Friends: The new jealousy
It's a gnawing sensation that pokes somewhere between the heart and stomach. The early thirties Anna overcomes a diffuse jealousy, when her friend tells enthusiastically, she had met nice new mothers in the toddler group. Silke, in her mid-thirties, is surprised to find that she reacts jealously when she hears from the Monday morning tales in the company that half of the team had made an appointment again this weekend. Claus and Carmen, both in their late 40s, were asked by three pairs of friends if they wanted to go skiing together; Nevertheless, they feel left out because a fourth couple of friends has booked a holiday home with other acquaintances without asking them.
More networks, more opportunity for jealousy
Jealousy is not a new topic. On the one hand. On the other hand, it has extended to areas of life in which it was originally not intended by evolution. The point of the jealousy was that we stay alert and do not lose the interest in sex to reproduce. Young people today are no longer the only goal of a relationship - to remain alert, attentive and interested in their partner, but that certainly belongs to the ABC of living together. But what about jealousy of friends? On acquaintances? On work colleagues? Lifeless items like the mobile phone the partner is constantly playing with?
Ina Grau, psychologist at the University of Bielefeld, deals with such questions. There are hardly any studies on the jealousy in friendships or in the circle of acquaintances, she says. But basically one can assume that with the amount of relationships that we make today, feelings of jealousy quickly get out of hand: Anyone who maintains more and more friendships, cliques and networks also has more opportunity for jealousy.
Where does this feeling actually come from that describe scientists like Ina Grau as a mixture of fear, anger and sadness? This alarming state results from an imagined or actual withdrawal of love, affection or attention. The quality of the relationship, it is clear, has a decisive impact on the onset of jealousy. It is bigger, the more dependent one feels from the respective relationship. And independence in this context is ultimately a matter of self-esteem: Do I consider myself a good friend or partner? Do I believe in my social skills?
The fun cult is over
The Cologne market analysis institute Rheingold found out in a survey of adolescents between 18 and 22 years that they are far from as positive as described in the last Shell study from the year 2002. "The fun cult is over," says Stephan Grünewald, graduate psychologist and Rheingold co-founder, the young people are determined by a "deep fear of the future". To be on her own, to fall out of the community, that was her basic fear. And they fought them by making safety nets. They did not care for a circle of friends, but two, three or four.
In Hamburg, a mobile phone service is currently going to the mobile network, which indicates to its subscribers via SMS which of their friends is currently in the vicinity. And on the homepage of the RTL series "Good times, bad times", visitors are encouraged to send strangers an e-mail for their birthday.
Stephan Grünewald calls such a thing the "cultivation of blossoming binding biotopes". There was a time when you had two, three good friends, he says. That's over. Grünewald observed in the two-hour interviews with the adolescents that the jealousy increases with the number of caregivers: "It no longer channels itself to a few people, but throws itself at everything and everyone."
There are no clear generation boundaries anymore
The need to cuddle is not limited to young people. For one thing, that may be because there are no clear generations left. The elderly are experiencing their second puberty, the boys are maturing faster and faster. Networks are linked in situ, according to the Rheingold study, that is, with the one currently available. Likewise across generations.
Young and old are exposed to the same social moods: we are all crossing the present valley of misery in Germany. In times of crisis, most people have been reacting for centuries, with increased social activities: in the family, in the circle of friends, among colleagues. So one hopes for stability and stability. But no one knows if the relationships are stable. So we stay alert. And become jealous.
Everyone is responsible for their social contacts
Human closeness, many believe, is still what one can rely on most, despite the high divorce and separation rates.The British Henley Institute recently asked in a worldwide survey, "What is the biggest influence on your well-being?" No matter how old the respondents were, the answer was always the same: the relationship with the partner, with the family, with friends.
In the past, in times of the rural extended family, one slipped automatically into its networks. Today, we choose most of our relationships ourselves. That sounds like great freedom, but it also has one drawback: everyone is responsible for their social contacts. Break them together, we are pretty much alone.
Relationships with friends have become more important, says Ina Grau, the psychologist. They often prove to be more stable than pair relationships. It seems unreasonable for many people to rely on just one partner. The loss of a friend sometimes outweighs that of a partner - because the latter is easier to replace. Let us return to the scientific definition of jealousy: it becomes stronger the more dependent we feel about a relationship. So what does it mean when friends take the place formerly reserved for the partner and family? Greater dependency. And greater jealousy.
The new jealousy is exhausting and complicated
The new jealousy is pretty exhausting. We can never be sure that our relationships will be the same tomorrow as they are today. It is complicated to turn on so many cogs at the same time to cultivate the network of different friendships and acquaintances. Who does not know, the feeling of having to contact friend A, friend B and colleague C? And how comforting is the thought at the end of a packed week to keep all contacts running? Well, it was not enough for a meeting. But one has at least assured via SMS that one thinks of the other and necessarily wants to meet him next week. "The downside of flexible social bonding care is that people are constantly rubbing off in social small diplomacy," says Rheingold psychologist Grünewald.
A bond, it is said in the psychological dictionary, is a persistent emotional relationship between people. Something quite exclusive so that can not be shared with any number of caregivers. Not even if you're a master at communicating, like so many today. Let's not forget that. Because then we are rightly a bit jealous.
