"Should I change the name after the divorce?"
It used to be easy. I told others what my name was, so it was clear to which child I belonged and which child to me. Today I say: "I am Anke Sierian, the mother of ...", and the first name is followed by another surname than mine - that of the father, of my divorced husband. As before, such situations trigger a quiet sadness in me.
"To say otherwise is complicated, above all emotionally"
To accept the birth name after a divorce is anything but formal, especially if you are a mother. How to make children easier everyday life. To say otherwise is complicated, especially emotionally. But you're not just a mother, you're a woman too, and as a woman, there's no reason to go on living with the name of a man you're no longer married to. Except, he likes you a lot better, or you have achieved a certain notoriety in the profession.
At any rate, it seemed to me the right step to return to my birth name: he belonged to me for the longest time of my life, with him I would get back an important part of my old self. Besides, I like it a lot: its sound, its rarity, the touch of exoticism. I've always been proud of the name I used to grow up with and have often grieved having given it up. That's why today it hurts me a lot that my two sons can neither carry it nor hand it on one day: My name, it will die out with me.
"Only five percent of German men wear the name of their wife"
It was only with hindsight that I realized that when I adopted my husband's last name, I did so not out of conviction but out of a fear of conflict. Only five percent of German husbands, I have read at some point in the "Süddeutsche Zeitung", carry the name of their wife. I knew my husband was one of the remaining 95 percent for whom this is not an option. I did not question that. I accepted his ideas, presumably also because they corresponded to the usual norm, as untouchable.
Nor did I come up with the idea of keeping my maiden name, which had been allowed for a long time when we married in 2001. Because then we would have had to agree what surname our children should wear, his or mine - double names are inadmissible for children: that too would have meant strife. I also liked the idea of the common surname as a visible symbol of unity. Getting married, having children, showing the flag, salt dough sign romance: "Here family lives ..." And because the man was not ready for the name sacrifice, I saw myself in the duty. The tradition was finally on his side. And I was able to show generosity, if not from the heart.
"For the kids I stay mom, no matter what my name is"
As frivolously as I had given up my name when marrying, so much did I bother with the reverse decision. Do I really want that? That the children continue to be called like their father, and I become the name of a family outsider? Could a feeling arise, not to belong anymore? I had such misgivings even when the mind was shouting "such a nonsense." At some point I said to myself: For the children I am "Mama", and I'll stay that way, no matter what my name is.
