Sounds good, it does not work - these therapist tips did not help

Even therapists are not miracle healers. On Peters couch we have received many good suggestions? Sometimes, however, when trying to implement it: That does not help. Or we said in the session: "Sounds good!" ? but did not care. Because it somehow did not fit. For example, with these tips:

The "I-feel" sentences: Are you part of the standard repertoire of almost every therapist? and Peter put it to our hearts. The principle: Do not attack but disclose feelings. In theory, great, because it is clear that "I feel lonely" is something completely different than "Always you leave me alone, you only think of you!" One can enter the first sentence, which generates empathy. The second sentence just asks for defense. But I already suspected during the session: With Daniel, something is nothing. To produce emotional sentences while the carotid artery is pounding? Whoever manages to be a quick-tempered person in the long run, I bow to that. John Gottman, an American scientist and couple therapist whom I greatly appreciated, has also observed that many couples manage to switch to "I-feel" sentences at times, but at some point they fall back into old patterns.
What I still take with me: The idea of looking more at Daniel's feelings, what's behind his anger.

The Wine List: Peter advised us to create a list of topics for discussion. It should be used whenever a topic emerges in everyday life where we realized: "Ui, Konfliktstoff!" Over a glass of wine we could then discuss the points on the list in peace. Unfortunately, we both want to give our indignation mostly immediately. In addition, Daniel has little desire to fill evenings with conflict talks. So we continue to baffle, discuss, when the conflicts just come up. Sometimes, after all, we manage to exchange clarifying, calm words afterwards.
What I still take with me: that not every moment is suitable for discussion. When Daniel says, "I do not want to argue anymore, let's stop," I sometimes manage to pull myself together and leave him alone. In return, I attach more and more importance to the fact that he respects it, when I say: "Please do not let us talk in front of Mattis so please, we will discuss later!"

Repeat what is said: another therapist classic. It is supposed to practice listening if you keep summarizing what the other person has said. The goal: to avoid talking past each other, just to get your own point of view. I tried repeating just once. But Daniel just reacted annoyed: "I do not need that, you like a parrot chattering everything that is not from the heart."
What I still take with me: that better listening is definitely worthwhile. To swallow your own argument for a moment and give the other one the feeling that you are being heard.

Let's compare: Peter was right to my husband when he said, my constant accounting á la "who makes what" is poison for the relationship. But I still find it unfair when we're with his parents and Daniel sleeps out every morning? while I take care of Mattis. I stick to the fact that I need some balance to be satisfied.
What I still take with me: to keep the comparisons more for me. Instead of always taking something away from Daniel, selflessly completing tasks? because then he does a lot more on his own. I make an effort to complain less, instead putting my wishes on the table differently. Instead of telling him that he is now "tuned", such sentences are much more successful in Daniel: "How about if you take Mattis tomorrow morning, would that be ok for you?"

Probably we could have finished the therapy long ago, we would implement Peters suggestions exemplary. But we are people with many small mistakes. That's why we continue. Just because we have a child, reflection and the search for alternative ways come too short in our everyday life. On Peter's couch we take the time for it. Even if some way turns out to be a dead end: It's worth it.

The finale in the ChroniquesDuVasteMonde dossier

Our battle for love - Maja Schwaab now tells her story in the big ChroniquesDuVasteMonde dossier (issue 22, from 8.10 at the kiosk). In it also explains therapist Peter, how he assesses the couple.