Good sex: Can you learn intimacy?
To be present
When a woman and a man go to bed with each other, they often spend their whole attention on each other. What does he want, what does he do, what does he do, what does he like, what do you like, and how does she show this to him? If you want more intimacy, then you should put it all aside and keep it with all your attention. At the center of your interest now are you and everything that goes on in you. Because only if you feel what happens to you during sex, you can show yourself in your whole being, and that is the prerequisite for intimacy. Her main question is: What is my body feeling, right now, right now? How does it feel when he touches my breasts? Do I feel pleasure or disinterest, tenderness or shame? How does his skin feel under my fingers, is he afraid of me or greed?
Concentrate on your body perceptions and stay with yourself, even though there is another. And lots of thoughts, associations and desires that are constantly pushing you and your immediate feelings. When you realize that your thoughts are revolving around the orgasm that you did not have last time, or the children who might wake up, realize: Okay, I'm just thinking somewhere else, now I'm trying, inside myself to anchor myself, to give myself back to my immediate feelings. Conversely, if you feel that the other is not involved, do not let that distract you. As long as you stay with your body awareness, you will definitely experience something. And chances are good that the other will come back inside because you're in the middle of it.
Kiss
When did you last kiss your partner really long and hot and intense and seductive? When we ask couples in our seminars, they often realize how long ago that is. And that they shy away from kissing because it is more intimate for them than sleeping together. In fact, in the brain kisses more than in the act of love itself, larger regions are activated, and our emotional response is correspondingly intense.
When kissing, we can immediately express our feelings, gentle or intense, demanding or devoted, it is a wonderful form of wordless communication. More often than women, it is men who have problems with kissing, we had a couple, as the man felt a real horror before. His guess was that it was related to his mother, who always wanted something from him, and while kissing, she was like a phantom in his mind. We then gave the couple a very specific homework assignment: twenty minutes kissing. At first he refused, he did not want it at all. But then it went, and at some point the knot had burst, and both were blessed. Twenty minutes is, of course, a lot, a couple does that only with great suffering. But try ten minutes. Make an appointment for ten weeks. It does not have to be great, just be open and curious. Kiss and see what happens to you.
hingucken
There is a very effective way to create intimacy: open your eyes while kissing or having sex. As long as the eyes are closed, you have pictures in your head, thoughts and fantasies come to you that make you drift away. But as soon as you open your eyes, that is no longer possible, you can no longer avoid it. Above all, you now show yourself to the other person with everything that's happening in you right now: with your lust, your fear, your defense, your love - your essential core.
We all know exactly when something touches us inside, and then instinctively pull back, close our eyes, or it will be too much, too close, too intimate. Go beyond this limit, move it to small homeopathic doses. With practice couples also manage to look at orgasm. If it succeeds, it is overwhelming. To show oneself in a moment of total loss of control: that is the most intimate thing of all.
keep Calm
You just do not feel like having sex? Nothing is stirring in you, not a spark of passion? Okay, then try the silent loving. You do not need a lot of excitement, just the simple desire to be close to the other. The purpose of the silent love is to slow down the sex while being calm. If you are united with your partner - with a lateral position in the scissor position also a slight erection is enough - avoid from now on every push movement and focus the attention on your body sensations completely.
If you feel that you are in the here and now, look in the eyes with ease.Keep breathing calmly and evenly. And let your partner see you with all your moods and feelings. If, despite all the rest, they turn suddenly and turn from connectedness into naked greed: have fun.
Tip: Doris Christinger and Peter A. Schröter work as couple and sex therapists in Zurich. They have their own practice and conduct seminars with a tantric focus. Her current book is titled "To be taken and taken for a new relationship erotic" (304 pages, 18 Euro, Pendo Verlag)
