How I managed to have a happy relationship
I always used to think that my life was a bit like Sex and the City. Men are only the ones we have fun with. Relationships fail? and that's okay. Would not it be boring if everything was always harmonious?
The older I get, the clearer it gets to me: No, actually it would be quite nice, if a man would be at my side for more than a year. But somehow it does not work? all my relationships, whether with the classmate, the guy from the university radio or, later, the lawyer from the bar, will end sooner or later with a loud door-bang.
What have all their failed relationships in common ?, the therapist from Sex and the City has asked the main character Carrie Bradshaw in a sequel, also after a failed relationship. Your answer:? You !? Can that be correct? I consider. I think of the tense arguments, the reproaches, the disappointments that come up in the memories of past partners. Can it be that I am the reason why all my relationships break up later?
The child is still part of us
Quite spontaneously I search for guidebook books. "The child in you has to find a home? by Stefanie Stahl has been at the top of the bestseller list for nearly two years. I even find an online course online. I log in and try to get involved.
Stefanie Stahl's statement is simple: the child, the human being we were when we were little? is still a part of us. Even if we are already grown up and can understand things on other levels, it always comes to light. For most of us, there are certain situations that keep recurring and putting us in this child state. Being excluded, being rejected, not being good enough. Reason for this are inner beliefs that we carry in us since childhood. These are assumptions about ourselves, about others and about the world, which are deeply rooted in us. We have learned them quasi thinking and therefore we never question them? or rarely? deliberately.
"You are not one of them" was one of my beliefs
I am thinking of a situation when I was on vacation with my friend's family. They wanted a family photo and my friend asked me to take the picture. I was completely beside myself, later accusing my friend that he did not want me in the picture, that he did not love me enough. The dispute escalated and I left earlier from vacation. When I go back to my inner child, I think of a very similar situation. My father, who had a new wife and more children after leaving my mother, hung up a photo in his office, I was not into it. "You are not one of them?" When I say the phrase, tears well up in my eyes.
Stefanie Stahl takes me further and further into my inner child with explanations, worksheets and even meditations. I encounter myself, as I used to, with all the injuries I've experienced over the course of my life. When she takes control and is recognized in time, when the adult self intervenes and says, "I understand why you want to react like that, but now you're grown-up," she calls it patting and switching. I also discover many good beliefs, "I am an enrichment to this world", the inner child not only has shade, but also a sunny side.
Not everyone means bad with me
At the end of the course I realize: Yes, I was a big part of the problem in my previous relationships. Not only with men, but also with friends or colleagues. Not everyone who forgets my birthday wants to marginalize me. Sometimes I can assume that people mean well to me. Sure, time and again I get into the situation in which my collar bursts or in the tears suddenly come into my eyes and I do not know why. But more and more I catch myself, look friendly smiling at the Mini-Me in me and say: It's okay, do not be so upset.
For several months I am with a new man. We met at a birthday party. From time to time, my old patterns come up, and in the first month I was eagerly busy with a furious text message when he had me put up with his friends for an evening. But then I calmed down, caught myself, and put the phone away before I sent? could push. When I was on my way to bed he wrote to me if he could spontaneously come by. We fell asleep harmoniously. "I could not help wondering: Is too much harmony boring?" Carrie Bradshaw would probably now write in her column. No, I think. It is quite fabulous.
* Name changed by editor
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