Divorce: How do I tell my child?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Children often get it when their parents' relationship is in crisis. When is the right time to explain that you want to break up?
Elke Wardin: A separation or divorce is a serious break in the life of a child and his family. Therefore, parents should talk to their children about this subject only if they have made a firm decision that they want to take that step. But they should not delay the conversation, because, for example, one of them has not yet found a new apartment, since the children perceive the atmospheric disorder in the family anyway. You quickly need clear conditions. It greatly unsettles them when what they feel does not match what they experience and what they are told.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: How to make it clear to the child that his parents do not love each other anymore?
Wardin: Children can only understand intellectually at elementary school age that parents can no longer understand each other and diverge. A smaller child is best said that parents do not want to live together anymore and everyone wants to live their own life without the other. The children usually get along, if the parents in the run-up to the separation constantly argue or icy silence reigns.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Does the child have to explain the reasons for the quarrels or the silence?
Wardin: I would rather advise against detailed explanations. Such explanations often touch on adult issues that overwhelm children because they do not understand them. For divorces, there is often a stronger and a weaker parent. The weaker tends to say things to the child, such as "Daddy / Mom has fallen in love with someone else and does not want me anymore." Children then develop the feeling that they must keep to the weaker parent and not love the other. This puts enormous strain on her. And the moment parents tell them to split up, the kids are not very open to explanations anyhow, they want to know more about how their lives are going on and how their relationship with their two parents is shaping up for them becomes.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: What do the children want to know in this situation?
Wardin: Children often have very pragmatic questions. It can be observed in many crisis situations in children that they want to know practical things in a startling way: Where is my bed? Who brings me to the kindergarten?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: All these things must be known when talking about a separation with the child for the first time.
Wardin: At least in principle, parents should have agreed on how to shape the future family life of their children. It is very helpful to involve the children as much as possible. Even we adults know this about us: When we feel that something is happening, but nobody tells us what's going on, we are at the mercy of our imagination. This is how children are during the separation of their parents. But when parents let them participate in their decisions, they gain an overview of what's going on in their lives and that gives them security.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Involving children - what does it look like?
Wardin: A good example is finding a flat. In my counseling practice, I often find that parents are unsure if they can tolerate their child. I strongly advise! You can take them with you to the viewing appointment and tell them: Look, this could be your room! You can paint together with the child and choose furniture. This scares him because it gives him an idea of what his life after the breakup can look like and actively participates in shaping it. The basic decisions should always be taken naturally by the adults.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: When talking to your child about the separation for the first time - should you do it alone or with the other parent?
Wardin: Parents should definitely talk to the child if it can be arranged. It is best if they communicate in advance: When do we want to tell the children, and what exactly do we want to tell? So they give the signal to the child: We are both behind the decision. We as parents separate, but we both still want to be there for you as parents. If only one person tells something to the child, the question always remains: where is the other? How do I behave towards him?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Which children's reaction do you have to expect in this first interview?
Wardin: Children cry, withdraw or do not seem to react at all? In principle, however, it can be said that they always react with fear.Her entire life has suddenly begun to waver. There are typical symptoms that occur in different age groups and once quite normal responses are to the difficult living conditions of children during a divorce. Infants, for example, develop strong separation fears and a pronounced need for closeness. Most parents help their children in this situation when they take time for closeness and conversation.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Many children feel guilty about separating their parents.
Wardin: Of course and that weighs a lot! This is especially the case with children of kindergarten age because they are very much in the center of things and believe that everything has something to do with them and that they themselves can influence everything. Many children experience disputes in the run-up to a separation, which often involves upbringing, and then tend to shoulder at least a large part of the blame, since they also fail to prevent the separation. To counteract the pressure of parents to break up, children often develop age-related reactions and symptoms that slowly dissolve when the children experience relief.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: How long do these extreme behaviors last?
Wardin: This question can not be answered flatly. Experience from consulting practice shows that the time it takes for a family to get back up all the family members? Safe ground? found to take two years to complete. Parents and, unfortunately, often physicians, educators and teachers are often far too early on the view that conspicuous behaviors of the children soon after the separation would have to stop. But kids just need a time when they can take everything that explodes inside out. During a break, their lives are practically completely crazy - they also have to give them time, in which they are allowed to be a bit crazy themselves. How long this period lasts has a lot to do with how the parents shape the separation situation for the children and how quickly they succeed in giving the children safe ground again? to provide.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: How to make the separation situation as easy as possible for the children so that such symptoms do not even occur that much?
Wardin: These symptoms are always an expression of insecurity and anxiety. If the parents make reliable, safe circumstances for the children, the children become confident and the fear becomes less. As a rule, such behavior occurs in the first year after the separation, even if the family situation stabilizes again. If this is not the case, you have to take a closer look and may also seek the help of a therapist. By the way, special attention is needed where children simply "run unobtrusively". Then the question arises how they process their experiences and fears.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: In some cases, would it be better for the children if the parents stayed together?
Wardin: I'm often asked that. When parents split up, they usually think about it a lot: Can we expect our children to? It is important to me to mediate: Relieve your attitude !. A separation is no alternative to a harmonious family life for you. I advise the parents to say: I separate myself to give the child a quiet life again. If they do not burden themselves with allegations, they can also be a much greater help to their child. To achieve such a calm attitude, it is recommended for many parents to seek help and support.
Elke Wardin is a graduate social pedagogue and systemic family therapist. In her practice in Bremen, she advises parents who split up. In addition, she gives regular lectures on "Talking to children about separation and divorce."
