Parents are too scared!
"The problem is that children even feel the parents' fears and then take over them"
Dr. Wolfgang Schmidbauer, 65, psychologist, Munich
I like the dossier well - there is something essential said here. Only: remedy is difficult because children feel the fears of the parents and take them over. Fearful parents scare children, scared children cling to their parents. There are many causes, and they go deep: 1. We have much more to lose than before - especially in terms of material security. 2. There are far fewer children in the life of a "normal" adult, so each one becomes infinitely precious. 3. Nobody has to endure more separation fears. Everyone has a cell phone or, in other words, a remote control. 4. The media stimulates many fears we would not otherwise encounter. How many times have I cut myself as a child, the mother has scolded and stuck a plaster on it, later one was proud of the scars. At the age of 16 I was in Italy with the moped and tent with my two year older brother for 14 days, we never called home. Unthinkable today. I've always stuck to the idea that little fears have to be overcome - children's and parents'. But who protects the parents from pedagogical and psychological perfectionism, the most important source of our fears?
"How long may a 15-year-old move around the houses in the evening?"
Dr. Ursula von der Leyen, 48, Federal Minister of Family Affairs, Berlin
Fear, or rather concern for the children probably accompanies all parents. We want to protect and protect her. That's good. But at the same time, parents need to learn to give children more freedom. The degree between take care and "pack in cotton" is narrow. It is the small decisions of everyday life, where parents rub us with the children. Can our six-year-old go by bike alone to a friend? How long may the 15-year-old move around the houses in the evening? The inner urge not to give in to the requests of the children out of over-caution, I know only too well. What is healthy caution, when is a clear no? Children need free space where they can test their limits. Every kindergartner climbs a tree that is too high and realizes that it is hard to come down again. Children learn only through experience to correctly assess risks and their strengths. Caution is as important as the courage to try more and more. All of my children got a lot of bruising while climbing and practiced balance and skill. One has broken his arm, another has suffered a laceration. Of course, I blamed myself for not paying attention at the moment, but today I think: thank God, nothing worse has happened. I keep in mind how many times it has gone well and that the children have learned a bit of independence. But they are constantly negotiating. I have learned by now that it is best for both sides to make precise arrangements in peace. You have to adhere to it, but we can not break our promises when it does not fit. It gives parents confidence in the child, but it is also very clear where there are limits that can not be exceeded. Of course, I know that trust can be disappointed too. But it is worth taking the risk. Only in this way can the children learn to assess dangers, to develop skills and to be strong. Today I am more generous than 18 years ago as a young mother.
"It is primarily the late-bearers who crush their children with their care"
Sandra Maahn, 38, N3 presenter, Hamburg
I sincerely hope that as many parents and especially mothers read this dossier. In my experience, unfortunately, it is primarily women, and especially so-called late-bearers, who are almost overwhelming their children with worry, and I myself have had my first child at the age of 24, largely refraining from reading the relevant counseling reading In my experience children have very subtle sensors for what they can trust themselves, at least if one takes the time to thoroughly discuss possible dangers and the way out of a difficult situation Having the courage to trust one's children to become self-reliant has, at least for me, a very selfish side effect: I am always immensely proud of my great, independent and self-confident children, so, dear mothers, dare!
"The described parents' fears I can only understand very difficult"
Dr. Remo Largo, 63, pediatrician and non-fiction author, Zurich
It is very unlikely that a child will fall off the tree and be seriously injured, and statistics show that, for example, road traffic has become increasingly safe in recent decades. I can only speculate that behind such exaggerated fear of concrete risks is a very different, diffuse fear: the existential concern for the future in the form of our children. Over the past ten to twenty years, a major loss of security has taken place in our societies, which has led to massive insecurity. The general existential anxiety shows, among other things, that today's parents are the biggest concerns about the school success and career opportunities of their children: In Zurich, for example, take 60 percent of all primary school students in private or public support activities! How much the parents project their own general fears on the children depends largely on the parent-child relationship: the stronger and more reliable their emotional attachment to the child is, the more confident they are in their abilities and more independent of the child to develop.
"Look at the schoolyards - the violence that prevails there was not there 20 years ago"
Julia Onken, 63, graduate psychologist and author, Romanshorn
So I find it only too understandable that parents are anxious and sometimes over-anxious. After all, this overprotection also has an advantage: it finally shows that parents today are not indifferent that they care. But it is also clear that this anxiety of the parents is transferred to their children, and therefore you have to think with parents together: Does this fear help our child actually? And how do we deal with her? Parents need to understand that insecurity is a fundamental problem for people and that they are simply unable to eliminate it.
"I think parents were always afraid for their children"
Renate Schmidt, 63, Federal Minister for Family Affairs, Senior Citizens, Women and Youth a. D., Berlin
But in my eyes, parents are giving too much to this fear today. They try to keep children safe, and you can not. One should not, however, persuade parents of guilty conscience. The moment you love a person, you are also afraid for him. My worst nightmares were that my kids fell off high towers and the like. As a believer, I still pray regularly, even though they have grown up long ago, because nothing happens to them. But I let them do what they think necessary. Children are a bit of chaos, and this chaos must be allowed as well as fear.
"The children are the arrow and we only the bow that shoots them out into the world"
Veronica Ferres, 40, actress and patron of "Power-Child eV", Munich
I see it as the biggest challenge for parents not to project their own fears on the children. When parents do so, they put a big burden on their children. The prophet Khalil Gibran formulated very nicely the principle of letting go: the children are the arrow, we parents the bow that shoots this arrow out into the world. The world has become more dangerous and we can not help protecting our children better. But this must be done in a sensitive way, not by exercising fearful control. I have to make it clear to my child early on that no one is allowed to cross his borders. I need to alert you to dangerous situations and teach him to say "no". But this must happen with an openness that strengthens and does not weaken the child.
"Parents must work from the beginning to become superfluous"
Gerlinde Unverzagt, 45, author and journalist (wrote under the pseudonym "Das Lehrerhasser-Buch"), Berlin I remember the situation exactly when my then four-year-old son disappeared into the Tiergarten. Two hours I ran through the park to look for him. When I arrived home completely hysterically to call the police, he was at the door - because he had not found us again, he had done the obvious and he had gone home alone. At that time, I thought: He's only four and a lot more reasonable than you. I'm glad I always had to spread my fears to four children. Since you can not take care of everything, but must also have the children sometimes: send the daughter alone by bike to school, let the son cut vegetables with a sharp knife. When I was scared, I always let my kids know, but also told them that this fear is my thing. Because I think that you have to do things for your children, that you have to support them and that you have to know where your own feelings stop and what the child's wishes are, because children want to do everything on their own. I've come to realize that the love story you have with a child is fundamentally different from an adult's: it's automatically over sometime. Parents need to work from the beginning to become superfluous and abolish themselves.
