Messages from childhood
Her confirmation has been over 20 years now. But a scene has Lisa Pankel * now in detail in memory. How the confirmands posed after the service to the photo. "You go back," the photographer called to her. "You're the biggest." In fact, at 1.79 meters, the student even towered above the same age boys, despite shallow shoes. "I was so embarrassed that I bent my shoulders to make myself smaller," recalls the 40-year-old. Later the relatives said to her: "My God, you grew up! Just do not wax, otherwise you will not get a husband !?
Even as a child, Lisa Pankel had always been the best in class and had never thought about it. That was different now. Once the unfortunate sentence had fallen, the pupil heard it permanently: from a school friend of the mother, the primary school teacher, the former neighbor, the pediatrician, whom she met by chance on the street. For Lisa Pankel, talking about her height sounded like a reproach. Suddenly she had a problem. And when the friends started dating, she preferred to hold back. Which boy would like a girl as tall as he or maybe a little taller?
Many adults are condescending to children
Adults usually do not think much of phrases like, but you have two left hands? or? If you have to expect a lot in the job, that will not work ?. And many find it normal to treat children so condescendingly because they have not experienced it otherwise in their childhood. The effect of the carelessly said words, that they may hunt a person into adulthood, probably only a few people suspect. "In childhood and adolescence, do we first believe everything that adults tell us? also about ourselves ?, says psychologist Eva Wlodarek. "The more sensitive a child is, the more intense and longer can such a message work." The consequence: Some people unconsciously behave in adulthood just as they were predicted in childhood. So a message like? You can not find a man? become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Fortunately, this rarely happens because we are exposed to very different influences during growing up and later on. This increases the chance that childhood messages will lose meaning. It was the same with Lisa Pankel. When she was 17, a friend took her to an alternative youth club in her hometown of Schwerin. There was discussion about society and politics, music was made and celebrated. Look, figure and height were not an issue for these teenagers. "Who took me as I was, just counting my personality ?, remembers Lisa Pankel.
For the high school student opened up a new world: She met a girl who lived completely alone in a dilapidated house and watched in fascination as the new girlfriend against all conventions lived. She discovered her passion for singing, joined a band and overcame her reluctance to be the center of attention. After all, she even had the courage to stand by her feelings when she fell in love with the band's guitarists. The parents and relatives noticed one thing above all about the young man: "He is a head shorter than you!"
Although the relationship broke down after a year, one thing that Lisa Pankel has not forgotten to this day is: "For the first time, I felt that someone loved me, despite my size." She was convinced: "There is a man somewhere that suits me." The new self-confidence helped Lisa Pankel grow up. After graduation and her training as a business economist she went? still in GDR times? to the West and built up a new existence there. She fell in love and made love again. She had the message from her childhood, you can not find a husband? now finally exhausted.
An ominous saying can become a curse
Is it easy to imitate this? "It's certainly not easy," says psychologist Eva Wlodarek. "But if someone realizes that he's carrying such a childhood spell, the first, most important step is already done." The second, according to the expert, would be an "opposite experience", an experience like Lisa Pankel's first great love.
Of course, there are also messages from childhood that are at least partially true. It may well be that someone who was sent to life with the saying "You do not understand anything about numbers," can not really count on it. The spell can become the spell if a child is treated with it in such a way that it finally considers itself incapable and worthless."Then it's doubly important to gain self-confidence? through a positive experience in another field, perhaps also in a therapy ?, says Eva Wlodarek.
For Lisa Pankel, life itself was the therapy. For seven years she has been happily married to her husband, whom she met at work. Her height no longer bothers her at all, on the contrary: "If I gain a bit on vacation, does not anyone notice? it is distributed yes?
Sample message: "You have to understand that?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN editor Franziska Wolffheim can not be really angry.
When I heard the sentence for the first time, I think it was about my father, who once again had a stomachache. My mother shielded him? also from me: "Please do not go to dad in the room, he has a stomachache. You have to understand that.? So I left it, though I would have liked to look after him. My mother always had a lot of understanding for other people. It almost made a sport out of finding arguments to relieve her. Today I admire that, as a child it annoyed me. For example, when I complained that our maid was so stuffy to me, she said, "Ms. Hansen has little money and is a bit sick, you have to understand that." Or later, when I did not want to be confirmed: "You know that Omi is important, maybe she thinks she will not see you in heaven again. You have to understand that.? I was not in the mood to understand everyone and everything, I would have liked to be more angular, more selfish.
Later I learned to assert myself: studying, abroad, singles? I lived this phase long and happily. Nevertheless, understanding will always be mine? and I'm glad about that. It helps me, for example, to gain the trust of difficult people in interviews.
Example message: "You lost the donkey in a gallop?
"This is going well," thought ChroniquesDuVasteMonde WOMAN editorial director Karin Weber-Duve as a child at these words.
Oh yes, he could have damaged my tender child soul permanently, this thoughtless saying of my mother, whom I often heard as a little girl (she had no idea of psychology). I just did not fit into the picture. I was blond, though? Man? both maternal and paternal in our family had dark hair, supposedly for generations (the Mendelian rule of dominant-recessive inheritance was one of my mother's "Bohemian villages"). And my eyes were clearly brown, all the others from our clan had blue ones. Alright? "The donkey has lost you in a gallop." I should have consulted on an early childhood trauma that every psychoanalyst would cleanly diagnose, but I've gotten around. Why? Because I found this saying great. He left room for my imagination: a galloping donkey, I on top of it, then, suddenly a stone or a cow, and oops. I was lying there now. At the feet of my beautiful mom and my gentle father, and they had me? like in a fairy tale - just taken and pulled up. And that's why I loved her so much. But if my mother's face was not so nice because she was mad at me and my father was not so sensitive gentle, because he was angry? also no problem. Well, I thought to myself then. What have I got to do with you? You are not my parents. And that's why I was allowed to find her stupid with all my heart? without a bad conscience. I was fine in every early childhood phase: Because the donkey had galloped me.
* Name changed by the editor
What messages did you hear as a child?
Are there any sentences from your childhood that you have followed for a long time? Then share this with us. We are looking forward to your messages.
