider what the problems mean to the child. Taking the house away may mean it has to move away, lose friends, can no longer keep the pet. Give the child the feeling that in any case they will try to protect their interests.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Especially when long-term relationships diverge, so often breaks the circle of friends suddenly away. Where do you then find interlocutors?
Höpfner: The biggest mistake is trying to deal with the situation on your own. Also, you should not unpack too much at the workplace. Many counseling centers have free offers. Otherwise you can look for a psychologist yourself. Just a few conversations are very relieving. And to be helped is absolutely no shame! If it is really bad, if you become depressed, then you need a therapy that even pays the health insurance.Incidentally, it can greatly ease the pressure on you and your children if you've had some psychologist talks before the divorce process begins.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: What else can one do to make the divorce for children bearable?
Höpfner: In this situation, I can only give the parents the tip: The time spent with the child is much more important than expensive gifts of guilt. It's also good for parents not to think about divorce for a few hours. They have to take the time for the children anyway: either in the form of quarrels - or you say, we're playing together a little bit now to prevent conflicts. Give the child the feeling that they are in control of the situation. The worst thing about children is when they think parents are out of control.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: But parents often feel that control is slipping away from them.
Höpfner: If it's no longer possible, it makes sense to take a break. Leave the children with someone who is not affected by the situation - preferably with a classmate's family. The grandparents are often too involved in the divorce themselves. An evening or a weekend is often enough to get away, pause and put yourself back on the right track. Because, to be honest: measured by the possibilities of control that the child has, I naturally have the situation under control as an adult. It is usually only a brief moment, in which one gets upset - and in which one should withdraw in time from the child until it goes again.
Annette Höpfner is a psychologist and family therapist in Königstein and Heidelberg (www.kidzcare.de).
