Perfectionism: As he sometimes is not so bad

Are you already alive or are you still a perfectionist? A sentence that brings to the point what one has to keep of this property and the one who owns it. After all, laxity is the new mantra of our time. We want to be cool and surf through life as if it were not an effort. And yes, it is true: if there was no perfectionism, we would all live differently. Not necessarily better, but probably even worse? or maybe not anymore ...

Thank the perfectionists!

After all, whoever travels by plane or sits on an operating table as a patient, depends on the aircraft technician or surgeon making unrestricted efforts to do the best possible work, not slipping , Also the cultural development of man It would be hard to imagine if individuals did not always work to optimize things.

"We should be deeply grateful to perfectionists," says Dr. Christine Altsto? Tter-Gleich. The psychologist teaches and researches at the University of Koblenz-Landau and is committed to looking at the phenomenon in a differentiated way and at the same time to rehabilitate it: "Perfectionism in itself is not a disease, you can live very well with it many do it too. " Of course, she knows just as well about his unhealthy pronunciations.

For example, perfectionist tendencies increase that Risk of eating disorders especially with young women? and compulsive behavior. "Above all, they are a key element in the development of a burn-out," said the psychologist. "Anyway, every healing process begins with valorization, and it also requires acknowledgment: Yes, it's important to me to have high standards."

Perfectionism as a trap

At the moment, however, the opinion prevails that perfectionists have to do one thing above all else: throw their high goals overboard as quickly as possible. This is not only pejorative, but also unhelpful, says Christine Altsto? Tter-Gleich: "To tell a perfectionist she should just let her be just about as successful as telling an alcoholic he is should stop drinking anything. " Many are well aware that their perfectionist strategies are problematic. "But giving them up seems a lot more dangerous to them," says the expert. They are trapped: between the fear of not being able to meet their demands, and the lowering of them.

Positive and negative perfectionists

But not every perfectionist gets into this unhealthy trap. Why is that? Above all, the motivation, that is, what is behind the high standards. Is this more about the desire to succeed, or rather to avoid failure? In both cases, people use energy and time to do something very good and better.

But while one? sometimes they will too positive perfectionists called ?rejoice when they reach their self-imposed high goal, feel rewarded for their efforts, so their self-esteem feelings and gaining energy for new ones are negative perfectionists rarely satisfied with themselves and their performance. After all, there is always something that could be done better. Even if the deviations from the optimum are so small, sufferers focus much more on these "failures" than on what they manage well, and evaluate it as a complete failure.

Out of this extreme black-and-white thinking, they draw little self-confidence for new tasks. After all, they, too, hold back the possibility of failure. "These so-called perfectionist concerns ultimately determine how vulnerable high demands a person makes," says the psychologist. Not even something really has to go wrong.

"Already in planning actions, these people are often concerned with not doing something."

That can go so far as to make certain decisions? how to apply for a job? not to be hit, for fear of failing. "If someone is prophylactically perfectionist in this sense, outsiders often do not notice it," says Christine Altsto? Tter-Gleich. If your own high demands stress, so should first deal with what is behind it, If you want to be perfect in your job, you may not be interested in the goal itself, but in the fear of attracting the boss's criticism. And whoever fights at the children's birthday party may not do this to rejoice over bright children's eyes, but for fear of being behind the other mothers.

Perfectionism and fear of rejection

In fact, this is a common motive, especially among women: to be perfect, to please and to be liked, Delivering less than the optimum would be fraught with the danger of being rejected, less protected and respected, and therefore extremely shy and, above all, ashamed. All the more so for people whose self-esteem strongly depends on how others perceive them or how they believe others perceive them. Because there is often a distortion here.

Perfectionists themselves often judge their fellow human beings much less strictly than they think others think about them. They tolerate when they have less demanding goals, sometimes make mistakes, and still refer to them as valuable. To become aware of these dual standards is a first step toward becoming kinder to oneself. "Why can not you, for example, even leave a slightly flawed product?" Says the psychologist. So, more often, "Something is good enough" instead of "I'm not good enough".

In our performance culture, this demands us all: "We urgently need a social debate about the concept of failure, the mistake, the human, instead of always optimizing everything." At the same time, de-suppression and anger are by no means taboo, if something does not work out. Such feelings are also felt by positive perfectionists, but they overcome them faster and perhaps even spur them on.

Positive things taken for granted

But there are also differences in how healthy and unhealthy perfectionists deal with success. "Again, this is true not only for individuals, but for many areas of society: We neglect the positive value proposition"Everything is critical, we see quickly and superficially, but the positive is accepted as a matter of course." So why not knock more often on the back of your own shoulder? that has proven to be healthier Also important for those who put pressure on their job with their perfectionism: to broaden the focus and to see what works well in other areas of life, and all perfectionists need quiet islands where everything really is can be no problem.

This protects children from unhealthy perfectionism

But do not we have to go to the root of the problem? That lies? How should it be different ? in our childhood and in how our parents dealt with our successes and our failures. "It is not necessarily necessary to get to the bottom of it, and the difficulties that arise today can be addressed by dealing with your own thoughts and actions, through exercises that support them, and mindfulness training make up for it, "says the expert.

With our own children, however, we have the chance to prevent unhealthy perfectionism from the outset, How to do that? At least not in which one spares the topic. "I think it's absurd to downplay good performance, because it's central to doing things well and right," says Christine Altsto? Tter-Gleich. One should support pride and joy, but if something does not work, it is just as important to include that feeling as well, and many parents tend to say, "Do not be so bad, do not get worked up." "It would be better to comfort the child and support his self-efficacy by jointly considering what can be learned from it." This is how the child experiences: One likes and sees me, even if I do something wrong.

The psychologist is clear that parents can not be perfect in this: "Of course they can sometimes be grossly angry with their child, but what speaks against going after and explaining themselves briefly "To present oneself as flawed shows that even with weaknesses and failures the world does not go down." And that is precisely the switch that steers perfectionism into healthy paths.

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