Family
April 26, 2024

"We are only together because of the children"

As long as I can remember, I have the image of a happy mother-father-child family in mind. That's how I grew up: teacher, mother, housewife, house, garden, brother and sister. My parents are still married, happy all in all. So I wanted - and want - for me and my own family. But slowly I have to face the fact that maybe I chose the wrong man for it. And Alex is the wrong woman for the life that would make him happy.

Only: Is not that the problem of Alex and me? Is not it our job as responsible adults to get on with family life? I can not say to my sons: Sorry, boys, dad and I are too stupid to be good parents together, so you are now divorcing children with two apartments, weekend and vacation arrangements and a crack in life. Or?

In the beginning we were very much in love. Everything was right. We lived in Berlin, went out a lot and left as often as possible. We moved into a nice, big, cheap apartment. Sometimes we talked about children, Alex also wanted some, but that was far away.

When I discovered that I was pregnant, we had been together for four years and were in the middle of moving to Frankfurt, where Alex had accepted a new job. The child was unplanned - I had just miscalculated. Although the pregnancy came at a stupid time (I did not have a new job in Frankfurt yet), but: I was happy! I was in my early thirties and we had a great relationship. In Frankfurt, Alex was constantly on the road, and I was sitting in our dark flat between unpacked boxes that did not want to be less. I was not happy, but I did not allow myself negative thoughts. Soon we would be the family I had always wanted.

The birth of the son was the beginning of the end

As dramatic as it sounds, the birth of our son Marius * was the beginning of the end of our relationship. Alex * had looked forward to it, nothing indicated how he would change as a father. Marius cried a lot and slept little.

It was all too much for me, but Alex did not realize the new situation at all. He kept talking about sleep deprivation. He could not bear Marius' weeping. Once, my neighbor asked me what the night had been for a screaming and clattering in our apartment - it was Alex who had moaned his own head against the wall again and again. I howled at my parents' phone without complaining too much about Alex. And told me that, what my mother always said to comfort me: that's normal, we're young parents, everything will be better, if Marius is just a little bit bigger.

It did not get better. I just got used to the situation. Alex's fatigue remained. He slept in the dolls at the weekend, while I got up at six o'clock with our son. We did not do anything anymore. He was in no mood and always in a bad mood. When I sought closeness, he withdrew. When I wanted to talk about our situation, he snapped at me: "Now I get to hear again that I am the disgust and you the angel." We argued more than we spoke normally. He also often snorted at Marius. He seemed to get used to it just like me.

"Of course, I often wonder if the boys and I would not be happier without my husband and he without us."

My best friend recently asked me how, in heaven's name, we could have a second child in this situation. Even a planned one. It was not to save our marriage (we had married in the meantime). But because I always wanted to have more children.

I had already realized that we did not have a great relationship. But my wish to have children was so strong that I closed my eyes. Strangely enough, Alex also came up with the idea of the second child. An only child seemed strange to us both. That's why we started sleeping again. I told myself that we were finally on the mend.

As soon as I was pregnant, Alex would always find excuses, if only I stretched out my little finger: too tired, too broken, no fancy. Well, the latter was not exactly an excuse. He had - and has - no more desire for me. And if there is no physical closeness at all, no hugs, no stroking, not a single, more intimate kiss, the desire for the other will eventually disappear by itself. Even with me.

We do not really have anything in common anymore

Since our second son Titus was born, Alex and I have nothing in common anymore. Except irritant issues and two children. Titus is now two, Marius nearly six.I've learned to stop talking about what bothers me to avoid quarreling. At the weekend I do things alone with the kids, Alex is sleeping.

I take it that the man in my life is almost always annoyed. But of course I would rather have one with whom I talk about everything, laugh and can experience beautiful things. And for my children I wish a loving, patient and attentive father.

Of course, I keep asking myself if the boys and I would not be better off without him. If Alex and I would not be happier without each other. Surely he finds life as frustrating with me as I do with him. I imagine he would enjoy the kids even more if he did not keep them around. I can not ask him questions. Then he immediately becomes aggressive. Lately, he often says in the dispute: "Then I'll just take a small apartment for myself." And more and more often I think: Yes! Do that!

It may be that a separation would be the best solution for our family. I'm not even afraid of being alone. But I just can not imagine that that will happen to us.

I have no role models for this model: my parents are happily married, my brother too, as well as all my close friends. If I were to take the stability of a family to my children, it would seem to me that I abandon them. I owe them a real home. Especially boys need a dad who is not there every other weekend. And I want to show them so much that it's worthwhile to spend a life together.

That's why I hope we can do it together. At least until the kids are big - as stupid as that sounds. Until then they should be able to rely on us as a secure unit. If we break up in the mid-fifties, Alex and I still have the chance to be happy in separate ways. Until then, we must make our life together bearable for all.

* All names changed