Separation: How do I tell him?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: "I part!" Can this be a lonely decision, or should one involve the partner from the first doubt?
Hans Jellouschek: Certainly not from the first doubt. But when separation becomes a serious issue, you have to give your partner a fair chance to respond so that it does not come out of the blue like lightning.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: But men often repress problems, even if the woman tries to talk about it. And then act as if the breakup came suddenly.
Hans Jellouschek: That's right, men tend to ignore their partner's signals as long as they can. On the other hand, many women shy away from the real confrontation. In them, so much dissatisfaction builds up, until one day they decide: "It's over." It would be good if they made it clear in time: "If this continues, I separate myself." Often men need this bang to understand the gravity of the situation. And then you are ready to work on yourself and the relationship. Of course, this must not become routine: if the relationship does not improve permanently after such a strong signal, a breakup could be the right move.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: He who leaves inflicts an injury. He feels guilty. Rightly?
Hans Jellouschek: The topic of separation must have been addressed after a longer relationship before I perform it. Otherwise, is it any wonder that the other person reacts unpredictably? and entitled if I get guilty and afraid of his reactions. However, when I come to the conclusion after serious argument that I have to split up because otherwise I will fall by the wayside, I can make it clear that there was no better alternative. Life is not about hurting others. I'm sorry for that, but I do not have to feel guilty about it.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: But we mostly do it anyway. With sentences like "You destroyed my life!" or "I'll never be happy without you again!" we are afraid.
Hans Jellouschek: These are simply exaggerations that should not be confused. If the relationship is really only destructive and can not be steered into constructive path, it is better for all involved, including the children, to dissolve them. Inflicting pain on others is not synonymous with "destroying". Everyone has the ability to survive a separation and use it as an opportunity.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Can You Prepare For A Separation Interview?
Hans Jellouschek: The Forsaken will inevitably feel assaulted, but I should internalize an attitude that does not further degrade the other: I can not undermine him to strengthen my position. Instead, I should speak of me, my determination, my reasons. So send "I messages" and avoid pointless escalations.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: Are there typical male reaction patterns to a breakup?
Hans Jellouschek: Some men make a poker face and displace the pain. But often they also break, surprisingly for the partner, together. The discrepancy in the feelings shown before and after separation is greater in men than in women: in the consciousness of men, the relationship is often more in the background. Nevertheless, sometimes they are more dependent on it than women whose social network is much stronger. That is why the rate of those who after a breakup do themselves or others violence is much higher among men than among women.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: And if I fear that my partner will become violent?
Hans Jellouschek: If this fear really gives cause, the endangered must take protective measures: for example, to relocate temporarily to relatives or friends or to visit the women's shelter.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde.com: How do you free yourself from someone who does not volunteer? He insists, "I know you still love me!"
Hans Jellouschek: Maybe it makes sense to think for a moment: if the relationship is so important to the other person that he reacts that way? Maybe there would not be a way together? If there is still hope, I could set conditions under which I am willing to go forward, for example, to go into intensive couples therapy with each other to put the relationship on a new footing. But when I am sure that the relationship is over for me, there is nothing to be but the final step towards the other.
The theologian, psychotherapist and author Hans Jellouschek, 64, lives and works near Tübingen.Books by him: "Relationship and enchantment" (19.90 euros, Kreuz Verlag) and "Why did you do this to me? Infidelity as a chance" (8.90 euros, Piper) and others.
