Affair: Betrayed, lied, caught. And now?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: People who know that their partner is cheating isit often remain disturbed for a long time. Can one speak of the "trauma" affair?
Christoph Kröger: No, because objectively, an affair does not represent a mortal danger. Subjectively, however, many sufferers seem to feel existentially threatened by their partner's infidelity - whereby infidelity does not necessarily mean that sex was involved. Fraud always begins where I violate the limits of my primary relationship, and where these boundaries run, each partner defines for himself. Even clients with a very conservative background have come to our therapy because one of them has been snogging at a party. They were just as heavily burdened as couples in a serious affair: they are more prone to depression than those who have contracted their lives and also suffer from anxiety symptoms similar to those following a serious car accident.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: What are the symptoms?
Christoph Kröger: Sleep disorders, dreadfulness, tension, tantrums. Constant uncertainty, which should be mitigated by permanent control. Also, the sudden reliving of past situations is a typical reaction - mixed with your own fantasies that can be triggered by some everyday detail. A bed: He with her during sex, what exactly was going on there? Our favorite restaurant: Did she think of him the whole time we were here last time? In our therapy, we first try to get these anxiety symptoms under control and create an atmosphere in which the partners can talk to each other again.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: As a therapist, you need to objectify a highly emotional situation. How does it work?
Christoph Kröger: First of all, we have clear boundaries. The first limit: The external relationship must be completed, at the latest after the fifth session. Otherwise we will not continue the therapy.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: Some unfaithful people say, "I just can not decide!"
Christoph Kröger: I clearly say to him: "This decision has to be made, if you can not do that now, that's fine, you can come back later." Then I turn to the partner: "You know your husband / wife and yourself better than I. How long are you willing and able to wait and how can you use this time to gain more clarity yourself?" Who does not decide, the decision will be taken sooner or later.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: What's Next - If It Continues?
Christoph Kröger: We also draw boundaries to the environment: who can be trusted and who can not do everything? We do a couple therapy, there is no need to have a say in the mother-in-law and all her friends. And we separate the conflict from the children: no argument before them, no manipulation. It's also about how to argue. What's a fair fight? How can I control my emotions to avoid escalations? What are reasonable conditions for a dispute? For example, after nine o'clock in the evening and two cognac you should not start with it. We also discuss very practical things: Sex, do not we still have it or not? Do we sleep in a bed or do we sleep separately?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: When you discover you've been cheated, you keep asking yourself, "And now?" Let's go over some classic situations: he says it's over, but I'm still spying on his phone. Okay or forbidden?
Christoph Kröger: Mostly, that's what happens impulsively. You want security. But first, one achieves at most pseudo-security: Maybe he has long since acquired a second phone? Second, this behavior exacerbates mutual distrust. Third, I do not win a person back through control. One way: The partners agree that the injured person may look at the phone at any time to satisfy the need for subjective security - as I said, there is no real certainty. It would be better to give it up and instead learn to endure the objective uncertainty, the fear of loss and injury. That is a goal of our therapy.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: How many times have you had sex? Where everywhere? Did you have the sweater I gave you for my birthday? How many details does the unfaithfulness have to reveal?
Christoph Kröger: This is a double-edged sword. I understand that it is important for the backcountry to know certain things.On the other hand, many sufferers only develop figurative ideas based on certain details, which cause disgust, disgust and new injuries and which they can not get rid of. To direct this balancing act belongs to our therapeutic tasks.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: The compulsive questioning of the deceived usually arises from the feeling: "I know only half the truth!"
Christoph Kroeger: True, often the person involved uses salami tactics. He initially withholds information for fear that they provoke a next, probably even greater despair breakout partner. For example, it is particularly painful when places have been desecrated which are important for the primary relationship - the marriage bed or the hotel where one has been together so often. If the person involved just disclose such details piecemeal, under pressure, the other one rightly gets the impression: "The more I push, the more I experience." From this process the couple has to get out at the beginning, otherwise it will be difficult.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: May I let my anger out - or do I have to be especially nice and easy right now, so he will not leave me?
Christoph Kröger: For fear that the partner is going to suppress their own feelings no one will last long. But it can be a good investment if you consciously try to do the other thing in such a situation - on both sides. Where it is after the disclosure of the affair, especially on the unfaithful person to signal: "Our relationship has priority for me again!" And not just with words, but with deeds: I only play football twice a week. At least one evening I spend with you. I'll skip the next career jump, or we'll organize the care of my mother differently, so we'll have less stress and more time for each other - even if it costs. That impressed.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: As compensation, does my partner have to do everything I demand from now on?
Christoph Kröger: By no means, that would only be a reversal of the balance of power, as I continue to blackmail the unfaithful with my dismay. It is certainly helpful if unfaithfulness adapts quickly to the emotional need of the partner - as a sign of his good will and to give him security. But that does not mean that he can live permanently against his own needs. In the medium and long term, a balanced relationship must be the common goal.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: If you've managed to calm the mood to some extent ...
Christoph Kröger: ... begins the second phase of the therapy: Together with the couple, we search for all reasons that a person has gone astray. These can be reasons that are alone in the two-relationship - such as in the field of sexuality or couple communication. But they can also be problematic family, social or occupational structures. The third and final phase is about developing new perspectives: what were the reasons? Where does the couple have to make a difference - and where can it be? At the end of therapy, the bottom line is the honest answer to the question: "After all that has happened, what we have learned from each other over the last few months, we have discussed: is there a future for us, will we still be together?"
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: Can an affair also weld together?
Christoph Kröger: Yes, a crisis that has been mastered successfully is always a developmental step. When a couple realizes which traps it is, when they both take responsibility for their share, when they decide to stay together and hold hands out of here - that's a great experience, even for the therapist. At the same time, development means that the couple after the therapy is not the same couple as before the affair. Some come with the idea: "It should be like it used to be!" You can forget that. It will never be the same again.
Special case infidelity
In relationship crises that are triggered by infidelity, the classic couple therapy is worse than other partnership problems. For this reason, a special "couple therapy after affair" developed in the USA is being tested at the psychotherapy outpatient department of the TU Braunschweig. The special feature: In a first "stabilization phase", the partners learn how to control negative emotions and avoid conflict escalation. Only then does it concern the causes and consequences of the affair. One third of the more than 200 couples treated according to this concept discontinued therapy before the end of the first phase. Everyone else ended the therapy with the desire to continue the relationship. Christoph Kröger: "Even half a year later, all these couples were still together, we know that much, but we also know that they were not as happy with each other as we would like to have at that time acute extremely stressful event, but also works for a long time. "
© privateChristoph Kröger - psychological psychotherapist and lecturer at the Technical University (TU) Braunschweig - studied Psychology and Catholic Theology and is now the Executive Director of the Psychotherapy Office of the University. One of his research interests is couple therapy and the question of what couples can do after an affair.
