Money stress in the relationship? It's always about power!
What is this about?
Why do we quarrel about the money so often in the relationship? And what is it really about? The psychologist Rolf Haubl from the Sigmund Freud Institute in Frankfurt am Main has answers.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Money is the Number One Primer in Partnerships. Are men and women so different when it comes to money?
Rolf HaublOur studies show that men and women actually have different monetary styles. For men, money is an external yardstick for career success and personal value. They combine influence and power, women's security and independence.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Is not that a cliché?
Rolf Haubl: We all tend to live in stereotypes. Women like to live in the stereotype that relationships are more important than anything else. Money and economics sometimes seem like something that can endanger the relationship. That is why women often hide finances in love. In men it is the other way around. Money is the relationship topic for them. They want to create a framework in which love can unfold. When these settings collide, there are conflicts. What he does in his eyes to sustain the relationship seems to her as something that endangers her.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Do Different Money Styles Attract?
Rolf Haubl: It is rather rare that two tick the same. The classic is that spendthrift and miser find each other. However, most couples do not realize that these are not real qualities. They are just so true and push each other in these roles. The miser needs the spendthrift to share in the ranting about the waste. The spendthrift needs the miser to ground himself in the discussions. This creates a dynamic that brings both together.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Is there no more constructive way?
Rolf Haubl: Yes, if the miser can confess to himself and his partner that he admires him and feels a lack in himself, namely, that he can not afford anything. And the one who throws the money out of the window must admit to himself and the partner that in the stinginess there is a moment of order and security thinking that is valuable and important. Women who earn more than their husbands often report devaluations and taunts by their partner.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Why is a better-off woman obviously a provocation?
Rolf Haubl: Even enlightened, modern couples trying out a new role model often get into a crisis because old stereotypes are more powerful in them than they realize. Suddenly they realize that they think emancipated but feel antiquated. In our materialistic culture, it makes sense to make money a measure of one's own value. People for whom monetary value is equal to self-esteem have a particular problem with it, when the partner earns more. And traditionally these are the men.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Could not it be relaxing for the man if he no longer has to play the role of provider?
Rolf Haubl: That's fine, as long as the woman is satisfied in her job. If the work stress gets worse or if she does not get on with her job, her gaze changes to the partner who is sitting at home, perhaps taking care of the household, children and free time and making herself a lame girl in her eyes. He lives exactly what she misses. In addition, women who earn a lot more have turned money into an important standard of value. The respect for a man who earns little or nothing, then goes into the cellar.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Why can not so few couples talk about money objectively and relaxed?
Rolf HaublBecause in reality it's never about money. It's about power, control, fears and recognition. In the dispute over how the household income is distributed and what one spends money on, a fight for recognition is carried out. And since everyone brings his own life story and experiences from childhood, couples unconsciously deal with the financial conflicts of their families of origin. Therefore, the idea that both sit down like two merchants and coolly plan, naive. That does not even work for the Buddenbrocks.
INFO: Dr. Rolf Haubl is Professor of Sociology and Psychoanalytic Social Psychology at the University of Frankfurt and Director of the Sigmund Freud Institute in Frankfurt am Main. He has spent years researching the psychodynamic processes of money and possessions.
