The jump alone into the new life
What do you want here? ", She asked her husband in a grumpy tone, when he came home from a business trip a day earlier than expected.Martina Grundmann * flinched inwardly, did she really say that she actually found it so unbearable The answer was surprisingly simple: yes, her husband was appalled, packed his bags and moved into a hotel, at which point the 51-year-old realized that her marriage was finally over after 24 years ,
For a long time she had the feeling that she was suffocating in the relationship, had always tried to talk to him about it. But in vain. Her husband blocked every "problem talk" from the beginning. And now he no longer understood the world. They had always been the model couple: marriage in their mid-twenties, three children, both spouses working, sharing work at home. Pure harmony.
No change can be too late
But after 20 years of marriage, their lives began to change: one after the other, the children moved out, and Martina Grundmann took a job as an IT trainer after years of freelance work. She was back home regularly in the evening. Her husband thought that was wonderful. But not her. His greatest happiness was sitting in front of the TV with her. At some point she just wanted to get out. "I was wondering what is left of the common substance" - and she was shocked to discover that "there was nothing left".
For four years she was tormented. In the end, the yearning to rediscover oneself and life was stronger than the pain of leaving her husband and the fear of being alone.
Every third marriage in Germany ends before the divorce judge - this statistic is not new. New, however: more and more marriages break up shortly before or after the silver wedding. The number of divorces has increased by 70 percent among older couples over the past seven years. Old love just rusts. And most of the women are women who do not accept that.
Women do not come to terms with compromises.
"Men often come to terms with an unfulfilled marriage," says Dr. Insa Fooken, psychology professor at the University of Siegen. "Women on the other hand want clear conditions." It has changed a lot. Divorce was still taboo for our mothers. Once complained about her marriage, it was not uncommon to say, "He's not drinking, he's not beating you, what more do you want?" Today, women are not that frugal anymore: they refuse to persist in pitiful compromises.
"I was a wife, trainer and mother, but I did not know who I was," says Martina Grundmann. The decision to divorce, she has not regretted a second. Although it was terrible to clean up the family home alone and dispose of 24 years together. Also, that her youngest daughter to the separation panicked and stunned responded and feared that the family would dissolve completely, burdened her enormously.
And yet Martina Grundmann is happy today about her new life without the husband. "I hold the helm in my hand now and let myself be surprised by myself." When people venture out of an unhappy marriage after many years, there can be many reasons. Psychologist Insa Fooken interviewed 122 divorce couples who had been married for an average of 25 years, and found that there are typical triggers for a late separation: when the children go out and the couple are thrown back on themselves. When one gets unemployed or retires and is suddenly at home around the clock. If one partner develops, the other remains in the old channel. And when couples can only admit after years that they have lived all the time in an illusion of community and denied incompatibilities.
Being alone after divorce and separation
Katja Schmidt separated after 22 years. Without breach of trust, without scandal, without major shock. The 50-year-old product manager and her husband Thomas were a well-rehearsed team. They had a nice apartment, lived without financial worries and felt in their shared circle of friends. The end came creeping, unnoticed by both. "I did not even notice him as a woman, he lovingly cooked me, but I did not have any eroticism." At parties, her husband was charming, sparkling, facing. As soon as they were home alone, there was nothing left of it. For a long time she thought it was up to her. Because she is not great enough to be desired, she deserves nothing better. Thoughts she finds absurd today. When she first thought about separation, she felt panic. "I was terrified to be alone." But all attempts to talk about what she missed in her partnership failed. "Everything was fine for Thomas.He was missing nothing. "
The Hamburg couple therapist Michael Cöllen encounters daily in his practice husbands who do not understand why their wives are dissatisfied and withdraw from them: "They are often completely surprised when the partner confronted her with their dissatisfaction." Many find the way to counseling only if the woman was already at the lawyer. "
Men are often surprised.
Also Katja Schmidt has arranged again and again. Ten years passed before she dared to draw the line. The trigger was a job offer in another city. Although her husband and her team had decided to make a fresh start, but while moving to her like a vitamin shot, he found everything terrible. He initially had no job and let her feel his bad mood every day. "It went really well for me," says Katja Schmidt. "For the first time, besides the job, I found time to engage with myself, attend seminars, travel, and evolve." Because she no longer had the desire to justify herself to her husband for every workshop and every new skirt, she finally demanded separate accounts and prevailed - against his resistance. A liberation strike. At last she could say, "It's my money, and I do what I want with it." Before, she had always felt controlled.
Can I find a partner again?
Katja Schmidt has been divorced from her husband for a year - and he does not miss her. Just like Martina Grundmann she is always happy about her courage and is proud that she now masters her life alone. "Nobody is talking to me anymore and that feels really good."
At first there was the occasional fear of never again finding a partner to live alone forever. But at some point she realized that these thoughts led her to a dead end and "since then they have disappeared".
For many women, the concern about money is more difficult: most women still earn less than their husbands. And especially women who have given up their jobs because of the family, fear - often right - to stand in a divorce bad. Maren Köhler had to start after the separation from her husband Klaus at zero. When her first daughter was born, she had quit her job as a bank clerk. That she would eventually stand alone with three children and would have to fight for a job, she would never have dreamed. "I thought we were the ideal couple: I was the head person, he the emotional, I was the pragmatic, he the artist, we complemented each other wonderfully." For 22 years, Maren Köhler believed her relationship to be intimate and stable, even when the third child was seriously handicapped. "But apparently we did not pack it as well as I thought."
When the eldest daughter was twelve, it turned out that her husband had had a lover for months. "I felt horrible." As if in a trance, she went through her everyday life for the next few months. He affirmed that he loved her over everything, with one caveat: there had to be a small room for the other woman. "He wanted the family as a safe haven and just a cherry on top." Maren Köhler was stunned. The thought that he met regularly with his lover in the studio, she finished - they had never talked about free love. And all the time, she had to listen to the other being working and interesting and building up her self-confidence, which was allegedly suffered through the disability of the youngest child.
Meeting in court
Three times they visited a couple counseling. Without a result. It followed a tormenting year full of back and forth: The beloved broke up, he wanted to stay with Maren, asserted that he had chosen the family. And then he met with the lover again. On Christmas Eve, he told Maren of his biggest wish "that we women will even become best friends." She felt a tremendous rage. And it was fine like that. Finally she had the strength to put him out the door. And yet: "To process the separation, I found harder than accepting my disabled child." Her husband paid maintenance, but unreliable. To claim the money, she found degrading. She wanted to stand on her own - even at work. Her old employer, however, waved politely. She was out of the banking business too long.
After some job changes, she finally came to her dream job as a publishing secretary through a holiday agency - she was 55. "I suddenly knew exactly what I wanted, and I fought like a lioness," says Maren Köhler. She is proud that she is financially on her own. And that she can talk quietly with her husband today when she meets him on the birthdays of the children, too. Because now she knows that it was right to dare the jump: "I have a wonderful circle of friends, I'm much more open than before, make my life the way I enjoy it and I can afford it," she says. "And that makes me incredibly satisfied."
* Changed names of married couples
The current law on separation and divorce
Since 1 January 2008, the much-discussed law is in force.His central idea: Everyone is responsible for themselves. And: Married and unmarried couples are treated the same. Here are the most important changes
Maintenance is no longer self-evident After the third birthday of the youngest child, childcare must be paid only if it equals "equity". In other words, no one can predict whether and how long a court will grant maintenance to the ex-partner. Even after a long marriage, a woman must take on any work that corresponds to her education. For example, in case of doubt, it is reasonable for a divorced wife to work as a secretary again, if that is her learned profession. Their salary is then considered to be sufficient, adequate livelihood - even if their standard of living is below that which they had in marriage. However, those who can prove that he would have come much further professionally if he had remained single, can demand compensation through maintenance. This also applies to very long marriages. Particular consideration must be given to the extent to which marriage has affected the possibility of providing for one's own maintenance. For example, if the couple deliberately opted for a bipartition - one to take care of the family, the other for the money. In this case, the legislator recommends that the maintenance claim be "gradually reduced". Those who have broken off their vocational training during the marriage can demand maintenance for training, further education or retraining.
Children have priority If the ex-partner has since founded a new family, first and foremost, the underage children receive financial support, regardless of whether they come from the new or the old relationship. Then only the partners and ex-partners. This also applies if a marriage contract was concluded, but the money is not enough.
Pension entitlements are shared directly As before, in a divorce, the pension entitlements acquired during marriage are halved. Only the procedure has changed: Previously, the claims were compensated for by highly complicated calculations. In addition, they could only be claimed if both divorced were retired. Today, all supplies in the respective system are separated and divided in half. The ex-partners now receive the money directly from the pension provider - in the case of a company pension from an account that had to be set up by the company during the divorce. The pension, for example to the woman, then has to be paid for a lifetime, even if she survives her ex-husband for many years.
Interview: "Women are more determined and radical in love"
Why do couples, despite many years together, find it so difficult to master the challenges of a long marriage? ChroniquesDuVasteMonde-Woman colleague Birgit Schönberger talked to the Hamburg psychologist and couple therapist Michael Cöllen
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: Women who have separated after 20 or 30 years of marriage often report that their husbands have fallen from the clouds. How can that be?
Michael Cöllen: It has been statistically proven that after six years of marriage, 80 percent of women are dissatisfied, compared to only 20 percent of men. This shows that women and men experience a relationship very differently. I know the case of a man who had been struck down when his 48-year-old wife silently went away with another man at a party and denied any information. Later it turned out that she had confronted him for years unsuccessfully with her marital frustration. In my practice, I also have 60-year-olds who tell their husbands: "I'm leaving you, so I do not want to go on living."
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: Why are men not fighting for love in time?
Michael Cöllen: Often they are so drained by the profession that they have no strength for the relationship ...
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: Many women are not less burdened.
Michael Cöllen: Of course, but they still preserve a certain private zone. Men often find women's expectations an additional burden - also because they have not learned to immerse themselves in the world of emotions. Many men come home, are tired, sit in front of the TV. The 50-year-old women no longer do that.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: Because they are so confident that they get their fulfillment elsewhere or part with it?
Michael Cöllen: Yes. You are also no longer willing to do all the relationship work alone. At the latest, when the children go out of the house, they stop it. They cultivate intense friendships with other women and seek their own way in their new self-esteem - regardless of the men.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: Does the rising number of late divorces also have something to do with the fact that today's generation of women has higher expectations of love?
Michael Cöllen: Definitely. The women are no longer satisfied with love for low-fat diet. They read a lot about partnership, discover their lust and want to live it.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: Divorce often happens when the life together changes. What makes it so hard to master these transitions?
Michael Cöllen: Relationships take place in phases, and about every ten years begins a new: At the beginning is the surrender phase, then the build-up phase, the midlife, and at 50, the age begins: the children go out of the house, at the same time Job often reaches the zenith. Suddenly the couple is on their own and needs to find a new direction.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: And at that point, many are drifting apart?
Michael Cöllen: When the burden of parenting is gone and job pressure subsides, many women feel like they are rediscovering themselves and their lives and become active while the men retire. For years, they have been pursuing clear goals, working on their careers, building a home that supports children, and now they are sitting alone with their wife. There are few social rules for this phase. Everything used to be governed by convention. It would be even more important today to talk to each other, because the feelings can often not be exchanged.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN: Do you observe differences in the way women and men split up after a long marriage?
Michael Cöllen: Women are more determined and radical in love. They demand more and seek the argument. They run the risk of staying alone and are even ready to embark on a social decline. Men tend to go only when they have a new partner. What is happening at the moment for women in and after mid-life is an almost silent revolution that brings huge changes to the coexistence of man and woman.
*Michael Collen is a certified psychologist and couple therapist in Hamburg (www.michaelcoellen.de). Last appeared by him "Love your partner as yourself. Paths for couples from narcissistic crises", (255 pages, 22.95 euros, Gütersloher publishing house)
