Separation: The ex with his new
It happened, of all things, in her new favorite café. Lea had never wanted to see them together. "Save me that sight," she had told him, "and do not mess with her in any of the places you've been with me before." In this café with its Art Nouveau ceiling, secretive corners and huge mirrors on the walls, Lea had never been to Conrad. Probably one more reason why she felt so comfortable right now, why she was here regularly. There were no memories. Neither painful nor beautiful. That she just had to watch her husband tenderly kiss someone else's fingers made her feel like hell. She did not escape him, her greatest grief.
I should have leftImmediately, when the two came in the door, Lea thought. But then she would have somehow passed them by, and it would have looked like flight - miserable, awkward, undignified. So she had remained seated, trying to keep reading in her book. It did not work.
Almost compulsively, her eyes wandered to the wall mirror in the cornerin which she could observe unnoticed what was going on behind her back. How in love the two worked. They had sat down next to each other, as if a tabletop meant too much separation for them. In front of them two large milk coffee bowls and in between a plate of apple pie with whipped cream. Conrad hated cream. But now he let himself be fed by the other like a hungry bird.
Do you swallow everything she offers you?Lea thought, feeling tears come to her. Do not Cry! What if Conrad suddenly looks and realizes that the woman who rummages in her pocket for pace is his own. The one he's still married to, the one he has a 15-year-old daughter with - the one he no longer loves.
When did she start - this fear? A year ago, two years ago or much earlier? Lea did not know anymore. In the beginning it was probably just a vague feeling that something was wrong. Conrad was often depressed, absent-minded, unapproachable. "What do you have?" She asked. "Nothing," he said. She left him. He did not drill further, put it to work. Conrad was in the police, working on the homicide squad. There were cases he did not talk about. Then he jogged along the river after work. "Meditative tracking," he called it, and sometimes he seemed to actually find the missing link in his chain of evidence.
"Did you meet someone?"Lea asked someday later. The fear had already settled in her mind. But Conrad just laughed at her: "Another woman, you're crazy!" A lie. Of course, a woman was behind it. A colleague, a detective like him. Lydia. Her name had fallen more than once lately. Casually talking, how to talk about colleagues like that. Should Lea still have to be heard?
Masha had stopped, She was only there, a child, but apparently more sensitive to nuances than her mother. "Lüüüdia", she had embarrassed her father one night while drying. "Really, I can not hear that name anymore." Lea had looked at her astonished: "What do you mean by that?" Now she was sitting there, the woman with the "stupid name," over there by the window, and Conrad kissed her with cream from her lips. Lea looked away.
He would have embarrassed me, she thought. When did he last kiss her so that everyone could see it? She had to think of the party on the occasion of his promotion to the Chief Inspector. That was two years ago. "You have a great wife," one of his colleagues had said to him in a slightly tipsy voice, and Conrad had pointedly tucked his arm around Leas waist: "Let her fingers off her!" But his laugh had sounded set.
What did the two talk about? About her baby probably, the favorite topic of all new parents. For three months and four days, her son was old now. Benedict. Name and date of birth had burned into her memory. She had heard from friends.
Her husband himself had been too cowardly. "I did not mean to hurt you," he had said. But he always said that when he did it again. Now I do not want him anymore, Lea had sworn at that time. There is no way back, now it's over!
But if she was honest, she still hoped. Sometimes more sometimes less. Let go right, that did not work. Even though the mind told her over and over again - something in her just did not want to believe that she had lost the fight. In the beginning everything had just looked like a terrible mistake. In an endless, tearful night, Conrad had confessed the whole story to her while invoking her love. "I can not live without you and Masha."
Of course, Lea had been hurt, The fact that he had just been allowed to get over this woman, who was younger than her, that was almost unbearable and had hurt her endlessly. But who loves, forgive. Who else said that? Hillary Clinton? No matter...
"We'll fix it," Lea said, "You just have to want it." And he wanted to. Wanted to put an end to this person for whom it was all but a harmless pleasure. But his promises had been just empty words, and one day the young detective superintendent was pregnant. Just because. By mistake. "Forgive me," Conrad said. But then Lea threw his suitcases at his feet.
"Get out of here, never let yourself be seen again!" Because of Masha he came over again and again. Sometimes, when Lea felt strong and good, he was allowed to stay for supper. Once he wistfully stroked the old secretary in the living room and the upholstered furniture they had bought together. "I'm a fool to give it all up." And already she flared up again, the hope that everything would be alright again. Lea's eyes wandered back to the mirror. Did you only mean the furniture then or me, you ass? She wanted to scream out the question. Once across the room. Anger was endured so much better than this terrible pain.
Had the family ever been as important to him as you? What had he heard of the time when his daughter was little? He worked at the Federal Criminal Police Office at that time, was constantly on the move, was used for personal protection of politicians and other important people. Regulated working hours? None. But he loved his job, wanted to be there, where was what was going on. Was it because of your work that we were so different? Lea wondered.
If she was honest, she'd never really cared for his job, In the beginning, she'd been almost embarrassed to tell her new boyfriend was attending police college to become a crime officer. In the meantime, she accepted his work, was even proud of him. Someone finally had to do this job. But that he was never home on time, even at night the phone rang and they also often could not plan for the weekend - she had never gotten used to it.
She had completely matched her job to the family, as a freelance translator that could be done. Conrad made no assurances. Again and again there was a dispute.
"It always includes two when a marriage breaks down"her mother-in-law once said. Cold as a dog's snout. Since then radio silence prevailed. Leah really did not have to say that she was complicit in this marriage disaster. She had not cheated on her husband. Do not you ...
How and when could we have averted the disaster? Lea wondered as her husband gently stroked the cheek of the young pale woman in the oversized sweater. He looked happy. Relaxed and cheerful for a long time. It seems you're fine, Lea thought, and again she felt the tears rise in her eyes. Why did not you feel so good with me anymore? We loved each other, did not we?
How unimpressive the other seemed. If she was at least handsome or rich, or best of all both, but so - that was almost insulting. Why just you? What had gone so wrong in her marriage that it was just this colorless mouse that could relax her husband?
"She is the love of my life"Conrad had said to her. "With her I can talk about everything, she feels what I feel." "And me, what was that for you?" Lea had screamed. "This stupid cow selfishly destroys your life and that of your family, and you call it the love of your life, are you blind?" Am I blind? Lea wondered.
"You always only see what you want to see"Conrad once said about his work. "But if you want to get to the bottom of the truth, you have to choose different angles and try to look with the eyes of others.
Lea forced herself to look again. Quite unbiased and uninvolved, like the elderly lady at the table next to her. Without anger and hate and a ready-made opinion. That had to go. Look, Lea, and say what you see now. Tenderness! In every look, in every gesture.
If it was not love, what was it? Conrad called the waiter, paid and helped the others in the coat. As he walked out, his hand rested on her shoulder. Maybe I just have to accept that he's happier with her than he was with me, Lea thought. She reached for her wallet, put a note on the table and stood up. For the first time, she had an idea of how it could become, her life. With a new perspective.
It was time to let go. And time to finally go your own way.
