Elizabeth Gilbert - Searching for the I
The woman who traveled around the world for a year to find herself and love, feels at home at home. For a cosmopolitan, Elizabeth Gilbert lives in the pampas. Frenchtown, New Jersey, is the name of the 1500- soul town: trees, rivers, and the nearest big cities, New York and Philadelphia, are almost two hours away. If you do not want the blanket to fall on your head here, you want to ask, but you can see the opposite of your satisfied face. The author is happy - and proud of "Two Buttons," a large shop selling Asian masks, furniture, and trinkets, which she bought from her bestseller "Eat, Pray, Love" with her Brazilian husband José.
That the book is filmed with Julia Roberts - a big fan of the story - Gilbert finds great. But not more. They are more concerned with the upcoming community gathering and their herb garden. The former full-blooded urban girl would never have thought that she would once dig into the earth with enthusiasm and give away her herbal mixtures in the village. It's a little bit like caring for a relationship: not every germ packs it, but with patience and love, the seeds become a dense network.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: You look very relaxed. Hard to believe that you spent the nights howling on the bathroom floor a couple of years ago. Their marriage was over, they suffered from depression and self-doubt. The German author Janosch once said: "It's about practicing crashes in life." They fell deeply. Do you feel confident on your feet today?
Elizabeth Gilbert: Safer than five years ago anyway. There is a lot of truth in the quote. But at that time I never considered crashes an exercise in life, but dismissed them as annoying. I was ignorant. Who has 15 car accidents in a row, would have to realize that he is a miserable driver. He should urgently register for retraining. I, on the other hand, raced from one failing relationship to the next with my foot on the gas.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: Until the next impact.
Elizabeth Gilbert: Yes, until the serve was too hard. And forced me to finally stop.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: You are talking about your divorce.
Elizabeth Gilbert: I have always been in a relationship since I was 14. Infinitely in love, then devastated and shortly thereafter again infinitely in love. That's how it went for almost 20 years. With the divorce, I realized that in all my romantic mistakes, there was a common factor: me. I was there with every disaster. I was the thread that connected all the episodes.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: Apparently the very deep case was needed for this insight.
Elizabeth Gilbert: Sometimes you have to fall into the big hole to be ready for the great love. I loved all my life. At least that's what I imagined. Only when I stood before the ruins of my life, I realized: I was obsessed with the desire to love and to be loved. Really pure, self-evident love I did not know. I lost hope that "great love" was possible. I had already messed up too much.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: A relationship always includes two.
Elizabeth Gilbert: But I had no idea how to build a balanced relationship. I overwhelmed my insecurity with arrogance: guilt always had the other one. Who was just by my side, was the grinder. When I cried, it was he who made me sad. I was annoyed, then because of his ignorance. If something did not suit me, I stomped and pointed at him, away from me.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: Like in kindergarten.
Elizabeth Gilbert: (laughs) Exactly. I was immature. That's the positive thing about the very deep abysses: when you come out of them ...
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: ... are you growing up?
Elizabeth Gilbert: My father once said: You are only an adult when you have really exposed yourself. This happens in a divorce: There are trumpeted things that do not concern anyone. The partners make a monkey to each other. Dreadful. But you learn from it. Misbehavings or humiliation do not automatically mean wise, but are an invitation to change.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: You seem to have accepted the invitation - and made a plan: to travel around the world alone for a year to free your mind and soul. This resulted in four months India, Bali ...
Elizabeth Gilbert: ... and Italy! Spaghetti is the best medicine for broken hearts. My body needed it. I had mentally and physically downheated, cried for years and slept little. I had to eat some bacon. Women rarely manage to say, "I'm eating it now, and the consequences are the same for me, no matter how much I gain." I've gained over ten pounds.I wanted to be pampered and deny myself nothing more - "You want ice cream? You get ice cream!".
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: Eating with grief and fear had nothing to do with it?
Elizabeth Gilbert: On the contrary. For the first time, I dealt with my fears. Until then, I had replaced them. I learned that you have to laboriously dig up, clean up, carefully pack the roots that hold you down in the abyss and put them in your backpack. Only then can it continue. Cutting them simply does not help: they grow even higher and pull you down.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: It would be more comfortable if you were able to drop the backpack, completely put off your fears and insecurities.
Elizabeth Gilbert: Luckily that does not work. Because our fears make us who we are and how we love them. All the demons of my past are like little orphaned baby monsters to me. With each desperate attempt to push them away, they cling to my skirt and scream only louder.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: When do you rest and play?
Elizabeth Gilbert: If we stop wanting to be always strong - and are really brutal to us. Life begins when you drop the knife that you hold to your own throat.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: You have successfully kept the monster band in check. Towards the end of the journey you were at peace with yourself - and fell in love. Suddenly, after all the drama, you experienced the great love.
Elizabeth Gilbert: I did not expect that. Especially not in Bali. I had just climbed out of my dark hole and did not want to go to a new love disaster. The feelings were ultimately stronger. But also the confidence in my newly won wisdom.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: Her husband José and you have been together for six years. Do you understand better today what a relationship is about?
Elizabeth Gilbert: Absolutely. To two people and not to me and my expectations. Whether they were realistic did not interest me earlier. I pictured the other person's character without involving him in this idea. If she did not come true, I became a fury. The men could only lose. A successful relationship has to do with diplomacy and respect.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: Maybe your second husband just fits you perfectly. A soulmate. , ,
Elizabeth Gilbert: Uh, I'm allergic to that word! I do not believe in that. There were several such encounters in my life, and the more intense the feeling, the more dramatic the end. Mainly because of my anger, when it turned out that the other one was not what I was looking for: a duplicate of mine, only better.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: And when your husband showed up, did you give up the search for your second self?
Elizabeth Gilbert: Yes. It was clear from the beginning that we are like fire and water. José hates parties, I like to go away. He prefers home, I love traveling. He is neither spiritually interested nor does he write or do yoga. These are all things that used to be on my unconditional list. Nevertheless, it is the great love. Because we managed to make each other "soul mates", if you like.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: How is this supposed to work?
Elizabeth Gilbert: You have to keep your eyes open. To find a nice person who shares his own future plans. To trust one who has values and moral claims. You can rely on it, even in the abyss. The one including all monsters loves. Then, 40 years later, you wake up together and realize that he is the "soulmate." After thousands of shared breakfasts, emergencies and talks, you have grown into a single unit. How can one expect that intimacy to be present at the first encounter? And it's best to have a fireworks display.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: Finding the right relationship between intimacy and distance in love is and remains quite a balancing act.
Elizabeth Gilbert: I know. We all know this feeling. I love you - but do not come too close! This is the porcupine dance.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: Excuse me?
Elizabeth Gilbert: Schopenhauer sums up the problem of intimacy and distance with a porcupine story: on a cold winter's night, the animals gathered together to warm each other. As soon as they get closer, the spikes whip and they drive back to escape the pain. Then it gets cold again, they want to cuddle - and flee again. This porcupine dance can go on for hours. They want to be warm and secure, but they are afraid of pain every time they meet. Does this sound familiar to you?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: Sure. But is it really too much to ask that you want to have both - love AND freedom?
Elizabeth Gilbert: That's another myth that needs to be smashed. This idea that you can have everything: safety, closeness, affirmation and complete freedom. Not possible. I even find it quite stupid and childish to ask for it.At some point you have to decide.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: For example, for marriage. However, they were almost forced to marry again - by the American immigration authorities. José, a Brazilian with an Australian passport, would not have gotten a visa anymore. Free decision?
Elizabeth Gilbert: Actually, we both never wanted to marry again. Our divorces were too painful for that. Then José was led away before my eyes and taken away. At that moment I realized that we had no rights without a marriage certificate. And I realized that I wanted to be more for this man than just the girlfriend. To overcome my fear, I read a lot about the history of marriage, wrote my new book about it. And today I can say that I fully support my "yes".
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: So even if you have to make a lot of concessions?
Elizabeth Gilbert: I do not walk around in a burka and he does not handcuff me. But we should not pretend that we are free. I live the life of the other one. In October I go for ten days on a research trip. I can not get up in the morning and serve him for breakfast: "Hey, I'm a free woman, I'm going to disappear for a while and do not have to give you an account." But! I have to do that very well. We both have to.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Woman: And where with the love of freedom?
Elizabeth Gilbert: When the relationship feels right, everyone voluntarily gives up some of their autonomy. Even though he used to hold on to her like a pit bull. I can not start and end 365 days a year as I want it to. But whoever negotiates well, still leaves room for free. I can reassure you: I am quite adept at that.
About Elizabeth Gilbert
Elizabeth Gilbert, 41, was born in Waterbury Connecticut, USA. She studied political science at New York University and worked as a journalist for Spin, GQ, and The New York Times Magazine. An article about her experiences as a waitress on the Lower Eastside became the basis of the movie "Coyote Ugly". Since 2000, she regularly publishes books, the breakthrough came in 2006 with "Eat, Pray, Love". The bestseller sold eight million copies in over 40 languages. In her latest book The Yes-Word. How I made my peace with marriage (t: Maria Mill, 352 pp., 22 euros, will be published on August 21st at Bloomsbury Berlin), the divorced author discusses her fears of a renewed marriage. Elizabeth Gilbert has made a conscious decision against children and lives with her husband in rural Frenchtown between New York and Philadelphia. She is writing a new book.
