Woman gone: What now?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: It's the exception, not the rule, for women to leave their families, to just leave their children ...
Bärbel Bracker: Women who do this violate a taboo in our society and are therefore outlawed. Remember, statistically, 85 percent of lone parents are still women. Conversely, this means that "normal" is that the man leaves.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: What difference does it make for the children, whether the mother or the father leaves?
Bärbel Bracker: For children, the emotional burden is always great when the parents separate - no matter who goes. In general, the mother is still considered the more important caregiver, she must and should stay with her children. Because traditional thinking lags behind the real possibilities, men and women are both involved in that there has been little change so far.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: So does that mean that the children suffer more when the mother leaves them?
Bärbel Bracker: It depends on the individual case, the role and importance of the father in this family. That he is a very central, important person in the lives of children, that has long been rather under the table, was not examined. Only now psychologists and sociologists are dealing with the drama of the "nonexistent" father. Because fact is, and no one publicly shakes his head: A majority of fathers has after two years, hardly any contact with the children. Women rarely dive like that, on the contrary, they are always available to their daughter or son.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Has the mother role been overestimated and the father role underestimated?
Bärbel Bracker: Yes. We all still live with the centuries-old conviction in our heads: a child belongs to the mother. But who says that even fathers can educate their children well and lovingly?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Yes. We all still live with the centuries-old conviction in our heads: a child belongs to the mother. But who says that even fathers can educate their children well and lovingly?
Bärbel Bracker: Everything can be learned. In addition, I have found that single fathers firstly do this job well and secondly, they receive much more support and praise than a single parent anyway. One woman states: You can do it, after all, that's what thousands of other women do. On the other hand, colleagues and superiors are more generous with a man in terms of working hours and work assignments. On the one hand, he is regretted for his lot, on the other hand he gets a lot of recognition. One says: Hats off to a man who manages everything alone at home.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: So you can quietly take more men into duty?
Bärbel Bracker: Legislators are already thinking ahead. By extending the statutory parental leave into a parental leave, in which both parents can share the education of the children, a clear signal is set: Both, mother and father, are important for children. The more the paternal role becomes socially significant, the more it will be accepted when a woman says: My marriage is at an end, and now it's me who is leaving.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: And the children do no more harm than if the father went?
Bärbel Bracker: Women usually only leave their children behind when they know they are in just as good hands with their fathers, maybe even better, than with them. Men who break out of a partnership are far from having so much thought. Thankfully something is changing. Basically, in my opinion, it is not decisive who is going. Much more drastic is how a separation works. How parents can minimize the suffering of the children.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: What do you advise the families?
Bärbel Bracker: I advocate professional separation advice and support. In the meantime we have a coach for everything, for economic problems, for personal happiness, for better communication - only for the mass separations in this country. Everyone is kidding alone. It would help a separation coaching to mitigate suffering, guilt and blame would no longer have this space that they still take today in many ex-partners.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Where do you get such a coaching?
Bärbel Bracker: There are contact points for families in every city, every municipality. In the yellow pages, for example, under the heading "Advice and information" you will find phone numbers and addresses of so-called mediators and family therapists.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Is it too late for a family after a few years for a consultation?
Bärbel Bracker: After a few years, a family survived the crisis.But to discuss everything that could happen, it is never too late. Since one or the other the knife can be pulled out of the heart. Old feelings can be adjusted and transformed into positive ones.
