Expert: What do we really want to say when we have sex?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Mr Ahlers, if sex is a kind of language, what do we want to say to it?
: Sex can give us the intense feeling that we are fine the way we are. And more than a conversation, because touches reach us more directly than words. We want to feel that the other takes us in or wants to penetrate us. Where the orgasm is just the frosting on the cake, it's essentially about intimacy. It's about closeness to feel accepted and confirmed.
This has sex? just in the sense of pleasure? get an enormous significance in our society. , ,
In fact, it is suggested to us: You have sex, and who does not have, is funny. A figment of the meritocracy. People become funny, irritable or grouchy when they do not feel accepted and belonging, unintentionally, unthemes. Not because of allegedly swollen testicles or unmet orgasm yearnings. An embittered and haggard-looking woman does not even have to be "properly fucked", as the saying goes, but she probably lacks the feeling of acceptance.
A man who has not had sex for a long time is not automatically more relaxed when he goes into the puff. Because it's not just about processes on a biological level. Above all, it is about experiencing the feeling of being wanted. If we understood how important closeness and reserve are to us, our understanding of sexuality might not be so much reduced to pleasure.
46, is Clinical Sexual Psychologist and Head of Practice for Couples Counseling and Sexual Therapy in Berlin. He specializes in the consultation and treatment of partner communication and relationship disorders as well as sexual dysfunction. He has the book Heaven on Earth & Hell in his head
- What Sexuality means to us "(442 pages, 19.99 euros, Goldmann) written.
What does that mean for the relationships we lead?
That we often misunderstand each other. If the man complains of a "seed jam" or "big eggs", then he himself does not realize what he really wants, namely recognition. It is made for him by his wife sleeping with him, but he does not know that. The woman, on the other hand, does not know that her husband actually wants to hug her, she feels herself "abused" because she does not see that she is tired and tattered. So one understands oneself wrong and drifts apart. There are men who think their wife is frustrated because they have erectile dysfunction. But this one is actually disappointed, because he only grunts at her and does nothing with her anymore. So you live past each other.
In your new book you describe your impression that more and more men have less and less desire to have sex with their wives. Why is that?
I think that the increased pressure to perform is the cause, which also affects our sexuality, because he has long spread to our private being. Today, every mom must be sexy and every old one a best-agers. For pubescent girls, there are hardly any bras that are not padded. What does a teenager learn from this? There has to be more, what's there is not enough. This creates a fear market.
In the old days, a man was allowed to be dressed in thick, hairy or unfashionable clothing, which did not detract from his masculinity. Today there is a social claim: Who is not styled as a man, is neglected. Women know this requirement for their appearance for millennia, for men this is relatively new. To make matters worse: For many, an exorbitant external requirement has become a bitter self-demand for many. Either way, if I feel I'm not enough, I'll respond with avoidance.
But then there are sexual dysfunctions. Two lie there, like each other, want it, but his penis does not get stiff. For all love, so to speak.
Then presumably there is pressure to perform: something should or must necessarily work. And that does not dissolve, because no one speaks. There is talk, but nothing is said. You talk about the outside together: about the work, the children, the holidays, the parents, the weekly planning, but you do not talk (more?) With each other. About your own sexual fears and fears, longings and needs. That's why the partners lose sight of each other, then out of their hands and finally out of their minds. And if there are actually malfunctions, communication is even more lacking.
What can couples do in this case?
Get help. In a sex therapy, for example, the couple in this case conclude a "coitus-renouncement contract". Sounds silly, but has proven itself. The couple negotiates what it takes to have fearless and pressure-free, intentional and expectant intimate physical contact.The partners go to bed at home once or twice a week. They should look at each other and touch them without anything having to happen. For most it's hard, they have learned emerging intimacy? roughly said ? "Wegzuficken". By that I mean: blindly rushing toward the goal of orgasm production.
So do not rush, but cuddle is the solution?
You could say it like this. It starts by stroking the back of the body and making sure that you are doing well yourself. Later, the front side is included, and because it may be quite hot for some, breast and genitalia remain outside. Finally, the whole body is touched, the genitals are explored playfully, the stroking becomes more intense, the two may tease each other, pleasure can arise. Or pass away. Both verbally or gesturally tell the other person how agitated they are, so that an immediate orgasm does not arise.
It works?
It does. It trains both to modulate their own excitement. Men with erectile dysfunction may get an erection in this process again, they do not trust their eyes and get the reflex impulse to want to have intercourse for the moment. It is all the more important then that the woman keeps calm and encourages her partner that his erection will come back. Men who experience for the first time that it does not matter if their penis is soft or hard when their wife holds him in hand often begin to cry with emotion and relief as they report it. As if weights weighing tons fell from their hearts and shoulders.
Another increasing lust killer is porn, which mainly consume men, you say.
No, I do not say so. Non-porn is a pleasure killer, but the unlimited availability of multimedia internet pornography could have an impact on pleasure. In my practice come again and again men, younger vintages, who say that they would no longer feel like sex. Generally not, I ask then, or only with your partner not? Out comes: Not with the partner, masturbation takes place regularly. To my question Why? It is often said: Sex with the girlfriend does not kick like the porn on the Internet.
What has happened there?
From the beginning, these young men have experienced an extremely multisensory response to their nervous system through the use of Internet pornography, which does not exist in real life. Her partner is not moaning loudly, nor does she scream "Do it to me, you pig!" and does not experience multiple orgasms. But just wants to have intercourse without spectacular practices, just cuddle or have no sex at all. The young men experience this as a discrepancy: The reality is worse off than the fiction.
Many claim that young people can learn to sex through porn. But as you describe it, you tend to forget about sex through porn. , ,
I dont know. In my experience, people have no problem finding the right holes. They have problems finding the right words. And for that, I can not recognize porn as a model.
How can we get closer to the real "sense" of sex?
By perceiving ourselves. And ask us, what do I want and why? Why do I want you to hug me and hold me or put my penis in the vagina? All different expressions of the same thing. But I can only get that out if I know what things mean to me. In my practice, couples often say that they want to sleep together again. I understand, I say then, and ask: And why do you want to do that again? Then there are confused looks. What you really want to say when you sleep with each other, no one wonders.
That's true. It just belongs to it. , ,
We do not learn it. Although children learn in elementary school that the penis of the man is inserted into the vagina of the woman, so that the seed comes to the egg. It is not talked about why he does otherwise! In the rarest cases for reproduction! Even later in sex education lessons is not spoken about.
But is not it human that we are struggling to talk so openly about such elementals? Perhaps in a relationship that has already drifted apart anyway?
That's right, you have to dare something very nice. This is far too exhausting for most people. Not only have a relationship, but guide it, that's what matters. To stay in exchange, to wonder: who is the human next to me on the sofa? Because this question is too big, we'd rather have Relationship Botox to go. Since I prefer yoga, let me enlarge the breast, take Potency or go with the partner in swinger clubs.
Look for something outside to calm the interior. All detours, your own self and the actual encounter with the other, because we do not tend to get there. It could be sad or painful. This often comes with a rather weak self-confidence. A prerequisite for the emergence of intimacy, however, is a stable self-esteem.If I do not have that, I can not believe deep down that the other really wants to be with me. He is so great and I just a rivet in Lostopf. Nobody says that, but many think that!
