Start afresh: That's the way it works

Start afresh: Christiane Wehrmann did it

Discovering new sides of life again and again: Christiane Wehrmann (front), Gitta Melfsen (center), Daniela Gogel-Schasler (right)

At 24 she had a husband, a cottage in the country, her dream job as a bookseller. And she did not think for a moment that she wanted to change anything: "I still remember how I drove to the bookstore every morning, I was so excited," says Christiane Wehrmann in retrospect, "so sure to be at the goal of all dreams. "

Today she knows that she was just at the beginning. Because in the more than 30 years, which are between then and now, she has gone the ways of whose existence she did not even suspect in mid-twenties. Step by step she continued her education, studying at the Hamburg School of Economics and Politics, then at the University.

For 14 years, the sociologist is now the Equal Opportunity Officer of her North German hometown Elmshorn. And there recognized so professionally that even colleagues in the administration, who used to smile on "women's issues", they often and gladly consult. Her private life has also changed a lot over the years: her first marriage failed; With husband number two, her great love Dieter, she was long happy, built a new house - but then her husband's tragic cancer death thwarted all plans.

Since then Christiane Wehrmann lives alone. But what at first was a painful change, she now feels as a form of living that she can consciously enjoy. The long readings are still part of her life - a luxury, she says. And at the same time she loves the lively exchange, spends a lot of time with friends. And with Johanna and Jan, her brother's children; With her now 15-year-old niece, she explored Berlin last summer: "It was wonderful, we've seen and experienced so much, Johanna is a soulmate to me, that's how it was when she was very young."

Although she had to deal with drastic fatalities, Christiane Wehrmann has preserved her enthusiasm for life. "The confrontation with illness and death has made me realize how precious the beautiful moments are, and I experience so many!" Above all, and always at work, when she can fight for "her heart issues": "It's always a great feeling when counseling really helps, when I can help a woman in need, maybe because of a man Or if I can convince a client to go to cancer screening. "

Start afresh: There are many opportunities

"We do not know what we miss before we have met it", is a saying that tells us: There are not just one way in our lives, but several. Not just a chance, but many. With 20 different priorities than with 30, 40, 50 counts. This also noticed Christiane Wehrmann. After ten years in the book trade, she felt that there were more pages in her and started to reorient herself.

"I think my engine has always been that I want to understand the world", she says. "And I was lucky, I met people who encouraged me, my parents and a teacher very early, then my husband Dieter, who helped me during my studies, and at university I found the right companions, for example a very good one committed professor. " On the other hand, there are things she knows she has never tried. "I've never moved to another region or abroad - I did not have that wish - who knows how my life would have turned out then." She laughs: "Well, can still come."

Why not? Many of us are one day experiencing how life unexpectedly takes a new direction, a hitherto unknown perspective. For years, everything ran in familiarity, family, everyday life, job. We feel secure at home and with friends, reaping success in the job, feeling like we are relaxed. And when we go to bed in the evening, we wish that everything stays that way.

But at some point we realize that something new is in the air: The children become fledglings, the parents are frail, some couples realize that they have lived apart. Sometimes an unspectacular impulse from the outside is sufficient: a program on television, a chance encounter on a train journey. And suddenly these questions arise: Where am I? What else do I want to try and experience? And when?

Start afresh: your own company

As with Daniela Gogel-Schasler, The dark-haired, spirited Berliner studied German and art and worked in architecture and art offices. But having her own children was her deepest wish. At the end of 20 she marries and gets two sons. A few years later, daughter Antonia is born. Daniela's luck seems perfect - and lasts another ten days. Then her husband says he will leave her.Shortly after, he moves out.

It took years to process the shock and the injury. But today she can even see good in it: "Basically, it was overdue that my illusions broke, for too long I believed in a love that was only one-sided and did not want to accept the shortcomings of the relationship." Your lifeline is first the children: "Especially my daughter needed me." But at the same time, she thinks about what she should do to finance her livelihood. One day acquaintances ask the amateur cook if she would like to cook for a larger party. There it is, the business idea: a private chef and catering service.

But how can this work in the long term? Daniela collects information, tells everyone what she's up to, helps out in the kitchen of a renowned restaurant to get more equipment. And the service gets going, word-of-mouth propaganda makes it increasingly popular in its district of Zehlendorf. After just five years, the now 47-year-old is so well in business that she recently had a professional kitchen installed in her home; now she can cook for up to a hundred people. "Because that has priority now: to secure my existence - with what I enjoy," she says beaming. And: "I've really found my dream job, with the scent of fresh herbs or a still warm cake I can forget everything around me, cooking is such a creative, sensual activity."

Once we become aware that we are entering a new phase of life, we often experience something amazing. For example, dreams come back to us from before. Daniela Gogel-Schasler had discovered her penchant for cooking and baking as a teenager - but it was not until 30 years later that she became a profession.

Two to three leitmotifs

Resume researchers assume that every person usually follows two or three leitmotifs, which he develops very early on. These leitmotifs owe much to one another: genetic and familial influences, personal experiences. If you have a talent for painting as a child and are encouraged, it may make you career and vocation. But not everyone can and wants that; For others, the secure position in a company is more important, and they run the painting alongside as a hobby - even fine.

The important thing is that we ask ourselves from time to time: Do we live the life that we like and that suits us? This definitely includes going a detour - if we know our inner leitmotifs, it does not matter. For Christiane Wehrmann, the most important thing was to learn a lot about people and the world. For Daniela Gogel-Schasler, the desire to be a mother - until it turns out that that is not enough. And for Gitta Melfsen it was the endeavor to have a meaningful social task.

After 25 years in the profession, the trained educator decided to use her know-how no longer in the day care center, but privately. She and her husband Bernd, a dentist, took care of two home-children: first little Jenny; two years later Jasmine. Both girls come from weak social conditions; they are disturbed, intimidated, have almost four years the vocabulary of two-year-olds. Gaining your trust is a tough challenge for Gitta Melfsen.

Start afresh: social task

But the slim, sporty woman is also able to withstand crises and relapses. Today, she can be proud of herself: both girls, now 13 and 15, have developed great, come clear at school, are popular with other children. "I've been wondering for a while what I want," recalls her foster mother. The air in the job was out, for their own children it was too late, then came the idea with the foster children - "the best decision of my life". A few years earlier, she would hardly have thought of something like that. But then she met Bernd, with whom she - for the first time - thought of starting a family. After all, she was already 40; but before, she says, the right man had never been there.

Are we in our 40s or 50s and feel comfortable, we can assume that our previous life is right for us. That it was not a chain of coincidences, but deliberately chosen by us, with all the decisions we had to make, professionally and personally. Nevertheless, even in a fulfilled life there can be undiscovered sides, never lived wishes. Maybe tomorrow we will come up with the idea that will shape the future years? All three women sought new answers and found them. And also learned that projects and goals are not forever, but for a certain phase of life, because life always remains in flux.

The classic female CV, as it used to be - School, Marriage, Family Life, Maturity, Age - today faces a wide range of possibilities. 40-year-olds treat themselves to a sabbatical or get their first child. 50-year-old change profession or venture the step into self-employment. 60-year-olds start a study or start a shared flat. 70-year-olds make a trip around the world or fall in love again.

Christiane Wehrmann is happy in a job todaythat did not exist 35 years ago.And gradually looks forward to the time when she will leave her professional life. Unusual for an active woman like her, but she looks forward to it: "Then I would like to travel a lot, alone, with a friend, with niece and nephew - or, if it should arise, maybe with a partner by my side . "

Where do I want to go?

"If you want to have something you've never had, you have to do something you've never done before"says psychotherapist Nossrat Peseschkian. Only: What is it that I want to have? What else is missing: a hobby, a task, another love? And how can I find out? One possibility is to dream a little bit into the future. So how, where, with whom do I live in five years? Should everything stay that way, recorded, familiar - should it be new and exciting? What do I really want to experience?

If we take time from time to time for such questions, we not only make our strengths and preferences, but also our inner leitmotifs a bit more aware. This helps to select those that really suit us in the bazaar of dreamed possibilities. That can once again be something really big like a career change; But it can also be something unspectacular, such as the desire to travel once a year with our godchild or grandchild.

We can not give life any more days, says Nossrat Peseschkian - but more life for the day.

Books to read

Hildegard Ressel: "What I really want, how one no longer stands in the way of one's own desires and abilities" (192 p., 7.90 euros, Fischer)
Gerti Samel: "Realize your dream, recognize and implement life visions" (251 pp., 9.90 euros, Rowohlt)
Lukas Niederberger: "Preferably both: Making decisions meaningfully" 304 pp., 15.90 euros, joke)
Nossrat Peseschkian: "Psychotherapy of everyday life, conflict resolution and self-help" (253 p., 8.95 euros, Fischer)
Nossrat Peseschkian: "Life is a paradise to which we can find the key" (191 p., 6 euros, Herder)