That's how easy it is to calculate the separation risk

John M. Gottman, born in 1942, is a professor emeritus of psychology at the University of Washington and is considered one of the most influential couples researchers in the world. In 1986, he established the Family Research Laboratory, better known as the Love Lab, in Seattle. For years, couples could be seen there around the clock. Microphones and sensors were attached to them, registering the heartbeat and blood pressure, while at the same time video cameras were recording the events. Gottman and his colleagues observed the couples' interaction, their quarrels, facial expressions, and gestures to identify stress and relaxation phases. As part of the research, Gottman gained a wealth of insight into how couples can keep their relationship healthy and stable. From this he developed the "Four Apocalyptic Riders" - signs that tell something about how much a relationship is in trouble. Gottman became known around the world when Malcolm Gladwell in his bestseller Blink (2006) mentioned his ability to quickly assess a couple's future viability. Currently, the entrepreneur and founder of "The Goodman Institute" is on the road as a consultant and trainer, usually accompanied by his wife Julie Schwartz-Gottman.

Oskar Holzberg:How can you tell so quickly if a relationship will fail?

John Gottman: That's pretty easy. It's enough to watch a couple talk about how the day has been. Whether they really are interested in each other and curious. Whether what the partner has experienced really matters to them. If so, they laugh together or feel the stress of the other. They reflect the feelings of the partner empathic.

They say that the way couples relate their story is a more reliable barometer.

Yes exactly. The stories we tell about our lives, our partner and those we love have proven to be very good predictions of the future. If one is rather uninspired about the shared history of the relationship and very negative about the character of the partner, then that predicts that this relationship will soon end. It's our surest prediction, 94 percent. But we can not get over that 94 percent. There are always couples who stay together even though the partners treat each other badly.

And what holds them together?

Research has shown that they do not believe in getting it better. That's why they stay. But when respect changes into contempt and when we feel that the partner is disgusted by us, then we should think about it. Contempt undermines physical health.

What role does trust play in the success of a relationship?

We examined 130 newly married couples. The couples, who had been able to build trust, got children and continued the relationship. The others separated within the first six years.

Did that surprise you?

We knew that the most important feature for people looking for dating is trust. And that the main reason that keeps people from marrying is lack of trust. But what is trust really? I thought that if I can help to understand these confidence processes, then I will find out what love is.

How do couples build trust?

We assume that there are three phases of love. First, the infatuation. Second, the phase in which people build their relationship in everyday life and begin to see the red flags they have missed in their first infatuation. Features that first attracted them now become sources of irritation. And at this stage, there is an existential question: "Are you there for me, are you sexually loyal, are you sharing your feelings, are you talking to me when I'm sad, are you not going to be angry with my moods? you me about your mother and your friends? " This is where confidence building begins. The third phase of love is about building loyalty and commitment, in the sense of commitment.

Appreciation is the key

Sent some emails before getting in touch with John Gottman. He lives on a remote island off Seattle, so they got together over Skype and had a long, intense conversation. Gottman only had to interrupt once to let the cat out.

Are couples who succeed in building trust against unfaithfulness?

It's not that easy. But it can be said that the antidote to the poison of faithlessness is the principle of trust. But for that we have to clarify the term once again: faithlessness is always understood as a one-time event, for example as an infidelity.But we know from research that there is a gradual move towards fraud.

What do you mean by that?

The basic processes for working on loyalty, lifelong passion and romance are: to appreciate the positive side of the partner, to emphasize his good qualities, to neglect the negatives. And thankful for what we have. In the case of faithlessness, the opposite happens: the positive qualities are neglected, the negative ones emphasized. The resentment over what we do not have is growing. And we compare our partner negatively with other, real or imagined persons. That sounds very simple, but it is a complex process. Most couples will not know if they are headed for cheating or are building loyalty.

You have to explain that in more detail. I notice if my partner is one hundred percent with me or keeps the back door open?

No, because infidelity begins insidiously. For example, by dismissing the partner's negative feelings as ridiculous and absurd. If, for example, you do not feel like having sex anymore, then we will not go and say, "I do not want to accept that, we had so much fun, we were so close, what happened?", But we think, "Forget he or she is cold, I can not change that anyway. " We are afraid to talk because we fear that there is a huge crash and the partner punishes us with two weeks of silence.

So infidelity begins the moment one of them starts to withdraw?

Exactly! When conflicts become the dominant state. And the more that happens, the harder it gets with "repairing," as I call it. If you say in a dispute to your partner: "I'm sorry that you felt attacked, that was not my intention!", And the partner says, "Leave me alone!", Then the reparation fails, and you stays in this negative cycle. Or if there are problems and you feel that it's not worth taking care of anyway, it will only make you sleep. Then you turn away. And that is the beginning of the unfaithfulness, the inclined plane, as we call it, on which we slip into the deceit. One does not build this third phase of love: the esteem for the other, for the common history and the irreplaceability of this love.

What can couples do consciously to rebuild trust in one another, loyalty?

Decisive for the building of trust is that - metaphorically - the partner is always present. So that you really think about him and know, for example, that he would not mind hugging a colleague, but would feel uncomfortable with a kiss. The other way around you can also think, "He or she will never know." And then you hurt your own ability to love because you have a secret now. And that creates a wall to the partner, which in turn prevents trust. Whenever affairs arise, openness is lacking and conflict is avoided.

Trust is based on being the most important person for you

They write that trust needs the "emotional attunement" of the partners. What does that mean?

That I listen and try to understand the pain of the other when he is hurt. I'm not leaving, I'm not just doing my thing. For the trust building, it is existential to know that the partner sometimes places our interests above his own. Making sacrifices is very, very important. Every couple that comes into my therapy left each other alone in pain. Sometimes such emotional injuries are not addressed for 15 years.

Of course we will deal with the feelings of children, but it is not so easy with the partner.

Exactly. Straight men often find it very difficult. They just want to suggest a solution: "Let's go away together, sponge it over, I'll make it up to you." But in fact they just have to listen.

How do you think fraud is handled correctly?

The only way to save the relationship is to talk to each other. Open and honest. There must be a phase of reconciliation and reparation. First of all, it is important to acknowledge that the deceived person suffers from a post-traumatic stress reaction. For couples, a sexual affair is a fundamental disloyalty. When we have sex with someone else, we always play with the fire. Because oxytocin is released at each orgasm, and that creates attachment, and then dopamine, and the emotional entanglement begins.

They believe that the fraudster must take over all responsibility for the affair. This includes openly answering all questions except those about the details of sexual encounters.

It is absolutely necessary to answer questions openly and express regret. They need absolute transparency, so that the dupe can really seriously trust that it will not happen again.

Still, you have to ask yourself what happened in the relationship, how it came to fraud?

Yes.Trust is based on the fact that I am the most important person for the other person. Both must acknowledge that they have made mistakes and take responsibility for them. And they have to bring their topics to the partner. He must be able to say, "You know, I still do not like our sex, you're never really there." And she must be able to say, "I do not feel close to you, it always feels like a rape, you know I'm not getting wet, you still do not understand what sexually turns me on." Or whatever the conflict is.

So important is sex

They describe that only in a trusting relationship a personal, intimate sexuality can exist. What does that mean?

Pornography is impersonal sex, you drive off on anyone who looks reasonably sexy. Pornography is effective as a fantasy for masturbating. But personal sex means really making love with the other. And that's intimate love, that's passion. One can not remain in the original infatuation. It's not about being in love or loving, it's about getting involved.

Sex definitely plays an important role?

If we compare couples over thirty who are together for at least six to seven years and have a truly satisfying sex life, compared to others who say that they no longer have fun, then they differ in three ways: First, they stay with the good Sex life friends, good friends. They work on their emotional connection. But they not only tune into each other, but they also try new things, seek adventure, are playful with each other. They fulfill each other's dreams and life goals. And the third necessary ingredient is actually that they put sex on top of their list.

The affair is a symptom that is missing in the relationship

Back to the scam: They say that reconciliation must make it clear to the dupe why the scammer has decided to go back.

Yes. An example from my practice: She first asked him: "Why did you come back?" And he said, "Because I love our family." But that is not enough. He did not say, "Because I love you." If she does not know how alone, how unloved he felt in the relationship, how can they build a relationship that is satisfying? And here, too, the cheater needs the complete understanding of his partner. Because the affair is a symptom of what was missing in the relationship.

Does not the betrayed ultimately forgive?

Forgiveness is often very hollow, because there is no deep understanding of what went wrong, what was missing. It needs real regret, real transparency, the will to question oneself, to change one's behavior and one's relationship. If someone can not forgive, then in my experience, there is always a time bomb, which starts sometime. We need to use and work on the aftermath of the hurtful events. On the wounds, time alone does not heal. Forgiveness is never trivial, it goes very deep into the soul of the partner.

"If someone can not forgive, then it is a time bomb, which starts sometime"

What else is needed to find each other again?

You have to choose the relationship. But it is not a one-time decision. You have to decide every day again. You know, it's like having a beautiful crystal glass. If you sweep the wet finger over the edge, then it sings. Well, and when the glass is broken, it does not sing anymore. Crystal glass can not be repaired. The secret is that it had jumped before the affair. Therefore, in my opinion, you definitely need a therapist in this situation.

And that can really help the couple to build the trust that was missing? Now, where did the child fall into the well?

It's not that difficult to learn how to ask open questions, how to ask more advanced questions, how to reach empathy, how to know what you feel, and find words for it, so that the partner really knows what's going on one proceeds. And you really have to get involved, say, "This is my trip, it's the one that I'm staying with for the rest of my life, and if something goes wrong then I'm here, and I know I'll have my wishes in this My relationship can count on me! "

What can a woman do if her husband retires after a fling?

She should threaten him to leave him if he does not want to do therapy. She should tell him that she knows he loves his children and that she does not want to alienate him from them. But that she prefers to live alone because there is no greater loneliness than to live with someone without love.

Is it easier for men or women to restore confidence after an infidelity?

Men find it more difficult if the woman became sexually unfaithful. Women find it more difficult when the man became emotionally unfaithful.

Is not that a cliché?

Well, it's our evolutionary heritage.In addition to oxytocin, we men also release the hormone vasopressin, which builds up aggression. The women only release oxytocin, their blood pressure drops, they are relaxed. But because of vasopressin the blood pressure of men remains high. We are vigilant to protect our genetic line. That's the sad thing about being a man.

Despite all the insights and studies we have about the behavior of couples, the divorce rate is still rising ...

Is she still rising in Germany?

It takes skills to love, and they are not very complicated

Anyway, she does not sink.

In the US, it drops considerably. It is now 48 percent, compared to 52 to 67 percent earlier. But she is rising in Japan, Australia and South Korea. The problem is like everywhere in medicine that most people who need treatment do not get it. There are now successful treatments for couples. And what makes me optimistic is that we can achieve three times as much through prevention as we can with treatments.

Very unromantic, right? We are looking for great love, and now all couples should undergo training.

It takes skills to love, and they are not very complicated. But you do not learn them at school or at the church. We conduct training in 24 countries. How to listen, how to deal with conflicts and injuries, how to stay when there is a disagreement. I hope they will be self-evident at some point. Finland has introduced cooperative learning and has been top in school performance ever since. The children learn to learn from each other. They will lead better marriages later. There is no doubt about that!

So, we just learn to build trust, have intimate conversations - and are we having happy relationships?

Yeah, but of course there's magic too. In order for us to release the cascade of hormones when we fall in love, the woman must look good, smell good, feel good, and of course, the kisses must taste good. It's the same with trust. You can not build it up with anyone, it's not just a technique.

Do not you contradict yourself?

No. Although we can predict and guide it, we do not fully understand it. We have to accept that. I think it is a mutual process. It has to feel good. If the partner is really there for me, then I have to believe it, and it has to be satisfying. I could also put my arm around someone else, but that would feel wrong. And I do not know why that is.

What will his daughter's most famous couple therapist say if she's unsure about love?

Oh, you know, the answer is that if you respectfully treat and listen to your children, they will find someone to be a partner who is also the one who listens and listens to them. My daughter is now 23, and I think she has already found the love of her life. But not because she's read my books, but because she knows she deserves to be treated well, and because she feels the need. She knows how to love, she knows how to do it.

Tax Audit Red Flags: Separating fact from fiction (May 2024).