Singles and sex - joy or emotional chaos?

My girlfriend Claudia is what you call a power woman. She has a well-paid but hard-working job, two kids, and she's been living as a single for years, involuntarily. During work and at home, she pulls herself together. But when I'm jogging with her, I see how she's really doing. Often she is tired, sad, lonely. For although Claudia appreciates her life, she also lacks much. And above all: a man. A partner who supports her in everyday life, who takes her psychologically and financially responsibility. One who loves her, talks to her and laughs. And one with whom she can share all her sexual passion. Claudia is a very sensual woman. But her desire and her desire are broke, more or less, for six single years. How much Claudia misses something when she is particularly lacking, I see on her face: The corners of the mouth hang, the forehead is curled, the eyes are empty.

Recently we ran, and Claudia beamed. From the inside out, her mouth turned up, her forehead was smooth, her eyes were shiny. She was impressively beautiful that day. Animates.

"I want wild sex."

"I had sex," she laughed and hugged me. "Wild sex, I slept with a handsome man three times in a row last weekend, he tore my clothes off, we rolled on the floor and kissed without end, he kissed wonderfully." I could physically feel what Claudia had experienced. It transferred. She breathed with every pore that someone had touched her, was close to her, got under her skin. Claudia was pure life on this day. Sex is an elixir of life, I thought awed. "Is it something serious?", I wanted to know. "No," said Claudia. "He spoke to me in a bar, he's younger than me, he has a girlfriend, he wanted my mobile number, but I'm sure he's not calling, it was just a one-night stand."

Claudia saw my worried face. I bit my tongue, but Claudia knew exactly what I thought: she needs sex, sure, but she is a tender and faithful soul. Claudia can not have sex without love. But love has many faces. Maybe that was a kind of love with this man. For a couple of hours.

There was no relationship. And Claudia understands love as a relationship. Stop, duration. Claudia looked at my concerns about the tip of my nose. "Do not worry," she reassured me, "I enjoyed the sex, end up and out, what's the name Carpe diem, enjoy the day, I've changed, I can do it now."

A week later, the world looked different again. Gloomy. Nothing more with "Carpe diem". The man to whom Claudia had allegedly had no hopes had really disappeared from her life after the hot night, without any sign, without an SMS or a phone call. Claudia was devastated. The plump life the sex with this man had breathed into her had evaporated. The corners of his mouth hung again, his forehead was wrinkled, his eyes were sad. Can not women do that: sex without love?

Claudia is not the only one who always falls on her nose. Only a few women get it. Non-binding sex. Many try. Because they are alone for a long time, sooner or later they think: rather the sparrow in their hand than the dove on the roof. Dear sex with a man I can not or do not want to have a relationship with, than no sex at all. That is sensible. But maybe a head-birth.

Sex with a man is irreplaceable.

"In my practice, I only meet a few women who can separate sex and love, who even need it, who bring a man into the house and let him 'then' loosely recover," says the Hamburg behavioral therapist dr. Julia Peirano. "But most women can not drop unless they are familiar with someone, they feel emotionally and spiritually connected."

It took me a few weeks to rebuild Claudia. Her biggest grief was that she thought she had fallen in love with this man seriously and immortally. I talked my mouth fuzzily that that was not possible. After one night. I know: it is quite possible. A woman releases the binding hormone oxytocin after sex. Then she is no longer the mistress of her mind.

Even when the physique is silent, the poor soul no longer gives rest. The mind interferes, he whispers: "That was wonderful: Sex, you had to renounce that for years, one is not enough, sex with a man is simply irreplaceable, no self-gratification, nothing, just kissing. You can not kiss yourself. " The other voice can still be so loud "Carpe diem!" drown. The longing is there. For more. The pain is there. The self-pity.

I do not think that's unusual. If something was good, the human wants more.This is an anthropological basic constant. And having sex means being intimate. Sex is different than shaking hands. A woman lets a man "get in", that's an intimate venture. Some women think they should be cool in that respect, even though they are not. "I'll get what I need," a colleague told me who could barely understand why a woman lives without sex. Greedy men exist on every street corner.

I once met a man with whom I had a one-night stand months later at the bakery. He bought a roll. He nodded to me kindly, I greeted back. I was ashamed. I thought, he was in you. I thought the idea disgusting. I'm really not stuck.

But how do you help yourself if you live alone for years? If you are looking for sex, for physicality? Is masturbation the solution? Or should one "eat" an apple instead? "Erotic is the magic word," says therapist Julia Peirano. "It is precisely because women are so sensitive and can and want to experience physicality holistically that they have an amazing range of possibilities."

Regular massages for example. Or dance, tango, this is the royal road against physical loneliness. "In addition, it is important to be in social contact with men regardless of erotic feelings," recommends Julia Peirano. "Someone who goes to the movies with her, one who mows her lawn, one who tells her how great she is, a worshiper, a woman needs male energy in her life, a platonic harem."

There has to be communication, appreciation, respect.

And if you want to have sex before you meet the man with whom a relationship is possible? After all, that can take a while. Under what conditions can sex without love, an affair, succeed?

Julia Peirano: "A clever woman has to recognize at some point whether she can endure an affair or not, sometimes sex, without a conventional relationship, without a claim to loyalty, with no future prospects." Casual sex, casual sex, that's what it is called. If a woman does not do that emotionally she should better keep her hands off it. "

If the willingness and the courage to do so, but it requires a certain frame, liabilities, appointments with the man. He can not just disappear after a get-together, let nothing be heard, then suddenly stand outside the door again. That is unbearable. "There has to be communication, appreciation, respect," says Julia Peirano. "This includes a birthday greeting as well as a phone call." Human behavior. "

Claudia has already tried that too. A "binding" affair with communication and niceties with a married man who was short on his marriage and whose wife was annoyed by his strong libido and therefore even allowed him to seek sexual pleasure outside of marriage. It worked for a while. But then Claudia fell in love, even more violently than after the one-night stand with the beautiful man. "We had made out, no love, no relationship, only sex, but with net and double bottom, it did not help, I'm the lover who loves," says Claudia ironically. Also this form of sex without relationship went into the rush.

Singles and sex - know what you want

The "beautiful man" returned to Claudia half a year later. He was free, wanted to see her again. A chance for sex with him, possibly including relationship. Claudia did not agree. She says, "I suffered a lot after just diving away, I've avoided such men since then, I know what I need now, before I go to bed with a man, I want to know him, talk to him, eat with him and drink, go for a walk, and he should know me, the Bible says, 'Adam knew his wife.' That means: He slept with her, that's the dimension of sex that I want and that I can. "