Marriage truth: "I am glad that I have gone astray"
I have been married for 22 years. The first years were reasonably okay. I gave birth to my son when I was 19 years old. My husband started working in shift work in 1987. When my son was three years old, I gave birth to my daughter. I've cared for my children all year round. My husband only worked, even on weekends, or slept. I withdrew from him. I slept with the children at night. He never said anything. Never asked questions, always reproaches.
We argued about every little thing. We could not and can not talk about our problems. I've tried it so many times, but he says it's all right. Then as now, I know that he prefers to do it himself rather than sleep with a woman.
He did not even congratulate him on his 40th birthday
It did not matter to me until my 40th birthday. But on my birthday I realized: Something is missing you. Like scales, it fell from my eyes. No sweet word, no happy birthday, no flowers, nothing. As if it were a normal day. Again I tried to talk to him. Asked him if he was happy with his Wichsvorlagen. He said, "Yes!" I told him: "And what about me, I also have wishes and needs!"
He looked at me as if I was the last piece of dirt, as if I had gone crazy. He said I had my daughter, who can hug me. I have such a yearning for caresses.
Since then I'm avoiding him. Often I ask myself: "Am I his mother, sister or cleaning lady?" Although they are treated even better and get more respect. I think he can not bear closeness.
At least I can hug my kids
For a long time I felt it was all my fault. I would be just like him - feeling cold! But at least I can hug my kids and cuddle with them. And I'm in contact with someone I met 17 years ago. At first I did not want to. I was afraid. But then I could not anymore, my feelings were stronger.
It was too good to finally be hugged again, to feel bare skin. Only now did I know what I had renounced for 19 years. I always thought kissing would be unlearned. No, it was better and more beautiful. All the fear I had felt all these years was suddenly blown away. I always thought that I could never show myself naked to a man. Let me go.
My husband is only sorry
My husband once told me I was stiff in bed like a board. But that's not true. Maybe with him, but with my lover it was really nice. I never thought that this would happen. That a man can be so tender. Not like in my marriage: in, out, done.
My husband is only sorry, he does not know how nice it is to be loved. It hurt to know: he watches porn and fiddles with himself, without love. Today I know how poor that is. I am glad that I finally went astray after such a long time. Nobody can remember me anymore. And I finally feel like a woman after so many years. As a woman who is loved and who can give love.
