We have stress - but the blame is on the other - that's not how it works, the couple therapist knows

The sound between them is getting more and more irritated. Andrea etched: "Nice that at least you have not yet built your bed in the company! It was not really my goal to be a single parent. And Malte gets scornful: "Oh, sure. Of course you have to lie down completely exhausted, if you were with the pediatrician! And of course you can not go to the damn cleaning that's next door !?

As long as Baby Karl did not exist yet, Malte and Andrea were still Romeo and Juliet. Like every pair, they existed twice. As a lover and as a partner, as a romantically connected couple and as a company that has to make a living. Sometimes the lovers helped the stressed team partners on the everyday cliffs. But since Karl crows in his diapers, Romeo and Juliet increasingly despair. Because Malte and Andrea are constantly on budget, sex and time arrangements shred.

Why do not we admit that we are overwhelmed?

Oskar Holzberg is 60 years, psychologist and married for 30 years. For more than 20 years, he has been advising couples and knows the typical conflicts.

Romeo and Juliet are long gone injured. The ghost of separation has taken its place at the kitchen table. Angry, they both demand more from the other. "If only you could contribute more, then we would not have such a problem !? What they and other couples do not see is that their demands on each other arise from a common overstrain. That they can not manage to meet all expectations and expectations. But we can hardly acknowledge overstrain. We are too success-oriented for that. Weakness is just one reason to try harder. If the pair project lurches, then we look critically at our teammates. We believe that it has to be on the other side. And we have conclusive evidence for that. We finally give everything we have!

But in our culture with so many and so high demands, with so many and seductive offers, the burn-out also hits the family. Even if both do their best, it's never enough. Especially with the birth of the first child, most couples are shockingly confronted with it.

They feel left alone when the other should be there for them when they need it. Why are you refusing? Why do not you acknowledge my efforts? Why do not you support me? They get angry, but they are helpless. And they overlook that they share just that disappointment and helplessness. Instead of continuing to bombard each other with demands, they could both confess how terribly overwhelmed they really feel. Then the problem is no longer the other, but the overburdening of the common.

As a team, they can reduce their stress, remember what they have already accomplished and achieved. Especially in the face of overburdened couples must praise themselves. Rarely does anyone else do it.

Make a career, supermodel, overparents, five-star chefs, athletes of the year? Due to the madness that we have to realize ourselves and reinvent ourselves, each couple is overwhelmed in its own way. But Romeo and Juliet move faster when over-demand gets their place at the kitchen table.