4 ways of thinking that endanger the relationship
There is, the great, the true, even the enduring love. But she is never perfect. We know that. And yet we cling to myths that have little to do with reality after the first intoxication of emotions - and that's what causes relationships to fail.
"I just have to find the right one"
The expectation that someday the perfect man will pass by makes one lonely. Because it does not exist. Behind the rigid claim to find the right one, attachment fears or inferiority complexes often do not themselves suffice to be good enough. Sometimes the replacement of the parents has not yet succeeded: if daddy is the best of all men or Mama has always warned against the "wrong" men and we therefore prefer to stay single and good. But those who wait for the prince charming, miss the chance to try out in a relationship: What is good for me? How do I love and how do I want to be loved? How close and distance do I need to be happy? Which qualities of the partner bring out the best or the worst in me? Instead of the right one there are - fortunately - even many suitable partners. We just have to dare to get involved with them.
"He has to see how I feel and what I want"
The actual expectation here is: "He should read my wishes from my eyes." The prompt and sensitive satisfaction of needs that we as parents experience - or miss - from our parents is understood as the ultimate form of love: "If he really loved me, he would know what I needed to be happy." This longing is human, but it pushes the partner into the supplying parent role and overwhelms him permanently. This leads to disappointment and frustration on both sides. And so one of the most common complaints I hear in my practice is, "I do not feel myself." Only: in order to be seen, we have to show ourselves. We have to reveal ourselves to our partner: With all our weaknesses, our wounds and our wishes. In this way real proximity can arise. And we no longer have to be disappointed that the partner is not a superhumanly sensitive wish-fulfiller.
"Conflicts are dangerous"
Yes, quarrels can quite poison a relationship. This is not due to the disagreements per se, but to the way they are dealt with. Anyone who aims at getting under the belt during conflicts, who is always grudging, who turns himself into a victim and the other into a perpetrator, punishes with contempt or retreat, destroys his relationship. But: No real relationship comes without conflicts - unless they are swallowed or driven out of harmony addiction or fear of losing the other. When two personalities pool their lives, there are always points of friction that must be negotiated. In the end, two individuals meet in the dispute, fighting for a common intersection despite their differences. It is important that a dispute ends and is reconciled and that there is a basic culture of apology in which both partners take responsibility: the one who asks for forgiveness and the one who forgives him. And if a loving, respectful interaction with each other is cared for in everyday life, then a relationship holds out a lot.
"Happy couples have good sex regularly"?
Yes, yes, there are couples who are regularly sexually (together) active until old age. But they also report on phases in which it has become much calmer and that their sexuality has changed overall. Anyone who seriously believes that they will still clash after 25 years, as at the beginning of the relationship, will observe any deviation anxiously and disappointed. Sexuality is changing in a long relationship like love - it becomes more familiar and, accordingly, a little less exciting. There is a chance for more intense encounters and an emotional satisfaction that goes far beyond the physical. Sensuality, eroticism and intimacy can not be measured but only felt. There is no need for frequency statistics and comparisons with others, just two people willing to get involved. Without pressure.
And what does that expect? Love from us?
?Love can only be experienced if it is lived - with all its ups and downs. For love also includes the lack. Only when we say goodbye to the myths of love, when we acknowledge that even the greatest love has limits, can we turn a fantasized relationship into a real one. And in that we have much more creative possibilities than we could ever dream of.Because love is not dependent on fate, but largely self-made. The moment we stop blaming our partner for our happiness or misfortune, we take responsibility for our love and our lives. Yes, that works. And it feels good.
Dr. Sandra Konrad is a certified psychologist and has worked since 2001 as a systemic single, couple and family therapist in Hamburg. She has also written a book about false expectations of love: "Making love, how relationships really succeed" (10 euros, Piper paperback).
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