Simplify your love: "Love does not just happen"
Marion Küstenmacher with husband and co-author Werner Tiki Küstenmacher
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: The title of your book is "simplify your love". Simplify love - what do you mean by that?
Marion Küstenmacher: This means that I am concentrating on a partner with whom I would like to learn to love together. I let go of other options, no longer look around, if there is anything better for me. If both partners agree, you can enter into a great common growth process.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: How do I know that it pays off with this partner?
Marion Küstenmacher: The prerequisite for this is that you have developed a clear inner picture of what you are looking for. Love does not just happen, as many imagine. Unfortunately, if something happens, it is often inappropriate. Singles are advised to realize what they are looking for in the other, what inspires them. This can also be first in the circle of colleagues or relatives. By the way, I do not like something about your question: "To pay yourself", that sounds like consumerism. But she is a killer in every partnership - if someone thinks "I get something, you have to deliver!", The relationship can not work.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: They ask couples to clarify important issues, such as the marriage and child issues. When did the time come?
Marion Küstenmacher: As a rule, if one of the partners wants it. In the course of the relationship the couple must ask the fundamental question 'How far do we want to grow together?' answer. If this question remains unanswered, the relationship gets stuck in a traffic jam. In the book, we clarify concrete proposals, for example, to set a deadline for the baby question, if one of the partners can not yet decide.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Talking to each other is the key to success in many areas of love - for example during sex. What is most important?
Marion Küstenmacher: That sex is not understood as a gymnastics festival. We have a lot of expectation lists in our head, are crowded with pictures. When we have a partner, we have to learn to discover that one person in his uniqueness, even erotically. During our research on the book, we found out about how people are plagued by how they perceive sexuality externally - for example, when they ask on Internet forums how often they need to have sex for the relationship to be green. The topic is difficult for many couples, although it is no longer a taboo topic. Really less important are the techniques than the inner resonance that one receives from one's partner during sex. If he is very present with me, then the sex is beautiful.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Your book states that crises are a necessary station in love. They call these crises the "dark forest". Can not you really avoid the Finsterwald?
Marion Küstenmacher: Take your childhood. When learning to walk it is necessary for you to fall down: it will carry you on. In the Finsterwald, in crisis situations, we grow up a second time, we can mature as a person. It cracks in the frame of our personality, we rub against our partner. It is important in such situations to ask yourself what is behind it. Many partnership crises arise because they are not recognized as identity crises. If you realize "I have something in me that I want to change", you should not blame the partner, but ask him for help. Crisis is necessary because we are changing, and even though they are serious, they need not be the end of a relationship.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: The Affair is a deadly threat to the relationship. Why?
Marion Küstenmacher: Before we started researching the book, we were more inclined to adopt a "laissez faire" approach ("that can happen") because we did not want to condemn anyone. But the research on the subject has made us very serious. The long-term analyzes of Germany's leading expert on the subject, Ragnar Beer, have shown that infidelity is an extremely serious violation of the level of trust. It takes an awful lot of energy to get out of such a situation. Ragnar Beer concluded at the end of his studies that if the fraudsters had known in advance what their suffering would be in the partnership, most would have foregone it and preferred to put their energy into the relationship first. This is a piece of education in terms of couple awareness, which we could not withhold from our readers.
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