How calculated a separation can save the relationship! ? These couple coaches betray it
Ms. Zurhorst, Mr. Zurhorst, are you couple coaches, when did you last get a couple separated?
Wolfram: That's what we really recommend to every couple.
I beg your pardon?
Eva-Maria: We call this separation in the relationship.
Sounds complicated.
Eva-Maria: But it is relatively simple. Mostly it's like this: One clings, the other escapes. To change a relationship that does not run smoothly, first release both and press the stop button. Stop daily routines, commitments, agreements, blame. You do not have to dine together in the evening, do not sleep in the same bed, do not go to any party together, or have sex that is not fun for one.
You grant a license to ego sow?
Eva-Maria: No, but for self-responsibility. In the majority of relationships, an entanglement between the two creeps over the years, leading to set roles, subliminal power struggles, clinging and escaping. At some point, your own self disappears. Nobody ever comes to ask themselves: am I really satisfied with that? What I want? What is good for me, what is not? What am I missing? In which areas of my life do I not live the way I want it?
Me, me, me ... do not belong to a relationship two?
Wolfram: Most people in crisis think: I have to change something with my partner and it's best he changes. But it does not work.
What works?
Eva-Maria: I have to deal with myself, with my own software. With the program I learned about relationships.
Could you please explain that to an IT layman?
Eva-Maria: Our ideas of a relationship? So questions like: What do I expect from a partnership? How do I behave? ? are determined in the first three years of life, basically already in the mother's stomach. As a toddler, we inhale how people around us deal with feelings, how they live together. With these ideas, a kind of automatic software, we walk around all our lives like a Duracell bunny.
Unless the bunny runs against the wall.
Wolfram: Yes, that would be great.
Do not you serious!
Wolfram: Yes! Only if the bunny runs against the wall, it will change something. Above all, a crisis is a precious phase.
Eva-Maria: I like to say to couples who come to us: Please bury your old relationship. She is dead. You are allowed to build a new one now.
How do you know if a couple is able to change or build something new?
Eva-Maria: As long as there is no violence or something really serious in the game, like the loss of a child, you can say that most couples have the potential to come closer.
To approach or reconcile?
Eva-Maria: It's not about reconciliation. It's more about forgiving and developing together. The past so far is the result of the old programs. Now it is time to grow up emotionally and develop together to the individual needs of each individual. This is an adventure.
One writes together on a new software.
Eva-Maria: I would rather call it an update. Every couple starts with a software, and like every computer program needs an update from time to time. When you're together for ten years, the relationship is ranked 25th in the rankings. Before that comes the kids, the job, the school, the house, the garden, the parents ... And you hope the thing will go by itself , It does not do it.
How does such an update?
Eva-Maria: Often it helps to pull the plug and ask yourself a few questions? or, if it's too complicated, ask questions from people like us. Sometimes you have to play a new system. But that does not mean that you have to throw away the whole computer, that you have to divorce or divorce. It just means that you need a kind of cleanup program, a virus scanner. By the way, a breakup would not do much, because then the virus would stay yes? and hang up any subsequent relationship again.
When is literally nothing left?
Eva-Maria: If one clings as hopelessly as crazy, holds fast, endures, so is the classic victim type. One would like to say directly: Out, fast! This relationship does not do them any good.
Wolfram: Or if someone builds up any contact with himself and continues to turn stubbornly on head or analysis.
Eva-Maria: Talking about a relationship with someone like that is sort of like negotiating with a company janitor. But decisions are made at the top of the boardroom and not at the garage entrance. A person who has no contact with his feelings can say ten times: "Yes, honey, I change something." But if he does not have any contact with the management, that is, with his feelings, then of course he has no influence.
Is there a phrase that makes you want to go screaming?
Wolfram: Oh yes: that's just how it is. That's me.?
Eva-Maria: Or also:? The topic is currently not up for debate.?
Wolfram: Men are masters in this. We like to limit our emotional communication to Morse code.
And women?
Eva-Maria: Are experts in the opposite discipline, the talking of emotions.
Then we better stop here now. Thank you for the talk!
