How do I deal with a difficult person?
Narcissists or perfectionists - these are actually people with whom it is objectively difficult to understand. But most of the difficulties with each other arise more from the relationship dynamics. "Just think of someone you find difficult and a typical situation with that person," says communication expert Karen Zoller. "The core problem is mostly the same: you feel coerced or circumcised in dealing with the person, and that creates a sense of distress, and because we do not like that, we quickly make the other one difficult."
That's why it makes sense to look first, at which points of his personality one hooks up with the other. "Most of the time, it's about the same four basic needs that drive people: the poles of proximity and distance, and structure and change," says Zoller. "And when people with different needs meet, it quickly becomes difficult." It relieves us of knowing that others are different and that their behavior does not always mean personal rejection. This makes it easier to be considerate. "Anyone who knows himself better and knows how the other one is ticking can also bravely defend his personal pain threshold, because the new clarity can lead to that as well: that I deliberately decide to distance myself from this person."
Exercise: NEEDS CHECK?
The following questions will help you understand your own needs and assess whether people you find difficult may be at the opposite end of the spectrum. First, spontaneously choose the answer that best suits you.
You inherit some money. What will you do with this sum?
A: I pay that into my pension insurance. For later.?
B: First of all I do a spontaneous holiday or something really pretty.
C: I'll buy something for the whole family. For example, a new, comfortable sofa would be nice for everyone.?
D: I do not know yet. In any case, I do not talk about it big, so that nobody just talks to me.
Stress is eating your nerves. How do you find peace again?
A: I clean up my apartment. Outer order also sorts me inwardly.?
B: I distract myself! When I dance or sit in the cinema, I can switch off from everything.
C: I am looking for a nice person to pronounce me correctly. After that I feel better.?
D: I run a round in the woods. When I'm alone, I can sort thoughts and feelings best.
How should a really relaxing holiday look like for you?
A: Hiking or a bike ride! Of course, preferably with a person I already know very well.
B: I like it when a journey is as varied as possible. Something like two days of beach, one day sightseeing in the city and then another safari.
C: A beautiful apartment where you spend the weeks together with friends or family and have plenty of time for each other. That's great.
D: I like quiet places. Sailing or even traveling in the off season. It is relaxing for me when I have no one around me.
What kind of friendships is particularly important to you?
A: Meeting my longtime girlfriends. This is a party! I organize this regularly.
B: I love to meet new people again and again. At parties or simply because you're waiting for the same bus. Many a chance acquaintance eventually became a friend.
C: Much of what I do, I like to do with friends. They help with the move, we go to the sport together.?
D: I think it's great that I have one or two friends that I can really rely on. Even if we do not see each other so often, they are very close to me.
EVALUATION:
The more often you have ticked a certain letter, the closer you are to one of these four need poles:
A: Structure
You love stability, planning and a certain order of things and feelings. Others are considered reliable, loyal and thorough. On the other hand, you find annoying everything that is ambiguous, superficial or unforeseeable.
B: change
Colorful, new, exciting - you like those things. You blossom when pace and life determine the day. You react sensitively when someone demands routine or thoroughness from you.
C: proximity
You are very important to each other. Friends, family, a good team. You are helpful, emotional and interested in others. You find it difficult when others withdraw from you or do not go into your relationship offers.
D: distance
You like inner independence as much as time with yourself. And you appreciate honesty.If you feel treated with disrespect and people constantly demand closeness and relationship gestures, you are allergic to it.
Now think of a person you find difficult, and answer the questions the way you think he would.
Presumably, the evaluation results in a completely different need structure. Go through your last conflicts with this knowledge. Could it be that your counterpart did not want to annoy you or hurt you, but only acted according to your own needs? Use this new perspective to clarify for yourself how you want to shape the future together.
You have three options:
? Bridge:
If the relationship is important to you, try to understand the deeper motivations of the other. For this you have to work intensively with the other person. You really only want to do that with people who? really close to one. And: Do not waste energy on wanting to change the other. It is in vain. Others, like you, have their reasons for being what they are.
? Kaseglocke:
Try to communicate only on the factual level. However, you then have to endure not to respond to sharp comments or advances of the other person. The cheese bell is often a good solution for dealing with annoying colleagues, landlords or neighbors. Of course, if you want the other to refrain from doing something - like loud phone calls in the office - you can claim that. But do not expect the other to prove you right and see that he is "objectively" talking too loud.
? Cabinets:
Who decides to break off contact, must be consistent and inform others, such as :? "If my ex-husband comes, I'm not there." Also be emotionally distanced, because the more you get annoyed at the other, the more your attention ends up where you can not change anything - a steady and growing one? Source of frustration.
Karen Zoller is a psychologist and communication expert. She is the author of the guide "Difficult People, How To Deal With Them Sovereignly" (304 pp., 12,99 euros, rororo).
