Expert explains: Why the partner can not make us happy
Most of those who come to us want us to save their relationship. And then we are surprised when, on closer inspection, we advise to let go of each other for the first time - in order to be happy again with each other. The men are then usually too happy and think: "Great, I can continue as a Marlboro man ride in my freedom and independence and limit my emotional communication to Morse code." The women are disappointed at first, wondering if they are infiltrated by us in their efforts to be nearer and dearer and perhaps completely misunderstood our work. Anyone who knows us knows that we humans do not rush to a separation. We think that a lot of divorce would not be necessary if we had more idea of how love actually works and why crises are important for a partnership.
My dream would therefore be relationship happiness as a subject or at least a "driver's license" for marriage.
If I were to exhibit it, I would make people cramming apparent paradoxes. Approximately: "Divorce rarely solves my relationship problem." Or: "A crisis is one of the most precious phases in a partnership." Or: "The magic word for love is no." Or - very, very important: "If we want to be really happy with each other again, then we should break up the relationship and take care of ourselves."
It is like this: The path of love leads inwards. And ask me the all-important question - go or stay? - I can only say from experience and conviction: neither. Walking or staying is usually as good or bad as sticking out or running away. Both do not lead to fulfillment with another person. If you really want to influence the happiness of the relationship and find the way out of a dead end, you have to go to the diving center first. In other words, switch from the screen to the hard drive and make an update there.
The problem here is our imprints, fears and beliefs about closeness and feelings.
In fact, all our attachment behavior is significantly influenced in the womb of our mothers and in the first three years of life. And largely by what people around us believed about love and how they were able to handle feelings - or not. That means for our relationship happiness today that we are largely running on software from others. In the crucial imprinting phase, we just inhaled what was going on in the family and the immediate environment in terms of feelings and partnership. This has provided for programming in our hearts and continues to influence every emotional decision and encounter until today, mostly without us being aware of it.
So most of us drive in love on autopilot according to our experience. And that's why, for the umpteenth time, you may be looking helplessly at how five percent of the heart languishes and hopes for a fulfilling relationship, while the other 95 percent are scared of too much closeness, fear of abandonment or doubts about themselves - and therefore prefer to avoid instead of getting involved. Or as someone rejects one again in the same familiar way, ill-treated or misunderstood, and still decides to stay instead of walking and self-care.
And now? Neither go nor stay, but: clean up the hard drive.
And it's not about blaming parents and first relationship teachers from their childhood, not even 500 years of self-analysis. To clean up means to care for love in one's life and to look honestly, how much one, without knowing it, is not ready for love. And now. Relationship is not a supermarket, but grows on what I give, not on what I need. The way I handle myself, others go around with me. The result is that when I change, the relationships around me change as well. But how should one find out which unconscious relationship killer beliefs and love defense programs one has?
This is simple and yet a challenge: one looks at the (love) life at this moment. Whatever is going on - it reflects what your own inner 95 percent believe, even if you are consciously longing for something else. This seemingly twisted view from inside to outside rather than from outside to inside can call up a lot of resistance or at least a knot in the head. Then it means: "My partner is a stranger, we have not had any good sex for years, we have no closeness.And now I should only deal with myself ?! " Yes, please! Because what you believe about love and your own kindness, everyone around you will reflect you. Therefore, a separation is often only an adjournment of the actual problem - the love virus on your hard drive. If you crack that and clean yourself up, the rest will show up in the outside. Conversely, everything you try on the outside will not last long if nothing changes inside.
"Make me happy!" - it does not work.
The hope that the other person can make you feel safe and secure, loved and understood makes you a junkie and the other a drug. Even keeping still, brackets or whining does not bring the desired closeness - on the contrary, it pushes the other only further away. And go out and hope for the great liberation? Activate the usual patterns and imprints at the latest when the new partner becomes everyday. So the divorce? I know countless people who have built up higher and higher protective walls against divorce from divorce to divorce.
Therefore, the only way to a fulfilling partnership is to gather your courage, let go of the partner and explore yourself.
That's alright, if you look in the mirror in the morning: is one then thrilled with the person you see there, at least a little warm for your heart? Do you go the way of others or do you dare to dream? When the heart or the body gives soft signals and say: "Hey, we are not feeling well", do you follow that? Do you set boundaries with others to take care of yourself? Is one a good lover for oneself? Or at least a really reliable friend?
If not, let go. All about fighting for the relationship, all searching out there, bracing or educating the partner - and learning what my husband and I call inner work. It takes time for yourself and a regular mindfulness and everyday meditation training that leads you to the hard disk. Such a self-coaching is not rocket science. Guided listening exercises, for example, can be a quiet release from old injuries, blocking imprints, unforgiveness, attachment anxiety, self-doubt and constant stress - provided you really take your time for this rendezvous with yourself. And provided you have the courage, the It takes time to let go of everyday unhealthy relationship patterns and old dependencies.
Whereby we would be back at the beginning, because that is why we often advise couples to a (temporary) separation.
That does not mean that everyone now dives and settles into his comfort zone. But that's a basic disconnect with separation of table and bed, where everyone brings his own life back into power and clarifies his part of the inner software problems: "In what areas do I not live the way I want to, where do I lose strength, what do I have to change in relation to myself to feel better, what is it that bothers me?"
As you come into closer contact with your inner self, old beliefs and patterns of new authenticity can give way. One finds oneself again and learns not to follow outer ideals or the claims of others. Sometimes, this also implies a very clear decision of the heart, which means: "I have to part, if I want to be true to myself." But often enough, a relationship mysteriously picks up momentum when you treat yourself to self-love.
I have experienced this countless times in my work and in my own marriage: even if one does not say a word about the inner work, this transformation will not be hidden from the partner. And without being rationalized, movement comes to a standstill. Suddenly the unforgiveness gives way, closeness begins again, the heart opens. With one and the other. And one senses: There is a secret in love - and that means staying with oneself.
Eva-Maria Zurhorst and her husband Wolfram are also successful authors, their current book is: "Love yourself and it does not matter who you marry, the large practical course, Part 1" (352 p., 19.99 euros, Arkana)
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