Couple Therapist Reveals: These are the 5 secrets of a happy relationship
"That's a good sentence!", Said my son when he opened "Anna Karenina" by Leo Tolstoy and read the world-famous beginning of the novel: "All happy families resemble one another, every unhappy family is unhappy in their own way." ? "Yes," I said, "But I think he's wrong, but he probably does not agree with couples." My son looked up from the book and gave me the skeptical hello-old-digga daddy's still look, which in this case meant: You do not mean that seriously now, or do you lie down with world literature on? "Well," I cleared my throat. "No couple are alike, that's obvious, and every couple will find their way in their own way."
There are many types of partnership
As a couple therapist, I have met a great many couples over the years. Some of them I admire: so caring they caress each other, so wise and open do they meet that I am plain jealous. And then there are couples who are so ignorant with each other, they talk so much about each other, but in spite of everything, they are actually somehow happy with each other. But the problems that couple relationships fail to face are almost always the same.
"Every couple experiences these problems a little differently," I say to my son. "But they are unhappy in the same way, they're hurt, they're not reaching each other, they're getting into the same maelstrom of emotions and reactions forever." The son looks at me. "Like you?" He says and grins. And I'm glad he closes the Tolstoy and goes out of the room. Yes, like us.
Also couple therapists have relationship problems
I think of the clients who like to say to me, "It does not happen to you, you are sure to have a great relationship!" They say that in this mix of curiosity, skepticism, hope and provocation. On the one hand, they want to hear that I have the same difficulties as them, that their couple problems are normal and everyone has them, including me. On the other hand, they want me to be at the forefront of the ideal relationship. That there really is a solution, a different way and I not only know this way, but also knows how to walk it. The truth is: I have a relationship like everyone else. Sometimes, when all is well, I'm satisfied, and then I think it helps that both my wife and I are couple therapists. And sometimes, when I'm really disappointed and run through the world with disconnected thoughts, I hear a voice in me that says I just can not part: I, the couple therapist. And then I think I'm super stupid.
Every couple is happy in their own way
I think again and run down the hall until I find my son in the kitchen and say: "In a way Tolstoy was right then." The son looks up from his noodles: "Tolstoy can be glad that he does not have to experience your back and forth." We both giggle. "Well," I say, "it's probably all different." The son rolls his eyes and then loads some fresh pasta on his fork. He does not like long paternal explanations. So I'll summarize. "Every pair is unhappy in its own way, and every pair is happy in its own way, but there are a few mechanisms, a few laws that seem to apply to all couples, such as, how gravity inevitably works Each pair will inevitably communicate with one another and develop a pattern, and just as there would be no life without sunlight, so couples need openness to be close, so all couples are similar in how they become unhappy, and how they do But every couple lives on in its own way. " "That's what you wrote about in your new book," says the son. "I tried," I say.
The five secrets of a happy relationship
1. Vulnerability and closeness are inseparable.
Vulnerability is a prerequisite of a fulfilled life. By vulnerability, I understand the willingness to open up and to be open. and let others see what we really feel. Vulnerability is the heart that? Core close relationships. The prerequisite for experiencing intimacy with our partner? And with that, taking the risk of actually getting injured. Social researcher Brené Brown defined vulnerability as "uncertainty, risk-taking and emotional exposure." Who can not stand uncertainty, can not love. We can only fall in love when we endure uncertainty. Flirting is a single game with the uncertainty of whether our feelings will be reciprocated. And without making us vulnerable, we can not open our lips to the first kiss. We can not give up our apartment, we can not contract. In every phase of our love life we are accompanied by uncertainty.Do we still understand each other as parents? Do we remain a couple despite illness and many wrinkles? Showing our inner world is always a risk. If we are sincere with our insecurities and fears, then others can judge us and we may appear in their eyes to be deficient, contradictory or immature. We can be ashamed, rejected or devalued. We deliver, we give the control. This is ambiguous with our favorite human. On the one hand, we trust him the most that he will also accept our dark side. On the other hand, we fear no one else so much that we could lose his attention.
Vulnerability means to show our sweetheart our jealousy of his new colleague. And do not swallow them shamefully or fiercely fight them, because we are afraid of appearing ridiculous. It means not going over his uncharmante remark about our butt. Our self-doubt about our attractiveness does not shut us down and give us cool, but to show that his saying has unsettled us. Vulnerability and closeness are inextricably linked. In moments of great closeness, we are unaffected and authentic, and have the feeling of arriving at both ours and our partner's. Close we can only come to each other if we take off our everyday armor. He who loves is vulnerable. Who does not become vulnerable loses love. The fact that couples often talk to each other is now such a commonplace that this advice comes out again to the ears. But of course it is not stupid advice. Especially when we understand that "relationship talk" means allowing ourselves to share our feelings and then sharing them with the partner. On the other hand, sometimes we have the impression that one could talk everything down. An argument that, of course, the most forward-looking, the fear, in the conversation from unpleasant insights and feelings to push. Because we get the feeling of "Zerringen", if our dialogue always revolves around the same and does not come from the place. That's just a sign that no one dares step into vulnerability, but we both remain in our comfort zones and exchange only well-known arguments. Can we decide to go ahead ourselves? What do we declare and what do we keep for ourselves? What inner discussions do we have with ourselves, and what do we really let our partner know?
Vulnerability can be a positiveto become self-reinforcing circulation in a relationship. Then we come closer to what we are basically looking for in love relationships: a place where we feel loved despite imperfection. But to get there, we have to show our quirks. Only very unresponsive people respond to the uncertainty of others with hardness or ridicule. If one partner shows up vulnerable and the other responds with openness, then this encounter feels like the power of love. Vulnerability connects us and deepens our bond. But the process of opening and entrusting ourselves is always exciting. Being vulnerable does not make our relationship boring and boring. For what we discover in ourselves, what we can open to each other, is an infinite journey of discovery.
2. Rituals are relationship barometers.
Couples are reflected in their rituals. We observe their rituals and deduce what kind of relationship they lead. He always helps her cavalier in the coat. They touch each other who they are sitting at the table. They playfully tease each other as philistines and show-offs. Couples create common rituals from their first encounter. Once a year, getting off at the Berlin subway station, where we got to know each other, seems like a true ritual to us. On Saturday morning after the common supermarket snack to take an espresso at Toni, we regard it rather as a mixture of annoying everyday routine and love won habit. But the little things rule our lives. They are more crucial to our love life than to see the sun sink into the sea at Capri. Our little ritual habits, our everyday rituals, are like the hooks between which we span the fabric of our relationship. They preserve our story and carry it on. We therefore do well to take them seriously, to care for them and not to underestimate their importance.
A fleeting goodbye kiss has no chance of getting under the 1000 most meaningful kisses of life, it is a "as if" kiss, not a touching or even erotic lip play. Nevertheless, he is meaningful. Because this ritual smack calms us down and connects us. The kisses on the front door confirm the order of our love life: it is how it is, it stays as it is. Consciously, we only think about our rituals if they are not kept. Then we are irritated, become attentive and try to understand why the ritual was broken. If we have quarreled in the morning and our partner in the evening as usual in the arm takes, then our positive relationship with each other is restored.But if he only murmurs "hello" into the hall, then the arrival ritual acts like a tsunami warning system. The non-observed ritual makes it clear that his mood is ours.
We can not fake them in relationships? although rituals are full of "as if" communication. A client came after the affair of her husband because he somehow looked stiff in her welcome ritual. She had no other suspicions, her husband was as usual. He could hide his guilty feelings everywhere. He succeeded only in the symbolized proximity of the finely tuned greeting ritual. Small rituals are a great way to change our relationship. As we know, it's hard to change. While we can see that we are over-criticizing or dismissive of our partner, there is no counter that we can simply flip over to be kinder from now on. We need something that we can do in practice. We need something in which we can already be the human being we want to become? without us feeling wrong, dishonest or lying.
We need a new little ritualto initiate change. So we can decide to go through the day every night before falling asleep and find something for which we can praise our partner. Maybe we first have to set up a reminder on our smartphone. But gradually it will become our habit. Maybe we can not think of anything at first. Or we defend ourselves internally, to praise, where we are still full of criticism. But if we hold our little ritual, it will change our perception. We will pay more attention to commendable things. We will show more appreciation to our partner. And in the long run, it will even change ourselves and we will become more appreciative. What begins as if, is slowly turning into reality.
3. We have to address disappointment and pain? and above all, admit to ourselves.
If our love partner is not there when we need it most, it may cause attachment injuries. When we are very ill or grieve deeply. Before important tests or decisions. If he puts an important job appointment on the day of our favorite aunt's funeral. If he has promised to take parental leave himself, then mercilessly pushes up a company and leaves us alone with the new dweller. When we have saved iron and our partner now frivolously loses our common fortune, then our confidence breaks down. The most frequent and complex attachment violation in relationships is affair. Binding injuries mean we will not get back into the relationship as we did before our disappointment. We stay reserved, often without even realizing it. As if we were no longer really leaning on the partner, but always making sure to stand on our own feet.
Sometimes it's just a commentor everyday situation that is going on. When he said that his first love was something unattainable. When she drove to her friend's birthday and left us alone with the water damage in the apartment. We are disappointed, feel unseen and left alone. We often do not want to take such disappointments so seriously. But they reverberate in us. We try to put it aside, it's supposed to be the past. But it does not stop. When we listen into ourselves or get disappointed in everyday life together, the encapsulated injury is touched in us, and the pain rises in us. From this we can see that there has been a bond violation. That there is something between us that weighs on our common path as a couple, like a heavy rucksack that one of us constantly carries with us. We want to be able to trust that the partner is there for us when we feel helpless and look for security. To need the partner like that may seem dependent and toddler-like. But we are so dependent on love relationships, and a bond violation leads to fear and uncertainty. We are afraid it could happen again. Our partner is no longer a safe counterpart. We then no longer move freely towards each other. And it can cause us to subtly step away from our love relationship in small steps. We are disappointed. We try in vain. We resign gradually. And ultimately, we are no longer committed to our partnership. We let them go in the sand.
At work we call it inner termination: You still do your job, but without real interest, without willingness to get involved. We are still acting in our relationship, but it does not affect us anymore. And it does not fill us anymore. We feel empty, unconnected, we live side by side. Suddenly we are one of those silent couples at the restaurant table, whom we admired as young people in disbelief. We know that in our love relationship, we do not feel constantly bursting with happiness. But the line between sound realism and inner termination runs where we resign.There are always situations in which we feel abandoned. Because he really was not at our side, or because he disappointed our expectations, which may have been unrealistic.
Shit happens. We are not protected from it. But it strains our love if we do not acknowledge the disappointment and the pain. If we do not clarify with each other what has hurt us and restore confidence. An unrecovered security is powerful as anything unfinished in the psyche. It's like an unfinished picture: every time we look at it, it makes us want to finish it off. What is not finished seems powerful in us. It keeps us in a state of tension where our psyche stays active. Therefore, we should not try to ignore binding injuries because the experience is in the past and the relationship is going very well. It's just great because we keep quiet. Not because we are really safe again.
4. Sex is important. Even if it is not always a firework, but sometimes only a stove fire.
Sexuality in firm love relationships, as we know, is no longer a self-ignition after some time. It's getting harder to covet each other. When arousal is a mixture of attraction and the obstacles we need to overcome? How should one covet someone without whom there is no distance? With "hot or not"? the idea that you only have sex in solid relationships when you're really hot again? we will not continue. "If we go to a restaurant, we must have previously intended, decided and prepared. And if we want to have sex, that's no different. Partner sexuality stays alive when it's high on our emotional to-do list.
That sounds more terrible as it is. Because we constantly organize our emotional world quite deliberately and planned: We decide on a weekend alone? to travel with our eldest child? because we do not feel so close to him anymore. We call our girlfriend? to keep in contact. Is it so different, not planning the weekend completely, so that we have time for sex, if we want to feel our partner very close? Often, sexual stimulation is needed before pleasure comes up. Waiting for pleasure, on the other hand, is more of an effective form of contraception. Getting over the excitement to pleasure is the more viable way. That means being ready to engage in stimulating touch without being hot for sex. Sexuality in longtime, solid? Above all, relationships need a secure emotional basis. But a secure bond does not automatically lead to lustful attachment sexuality. Comfortable security and familiarity are the emotional cushions on which we can embed our sexuality. But so that we do not fall asleep with all our sexuality, because of the familiar bliss, we need ways that lead us into our pleasure.
In the wide field of sexual pleasure On the one hand we find the impersonal sexuality of the escapade portals and darkrooms. Sex as air removal. On the other pole, the most esoteric, conscious sexual encounter, which, according to tantric tradition, perceives sensuality as the way to a more profound unification. It is absurd to have impersonal sex with the person most familiar to us. In the long-term relationship, we need ways of physical contact that include and not exclude feelings. Therefore, it is worth taking a look at the "tantric" ideas on sexuality, without having to take up the esoteric parts. After all, we no longer practice yoga in order to enter Nirvana in the headstand, but to stretch our short-set muscles in the "camel".
During yoga To teach the body and mind to dominate, the tantra tradition proposes the opposite way. is on each other? Therefore, we come to lustful attachment sexuality. To consciously follow the physical experience, to expand sensuality and to change in sexuality from doing and acting to being and experiencing. To deliberately throttle the excitement again and again and to deepen the experience through conscious breathing. "In truth, people are too excited to have really good sex," says tantra teacher Diane Richardson. And by that we mean that we experience more, even if we act in the sexuality more purposeless, much slower and more cautious. "Sex gives us in incomparably intense ways the feeling that we are right and in order," as the sexual psychologist Christoph Ahlers puts it. Ideally, in our shared sexuality we experience what we are ultimately looking for emotionally in love relationships. Sex in itself is great. But that alone can not always be great in our relationships. And that's the last myth we should give up: that sex always has to be fireworks. Sometimes we just need a stove fire to warm ourselves.
5. We are not a couple. We are many couples.
"Everything is always changing." The Buddhist meditation teacher Joseph Goldstein never tired of conveying that there is no standstill. Everything is in constant motion. This also applies to our love relationships. Each partner changes constantly, gets older, learns, discovers, makes new experiences. And we are in constant motion with each other. Either we move towards each other or we move away from each other. You can not climb twice in the same river. Also not in the flow of the love relationship. A fixed relationship is paradoxically highly mobile. It only survives if we move towards each other again and again. In the conflict we move away, in the clarification we approach each other again. In everyday life we lose sight of each other, in sexuality we find each other again. We constantly commute between proximity and distance. Sometimes in constant fast change, in other phases in more steady movements. Towards each other? In the first phase? Of getting acquainted? And in love? Or in stages? Of rapprochement following crises.? Away from each other in? Times of crisis, when the relationship is questioned, when initially irresolvable conflicts determine the relationship. We are not a couple, we are many couples. The student couple, who have learned to love each other in the flat-sharing community, is not the parents with two children, who lives a few years later in the district with one-family house development. And in the 50plus couple, where she thinks about when she sells her PR agency and puts his energy into the chairmanship of the rowing club, the young parents are barely visible. Therefore each of these couples must always find themselves in order to maintain their closeness.
The art of having a relationshiplies in being able to move to the other. And that includes being careful when we move away from each other. A simple recipe, if only it were not so difficult. We are relationships with the need for attachment and emotional security. We are looking for emotional resonance. And we have a fine sense of whether this need is fulfilled. Whether we can reach our partner emotionally, or whether we do not succeed. It depends on whether we feel close and bound or detached and isolated. We respond to the emotionally threatening distance with anger or defense and fall through it through our constantly circulating communication into deeper and more difficult to resolve entanglements. When we engage in our love relationships "Do I still love him?" ask and "Does he still love me?" then we ask where we are emotionally.
Whether we move away from each other and close to each other or approach and open to each other. That is certainly not all that makes love. But it allows us to understand what we can do. Our perception that in our relationship "be it always" is a fallacy. As the Red Queen says in "Alice in Wonderland", "Well, here, you see, you have to run as fast as you can to stay in the same place, if you want to go elsewhere, you have to do at least twice run fast!" We often struggle insanely in relationships without even a single step from the spot. But we do not have to walk twice as fast to get elsewhere. It is enough to understand where we are going. If we know what causes us to lose our closeness. And how we can move towards each other again.
About the author: Oskar Holzberg
Oskar Holzberg, 64, is not only a psychotherapist with a focus on couples therapy and his own practice in Hamburg, but also an author and ChroniquesDuVasteMonde columnist. In each edition he writes for us about a "sentence of love" that he encountered in his more than 20 years of working with numerous couples. Oskar Holzberg has been involved for over 30 years? the psychologist Claudia Clasen-Holzberg married, who also works as a couple therapist. The two have three now grown children? and experienced all the ups and downs of a relationship over the years.In his recently published book "New key phrases of love: What relationships fail and what makes them succeed "In addition to the latest ChroniquesDuVasteMonde columns, you will also find specially composed chapters from which we have used excerpts for this dossier.The book was published by Dumont, has 242 pages and costs 20 euros. There is more information on the publisher's website.
