Is that still love or can it go away?
BARBARA: Mr. Hegmann, why did the Gottschalk separation move so many people?
Eric Hegmann: "I think there was a certain amount of nostalgia in there, after all the Gottschalks were somehow role models for many people, and they had respect for their performance for so many years and then under the pressure of a public life then separating such a couple beyond the age of 70 has certainly scared many people, because many couples feel threatened by this late separation in their own construct, which may have been loveless for years. "
But is not it crazy to cling to marriage when there is no love left?
"I do not think that's so crazy, you have to remind yourself that the love-marriage is a relatively new-fangled invention." Until 200 years ago, love did not exist as a marriage reason. "On the contrary, it was best avoided, a love marriage Love was a security risk, rationality was the more stable alternative, and women in particular needed stability, because life and limb depended on keeping the marriage alive. "
Our grandparents and parents were there but a bit more romantic, right?
"One can not answer that blanket, some determine it, and there are also many couples who definitely lead a fulfilling love relationship into old age, but the fact is that the independence of women is a very new good and still is The rights of unmarried couples are also relatively new, and not so long ago, hoteliers were punishable when they rented a shared room to couples without a marriage certificate, and then, of course, the pressure was higher. Nowadays, finding a partner has become much more complicated, a marriage does not close as quickly as it used to, because the desire to have a lifelong loving relationship brings with it the fear of being with another partner But to be even happier, that is why relationships often fail in the first six months of the present day - marriage as a purpose community is often not an option for younger couples. "
Quite different than in the generation of now 50- to 80-year-olds?
"Yes, I think there are a lot of couples in this age span who eventually find the marriage to be a community of convenience."
Is not that somehow unfair to the partner? Is not it better to split up?
"It depends on how happy or unhappy they both are with this arrangement, and the alternatives are not that easy." Looking for a partner again at age is not impossible, but it is very stressful, and so is couples therapy From a certain age, it's really difficult, because the dynamics of a couple are getting more and more deadlocked, and being alone is not for everyone, so the bottom line is that some couples go well with separate lives in separate bedrooms under the same roof Often the disparity is not so clearly named or problematized, especially the post-war generation does not communicate much about such things, and if the topic is tackled, it is more rational and rational.
That sounds really unromantic.
Is it also, where I would take out the rating. The romantic love as a single marriage ground is, as I said, a whole new model. We are currently in a testing phase. I'm curious to see if the concept "Everything for one forever" will really work in the long term despite rising life expectancy. So far, it looks pretty good. Divorce rates have dropped in recent years. We will see where this leads us.
But would not it be appropriate to at least give the grown-up children pure wine and say: Listen, we're still living together, but this is no longer a relationship you should follow?
I am skeptical about the demands of children regarding their parents' relationship. To what extent should they be allowed to judge whether this form of relationship is exemplary or not? It's actually quite amusing how wishful thinking tilts at some point. First, many parents have a clear idea of what their children are like. Later, children have an idea of what their parents are like. I think both are not right. As a son or daughter you should always make it clear that you can only understand certain things when you have experienced them yourself. So how should a thirty-year-old know what a marriage should look like after forty years and how appropriate communication should take place?
Well, you are somehow oriented to the life of the parents, right?
"In any case, but that does not happen on the cognitive level anyway, so that could not influence a clarifying conversation with the parents either, unconsciously we take on some dynamic that we experienced as children with our parents and grandparents and looking for a partner with whom such a dynamic works, we feel secure in these relationship patterns learned as a child. "
Can we even manage to have a fulfilling relationship if our parents did not make it?
The biggest problem with the still young relationships, I see not so much in the old patterns, but rather in a Überromantisierung.Der claim, with a person for decades good sex, leisure, everyday life and Sharing one's own monogamous life concept is huge, our ancestors would ask us if we're still clean, but our guilty conscience will eat us up right away if life does not feel like Disney for a while ... I think it's important Yes, I love you, just not right now, in quarrels or crises. And that's okay. "
What can we do to keep our relationship romantic despite the not-so-Disney phases?
Romance is such a thing. I think gratitude is a particularly wise form of romance. To say three things each evening that you have valued at the other day is a good exercise to get back to or close to. Very important: This must not be the same three things every day, you have to discover something new every day at the partner that fulfills one with gratitude. If the obvious strengths of the partner have all been mentioned at some point, finding the less obvious little gestures and pleasures requires great attention. One has to keep one's eyes open, consciously focusing on the other's positive. And if it still does not work out, it helps to face the truth: perfection does not exist. And you can also get upset one after the other.
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