"Well done!" So you get enough recognition
The boss came from Swabia, and sometimes, when someone pointed out that this or that employee had earned more recognition for their performance, the boss said: "Net gschompfa isch globt gnuag."
But that was okay, because she jokingly said, she knew that recognition is the breath of air that needs every human relationship to life, whether at home or at work. She distributed her appreciation rather casually, in unexpected moments. Only the explicit praise was not her. She did not call one and said, "You did well." No. Not to mention salary increases. Instead she poked her head through the door and said to the colleague who had written something about women's shelters, "Your text kept me awake half the night." She told the travel editor, "Because of your Italy special, we're going to Tuscany." It always sounded a bit gruff, ill-tempered, but it made you feel accepted.
It is important to distinguish between praise and recognition, then it becomes clear why we often feel that we do not get what we deserve when it comes to recognition.
Praise is quick to pronounce, at the evening table or in the feedback conversation ("Did you cook well," "The department did a great job"), but true recognition is harder to make. Because she has to touch us inside. "Of course, the boundaries are fluid, but praise is fundamentally different. Praise always comes a bit from above. "You have done well" also means "I can judge that", so there is always a small gross self-exaltation hidden in it. Recognition, on the other hand, is always an ego message: "That tastes really good to me" expresses more appreciation than "That's what you cooked great", because it tells us what we have triggered in another person. For some time, "self-efficacy" has been a favorite term in psychological research and practice, more specifically, "self-efficacy".
What we mean is our trust that we are not helpless at the mercy of the world that matters what we do. The greater the self-efficacy expectancy, the more stable the psyche. Or, in the words of the American psychologist Nathaniel Branden, self-efficacy pioneer: "Anyone who does not have a strong sense of their own identity, competence and value has bad cards in turbulent times." And that's the way recognition works, that's why it's so important: I'm part of the world, and others are signaling that I can do something good in them, in this world.
But there are also professionals who say that we are too dependent on the recognition of others and that the recognition we pay for ourselves is much more valuable.
Author Heinz-Peter Röhr, who has long worked psychotherapeutically in addiction counseling, even compares external recognition with a drug: "You need an ever-increasing dose come in. Recognition that comes from outside makes you a slave to the expectations and demands of others. "
Hard words, but you can understand the phenomenon with an example: If you upload a holiday photo on Facebook and 27 times a "Like" gets for it, then it is not enough if you get the next holiday photo only 13 "thumbs up" , The second picture suddenly does not quite like itself. The most beautiful was this picture in the moment when you saw it all alone for the first time and thought: Oh, that has become nice.
To be able to acknowledge myself, I have to rely on my self-efficacy
Psychology distinguishes between "explicit" and "implicit" self-confidence, in other words: external and internal self-confidence. Recognizing our successes on Facebook, at work, at sports, or at the party, pays off self-confidence and can never get enough of it. The recognition we give ourselves, on the other hand, strengthens our inner self-confidence, the reserve of strength and confidence with which we pass through life. We can only charge them ourselves, but their energy lasts longer. It sounds a bit like the same refrain: love yourself, and it does not matter who you marry / what the others say / you're broke. But it's not that primitive, because all of this is wonderfully related: to be able to acknowledge myself, I have to trust my self-efficacy, and in order to be able to rely on my self-efficacy, I also need honest, credible recognition from others ,
The only question left is: how do we get this deep recognition that we all consume?
A good start would be the old how-to-in-the-forest thing: people who complain to others damage their own self-esteem.But those who recognize the accomplishments of others are happier with themselves. There are scientific studies on the subject, but Paul McCartney thought it was nicer, in the last song the Beatles recorded, "The End": "And in the end of love you take care of the love you make. " Or, the recognition you give others is the same as the one you give back.
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