Loneliness: "A partnership is not salvation"

Ursula Wagner

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: There are more and more people who do not have a partner. Why do so many of them experience aloneness as failure?

Ursula Wagner: In our society, life is considered configurable, everyone is individually responsible. That is, everything that does not go well produces feelings of guilt. Here is a misunderstanding of self-responsibility. Being able to influence everything is an illusion.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Still, many singles struggle with the question of why they are alone.

Ursula Wagner: The question "Why am I alone?" is an important question if you do not associate it with the question of guilt. Those who insult themselves are burdened with the future. You feel yourself quickly unable to relate, that is not very helpful. It is better to look carefully, at which points you can start.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Do you have a specific tip for it?

Ursula Wagner: Write down on a piece of paper, in a column, what you got in a relationship and what did not get, and what you gave and did not give. Here you can identify patterns and possibly seek psychological help.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: What can I do myself?

Ursula Wagner: I can ask myself: What is my longing now? Are there any needs that I can and must fulfill myself? Maybe I'm dissatisfied with the job, and no partner can make up for that dissatisfaction. 'I do not feel completely', this feeling of not being amiable and valuable, I can also have in a relationship. My partner can not save me from myself. Even if the partnership gives a lot, what you do not get as a single. It is important not to blame yourself for being bad.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: What are the first, simple steps to feel better as a single?

Ursula Wagner: Becoming a watchman, looking around the world, perceiving colors, shapes, smells again, taking time for them. Not targeted, but just become more sensual for what is happening around you. And when you meet someone, do not think right away, 'there must be something out of it now'. Of course, do not ban the yearning for a partner. Try to fill life with more joy.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Many exercises in your book are focused on the body. Why does he play such a big role in solitude?

Ursula Wagner: We store all positive and negative feelings in the body. Bad feelings help us to feel less. Often lonely people avoid dealing with their bodies because it enhances the feeling of being alone. But it has been proven that active exercise helps a lot to make you feel better in your own body. That also affects the charisma. And Dating is very much about physical aura. So it's worth it to invigorate the body.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: And how do you deal with the fear of not finding a partner? It's not just about physical wellbeing.

Ursula Wagner: I was alone for years and knew not only the contented phases but also this fear. The bad thing is that it's so diffuse. It is important to really look the fear in the eyes. Ask yourself 'what does that remind me? Have I heard that before? ' Look what you have to counter to the feeling. Go into the "worst case" scenario: How do I live if I can not find a husband? That can happen eventually. And even then there would be a meaningful life for me.

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Do you have practical ideas on how to deal with destructive thoughts à la "I can not find any more" anyway?

Ursula Wagner: The more often negative thoughts are thought, the stronger they become. These are new findings from brain research. If the voice comes often, put a stop to your thoughts: 'I do not want to hear the sentence again.'

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: They describe being alone as a way to learn self-love and acceptance, regardless of someone else who always confirms that to me. What is decisive for this?

Ursula Wagner: To close oneself in the heart. There is a very simple exercise: Take ten minutes in the morning and in the evening. Sit down, breathe, feel yourself. That sounds simple, but has a tremendous effect! Look at yourself kindly, say, for example, "I am a flower," and watch as you grow. And realize that everything is changing. They may have negative feelings, but they are not their feelings.They change again, that's the same with positive feelings - nobody lives in the endurance rush. Think of a destructive thought like 'I'm worthless': 'I've taken that from before, that's not true anymore.' What can also help: The idea that others also have their problems. Singles often lose sight of this!

ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: You mean, as a single person, you tend to attribute everything to being single and no longer feeling human, but single?

Ursula Wagner: Yes. How misleading this derivation is is when you use another attribute: "I feel that way because I have brown hair" sounds pretty ridiculous. Sure, singles feel existential issues more than others. But those who embrace "Alone Bodybuilding" and strive to accept each other, get to know each other better. Many people come out of long-term relationships completely destroyed. On the other hand, it's not so hard to be supple as a single: share a room with your girlfriend, make sure you do not become self-defeating. Then being alone is also an opportunity. Who is alone and feels comfortable with it, but also allows the desire for a new love, has the best chance to find a partner again.