Separate beds: Living together, sleeping alone

When 45-year-old Corinna and her 52-year-old companion Martin fall into their dreams at night, they rarely lie next to each other because they have separate beds - a large bedroom and an extra spare room. That other people might find it strange does not bother them at all. "We've never looked at what others think, we need the distance in our relationship, according to the motto, 'I can only stay if I can go,'" both agree.

But Corinna and Martin were not always friends of the nocturnal distance that began only seven years ago, when their son was born. "After that, we found that our sleep patterns are just too different, and it was clear to us that everyone needed their rest at night." And the sex? "He has become neither more nor less in our relationship, he is just no longer 'automatically' there. Now you have to make it clear to the other person when you feel like it."

Many couples disturb each other in their sleep: because they snore, have restless legs or get up at night. As a result, a partner often falls asleep or falls asleep, wakes up annoyed in the morning and carries the stress further into the relationship. Sex is then no longer thinkable anyway. Separate beds would be the ideal solution for many couples, right?

At least that would probably sign many sleep researchers. "A restful night's sleep in a shared bed becomes even more difficult in old age: from age 65, 40 to 50 percent of all people snore," Dr. Tilmann Müller, sleep researcher at the University of Münster.

To separate beds as a patent solution for relationships, the Hamburg psychologist and couple therapist dr. Still not Elmar Basse. "It's not always done with logic. Imagine, you calmly say to your partner, honey, I love you very much, but next to you in bed I just do not sleep well, so I would like to permanently move to another bedroom . ' Probably you would look into a rather disappointed face.The common bedroom in our society is now emotionally charged with ideas and dreams.You can not brush away with a few arguments. "

He would not demonize but separate beds. "If a couple is happy, for example, if they are very close and have good, regular sex, then the proposal to sleep in separate beds is probably not a problem, but often this reason is only advanced to increase the distance in the relationship "explains Dr. Elmar Basse.

Separate beds: beginning of the end?

This is how 30-year-old Marion felt in her ex-relationship with 35-year-old Jörg. "Jörg suddenly wanted to have a bedroom for himself, because I allegedly woke him up at night again and again." I could not live with it and it just confirmed my suspicion that he wants to reject me emotionally and physically kept longer. "

Couple therapist Elmar Basse advises you to listen carefully if you or your partner feel the desire to sleep in separate beds permanently. "It's important to see the problem as a common one, and not to confront the partner with allegations or final decisions, and there may be other options for a good night's sleep: snoring therapy, earplugs, or an emergency room for extreme nights."

However, a joint decision can also be made for separate beds - for example, to refresh the retired sex life. "Everything that is new and decided together is inspiring and good for the relationship," says Elmar Basse.

Nocturnal distance or proximity? There is no general No or Yes, just one common denominator: You have to do something for love. Because a good relationship and good sex are not sewn in the common mattress.

Sharing bed with partner or rather sleeping alone? Vote!

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And what about you? Do you enjoy being with your partner next to you, or do you need your own bed to sleep well? Was that why you had some quarrels about your relationship? Here you can vote in the community and join in the discussions!

My Husband And I Sleep In Separate Rooms (April 2024).