Openness: How much can I reveal about myself?
1. I'm just in love, but it's complicated. Should I discuss this in the office?
Counter question: What do you have from it? Actually, it is more the desire to explain to others that you may not be able to afford so much at the moment because your soul is busy with other things. But that's just food that should not be blamed on colleagues. Almost all recruitment consultants agree: Overly personal information is not to be found in the office. Relationship problems as well as illnesses or problems with raising children. Beware therefore also with private telephone calls, with which relationship crises or family tragedies are discussed. Even even well-intentioned colleagues can not stutter their ears - and hear whether they want to or not.
2. But the problems could affect my job - should not I quite frankly say what's going on?
As brutal as it is: Anyone who shows too much that a private problem is depressing him is less likely to do so. Of course there are situations in which one should tell what is going on - for example, it can be foreseen that it takes time to look after a sick family member. In that case, it is reasonable to signal that the problem is organizationally under control, and that the exact plans for the next time are running without the job suffering.
3. Is there something like a rule of thumb: How do I realize that a person is trustworthy?
A few things are sort of self-evident: If you've just met someone, you should not talk to him or her about any problem yet. When you tell what and how much, is always a bit risk, because a friend should support you just where you feel weak. And of course that only works if we reveal something about ourselves.
4. Can good friends know everything about us?
Before you reveal the absolutely state-bearing secrets - the secret lover, a previous abortion, abuse in the family - you should listen very carefully to his gut feeling. Because friends change faster than you often believe: because the life situation changes, one suddenly marries or a child gets or moves. The lifelong loyal companion à la "Sex and the City" seems, according to research, just as much an illusion as the dream man. In fact, only six percent of all adult women still have their girlfriend from Children's and Youth Days. Secrets that are really ones should only be entrusted to very close, longtime friends.
5. Should you talk openly with children about all family problems?
If children start asking questions, they should be answered openly and in a child-friendly way. Instead of ignoring the fact that the grandfather is a drinker, one could say: "The grandfather drinks too much alcohol, this is a disease, we hope that soon he will do something about it." Basically, secrets are always destructive when they die touching the existential rights of a human being. This applies to serious illnesses, which one should not conceal from a partner, but also to the origin of a child, which can not be kept secret in the long term. Father's problems in the job, a relationship crisis of the parents, Zoff with relatives: These are adult issues that children do not necessarily know about. Nevertheless, if you continue to drill, you can still answer - or say: "We would rather just talk to adults among us."
6. What about your own parents and siblings? How much should they get from my everyday problems?
Part of the developmental task of a person is to detach from his family of origin and to stand on their own two feet. It also means deciding what you want to do with yourself and what you do not. And if you do not feel like discussing the Ehezoff in detail or telling the family that the job is shaking, you have the right to be silent about it. Just as when it comes to keeping a biographical detail to yourself, for example, how many men you were in bed with - or if you've ever gone astray.
7. But in a good partnership, you talk about everything, right?
No. Most lovers sit on the fallacy that intimacy is created only by absolute openness - and tell everything: from the unexotic abdominal groaning to the last sex with the Ex. That can backfire pretty much, warns the Weinheim psychologist and author Ursula Nuber. "Some relationships get in trouble because openness is too big," she says. Then there is no more secret, no excitement, no tension - and the relationship is as predictable as the Rosamunde-Pilcher-Schnulze on Sunday evening.
8. For example, what does my partner need to know about my past?
When it comes to past loves and sex, there is also a merciful silence.And that's pretty often. Who is it to know that the ex had the intelligence of a parameckie, but a cannon was in bed? However, it can be important to talk about why the relationship has failed - because this may reveal ways of doing things and inner patterns that you no longer have to slip into.
9. So I do not have to have a guilty conscience if I have secrets from my partner?
Not in principle. Secrets help us to maintain our independence and independence. But psychologists distinguish between destructive and helpful secrets. Destructive endanger the relationship, violate the right of self-determination of others. For example, if I conceal someone that I have gambling debts, I can destroy the life of my partner. Helpful secrets support love. The fact that I've been dreaming for years of crossing the Atlantic on a sailing ship and therefore always reading nautical books while on vacation is a helpful secret: it makes us a little bit more exciting for the other.
10. Are there really any good reasons to reveal a secret, even if the gut feeling quite, very clearly contradicts it?
There are actually only two really good motives to solve a mystery: firstly, if you are honestly convinced that another person has the right to know the secret, because this strengthens his own life force. This is true, for example, when you reveal the origin of a child and tell him who his father is or that he was adopted. And secondly, if you want to save or restore a relationship through openness.
You will find more questions and answers about the topic of openness in the new ChroniquesDuVasteMonde Balance, Issue 4 - now on the kiosk!
