Guilt after abortion: "I despised my body"
Themselves to blame!
Who was the woman in the mirror? I could not smile at her. What should she wear? No soot or colors. Dear black. That is how I felt. Two words in a loop loomed in my head: blame yourself. Even. Fault. Why had I believed my younger on-off friend when he whispered in my ear that night: No condom, please. I'm not coming, I promise you. I was too weak and got pregnant. Despite pill after that. I knew immediately: I can not do that.
That was two years ago. Then as now I find: Every woman has the right to decide if she can carry a pregnancy. She has to give both the body and the whole life! I did not have any roots myself, in my studies, without income. My friend stood with his mother in front of my door: We want the child. We? I could not imagine being with the 22-year-old - and his mother - for the rest of my life.
I despised my body, neglected friendships and study
After the procedure, I was relieved. But not for long. I could not pick up the thread of my life again. Why had not I taken care of myself at the crucial moment? I was mad at me. Fell into a deep hole. Everything seemed gray to me. The marketing exam in the summer semester I just passed with a four plus, I was not really present. How did people do that carving themselves? Would it have been a relief to see blood flow? I felt like cutting out fertility. I despised my body, which had reacted so feminine.
Terrifying thoughts that I did not know about me. And again and again this accusing endless loop in my head: blame yourself. I pulled myself out of everything, neglected friendships as well as my studies, nothing seemed to make sense anymore.
Finally, my sister gave me a note with the number of a therapist in hand: Report there, otherwise I'll do it. But I did not find the way alone. Finally, there was a place where I could leave my self-doubt. The experiences with my body. With the woman doctor, who gave me the demolition drug after an hour again - she was not fast enough.
The most healing moment came in a conversation with my grandmother
An important phrase from the therapist was: "You too have a right to grief." People are fallible and this is not easy to accept in our perfectionist world. I had to forgive myself, give way to the pain. I found a farewell ritual for the soul that I could not give home - because I had to find it first for myself.
The fact that I had been weak in bed at that moment crystallized into the life theme for me: how does that, better stand up for me, take care of myself? Long walks through the forest gave me back ground under my feet, my gaze lifted. I started my life again, understood my studies again as an opportunity, saw land. But the most healing moment came during a conversation with my grandmother. She suddenly said: You know, I have experienced that, too. Early sixties. The man was married, from the same village, it would have been a scandal. At that time she drove to Holland alone to break off. We lay in our arms howling and felt closer to each other than ever before.
When I meet people at parties today who are talking about pregnancy abortions, with sentences like, "How can this happen today?", It snaps my neck. Life is not that easy. Perhaps that was the most important lesson of this difficult time: being compassionate towards oneself and others. Do not judge rashly, about others and about yourself.
