To give the children to a foster family? The expert advises
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: A single mother who is so desperate that she gives her children to a foster family ...
Dr. Alexandra Widmer: I would like to say that this is a very courageous step.
Why?
Many single parents are overburdened and at the same time afraid to show it, to get support. You have a wrong understanding of strength. I see it as a strength to show in his weakness and neediness. Unfortunately, this openness is still interpreted by many institutions and people as a failure. That must change urgently.
The overload of single parents is so omnipresent?
Yes, even if it always depends on the individual situation. Of course, it is the best case that the father also contributes. But many are more like Ms. Funke, right? In principle, the other parent can be legally forced to visit his child if the child suffers from the contact abort. But in practice it is not nice for the child if the father is only forced to keep in touch with coercive means.
Pretty unfair, when everything gets stuck with the mother.
Of course it is. But the question is: how do you deal with this injustice?
Would not it be better to do something about the problem yourself?
At first, however, an individual will not change these external conditions. Many say that there is not enough money, the legal system is unfair, politics does not pay. I agree. And of course you can continue to blame the state or your partner, but that does not change anything except to make yourself a bad life.
Dr. Alexandra Widmer works in a psychosomatic clinic in Hamburg, is a mother of two and runs an online project for single parents to prevent depression and burnout. Meanwhile, her blog "Strong and Single Parent" is read and used thousands of times.
© privateWhat is the alternative then?
It is only about 100% self-responsibility.
Single parents are responsible for more than enough.
This is true. But in addition to responsibility for children, household or income, many forget the self-responsibility for themselves. You have to be compassionate and mindful with yourself, to learn how to deal with unpleasant feelings such as anger and fear, to deal with yourself, to develop and yourself change.
And when should one do it all?
No time and no money - these are not arguments. What is more important than self-care? Because without them you can not care for the children. It has nothing to do with egoism: the most important person in my life is me, only then are my children. This is like the oxygen masks on the plane: first help yourself and then children with you.
And does single parenting find this change of perspective difficult?
Many have no awareness of themselves and how to look after themselves. I myself was asked after my separation times by a consultant, how I am. That surprised me completely, because at the beginning I did not even think about that.
Do you need professional support to make these inner changes?
Yes, as soon as possible. There are child protection association, education advice centers, the Diakonie, also to the youth welfare office one can turn therefore. There are enough contact points where you get support.
Living as a single parent is and remains objectively exhausting.
Naturally. But it is always amazing to see that two single parents, even if they share the same framework, can still go completely different. And that's exactly what their inner attitude plays the role.
How exactly should that be?
It's about two things: First, questioning his basic beliefs - and second, letting go of them. Many believe, for example, that families only work with father and mother, some claim to do it better than their own parents. They quarrel about why they just did not manage to stay together as a couple, or claim to want to do it all on their own. This eats self-confidence and binds energy because you feel inadequate all the time. These ideals are not achievable.
Unfortunately, it is not only your own claim, for many it is reality to have to do everything alone.
But that's just not possible. It is completely utopian to try to live with the children alone as if you were not. This enduring struggle, everything perfect, to do everything yourself, will inevitably lead to exhaustion someday. As with Mrs. Funke's story.It takes a lot for a mother to take this step and call the youth welfare office. One would have had to take countermeasures much earlier. If she had come to me, I would have sent her to a psychosomatic clinic with the children.
This may help in the acute crisis, but everyday life at home does not change for a long time.
Right. You need people, you need networks and the courage to build them. It is not easy to ask for help, especially if one of many people first hears a no. You may even have to change your circle of friends to get support. And if possible from several: The one I call when I need someone to talk, the other helps me with practical matters and takes my child from the kindergarten. And the next time I take over the pickup. Others are the same: you can not do it alone.
