The couple therapist explains how we perceive the other

"Wow!" Laura whispers to her friend Catarina. "See how aggressive Jasper is again? He really has a problem, it's getting worse, I do not really want to be with such an aggro guy!" Laura, Catarina and Jasper are on the rink. And yes, it is already noticeable that Jasper's curling always shoots far beyond the target square or even bangs with force against the gang lying behind. The girlfriend still shakes her head. "Nah, Jasper is really relaxed, he's just mad at you because of your argument." Laura is irritated.

The fact that we always try to understand each other's behavior makes us people competent social beings. We are everyday psychologists in continuous use. Whether our partner is happy, annoyed or silent: We are looking for an explanation for his mood. We attach importance to everything we observe. The social psychologist Fritz Heider has found the concept of attribution. Either we explain our partner's behavior through his inner life, ie his personality, or we explain it through the external circumstances.

Researchers have found that happy marriages partners attribute positive behaviors to the person's personality while explaining negative behavior through circumstances. In unfortunate marriages, on the other hand, it is exactly the opposite.

In conflicts, we attribute ourselves to the positive qualities - and the negative to the partner

The risk of ending up in such an unhappy marriage is quite high, if only because we have the inclination and ability to form a personality theory over others. In other words, we get an idea of the character of our partner - and understand his behavior less and less as spontaneous reactions, but as parts of his personality. However, due to the collapsed partnership communication, we are increasingly negatively aware of it.

Jasper has actually become increasingly aggressive in her relationship with Laura - but only towards her. Laura often did not say what moved her, but then sulkily reproached her. He asked and became more and more angry the more speechless she remained. And the more angry he became, the more she closed herself. In addition, in conflicts, we tend to perceive others as our opposite.

Oskar Holzberg has been married for over 30 years and has been counseling couples for more than 20 years. He found that some sentences apply to all relationships. In each ChroniquesDuVasteMonde he introduces one of them.

It is clear where this leads: We attribute ourselves to the positive qualities and the partner increasingly negative. Until we see - like Laura at Jasper - in the personality of our partner only an unbearable problem and put him in one of our psycho-drawers. Popular are: Depressed! Selfish! Dominant! Uncaring!

Yes, partners can be problematic, difficult people, really unbearable. But in most cases it is up to our perception when Dream princes turn into nasty toads. We would do well to always consider the circumstances if we interpret the difficult behavior of our partner. And never forgetting that his most influential circumstance is ourselves. The problem is not the other one.