Period Single? No problem! So you can change it
© Mellimage / Fotolia.comIs someone who has been alone for more than five years a permanent single and thus not transferable? "You are just too picky!" is a reproach that leaves women in doubt. And sayings like these hardly help to reopen after years. We talked to psychotherapist and author Stefanie Stahl about tips on how to find a relationship again. In her book "Jein" Stahl has dealt with how attachment fears can be recognized and overcome.
Why are some singles so much harder to enter into a new relationship than others?
This can have very different causes. Some want to be alone for a while, others have simply settled in with their single life. But it could also be a bondage fear behind it. It does not have to be aware of the person concerned. Such fear sometimes hides behind a craze for work - according to the motto "I have no time for a steady relationship". Or may a woman always fall in love with a man who is hard to come by? That could be a sign as well.
Many women claim that their job gives them little time to meet men. So are not the framework conditions also to blame?
Many couples find themselves over the job or - which happens very often today - over the Internet. In that sense, I do not really believe in this justification. Women who say that may think it is a stigma not to have a husband, and use the job as an excuse. As I said, the work can hide attachment fears. The woman unconsciously avoids a committed relationship because she is afraid of not being satisfied and abandoned by a man. In attachment anxiety, the fear of the failure of a relationship is greater than the desire for it. But most people are unaware of this. So they can not handle this problem either. And then they either stay single for a long time or their relationships fail again and again.
How do I find out what prevents me from entering into a new relationship?
By dealing with my deeper fears and worries. For example with the fear of not being enough. The fear of failing. The fear of setting me down. But some women are also addicted to perpetual self-affirmation and want to conquer men who are hard to come by. If they finally have one on the hook, he is again uninteresting. And the men who are interested in them from the beginning, they do not want, because they already get the self-affirmation. So, the argument with the question "In what form do I need self-confirmation in order to stabilize my self-worth?" is very important for permanent singles.
If I have had bad starting conditions during my childhood - for example, I can not build trust: How can I change my behavior?
The fundamental problem with all attachment and relationship anxiety is self-esteem. I can not trust anyone if I do not trust myself. People with low self-esteem do not want to risk rejection because they are extremely pathetic. Besides, they can not imagine that someone loves them as they really are. That's why they think they have to bend for the partner. But this leads to the feeling of losing oneself and having to flee from love. Or they hang like a monkey on their partner. So you have to learn to accept - with their weaknesses. And give up the unattainable perfection.
Do you have to say goodbye to the idea of great love after a while?
No, the idea of great love depends on oneself. It has nothing to do with a hysterical infatuation at the beginning of a new relationship. On the contrary, in my opinion, she does not even need the big tingling. Love is a deep sense of connectedness, shared values, attitudes and interests. But she needs a realistic idea. If love is to mean that my husband should be perfect and give me all the stuff, she will never come.
Many single women have made themselves comfortable in their lives. How much of it does one have to give up?
You can also live comfortably in a partnership. Actually, you have to give up a little and can win a lot. People who think they have to give up a lot and make many compromises often suffer from attachment anxiety. It is those who believe that they have to bend for a partner and make everything right. They are conflict-shy and can not distinguish themselves within a partnership. That is why they externally delimit the stronger. But recognizing that is the first step in changing it.
When a new appointment is due, should you tell me how long you've been single?
Why not? Should one be ashamed of it? Self-confidence makes you sexy!
Psychotherapist Stefanie Stahl
© Roswitha KasterStefanie steel Book "Jein" 272 pages Ellert & Richter Verlag 14.95 Euro
