In a relationship, we become one - whether we like it or not, the couple therapist knows
Mr. D. has a big bump on his head, blue-green and a little scabby. A small per thousand accident. "Well," he says, "no glitz, but it can happen." ? But it happens way too often? Mrs. D. is sitting straight up there. "I have never run against the patio door before. , , "says Mr. D., but his tired joke does not suit well. ?You know exactly what I mean! You drink almost every night.? ? Well, that's not true again. And besides, it does not bother you.? Mrs D. looks at me for help. "You want to tell your husband that your evening will also change when he drinks in the evening?" I begin.
I am cautious, because this couple is just starting to deal with a sensitive issue: dependency. Although I think less of Mr. D.'s possible dependence on omnipresent alcohol, but rather of the mutual dependence of two lovers. Because in love, one plus one is not two, but one. This contradicts our idea of autonomy and independence. And therefore it is not easy to assume. In fact, nobody influences us more than our love partner. Already with
Oskar Holzberg is 60 years, psychologist and married for 30 years. For more than 20 years, he has been advising couples and knows the typical conflicts.
© Ilona HabbenWith each kiss, we adapt our immune systems to each other. And as soon as our partner has the flu, we get it too. But even if we do not get infected, our lives change through the relationship. Whether the partner is sick, in a bad mood, depressed or addicted? it limits our possibilities, demands our final decisions, influences our feelings. Our separate individuality is an illusion. We are much more of a body and a psyche than we admit. Our partnership is a microculture that deeply shapes us. And it makes perfect sense to regard a relationship as a being, an organism.
Longtime partners are starting to look much more alike. Presumably, because they always reflect the feelings of the other. Your feelings are my feelings, and your stress is also my stress. Because our cortisol level rises as soon as we observe other people under stress. And most of all, we react to our partner. Unemployment affects, for example, the mental health of the partner almost as much as that of the unemployed self. And the American psychologist Prof. James Coan was able to show how strongly partners influence their physiology also positive.
In the presence of the partner previously experienced pain was no longer felt. If we want our partner to have a healthy diet, to finally go to the doctor with his long-term cough and to settle the dispute with his sister, who puts a strain on him, then we will not interfere inadmissibly. We represent our own interest. It's no coincidence that we like each other? Baby? call. Are we as inextricably linked as mother and baby? Like us, we are a heart and a soul, whether we like it or not. Love follows its own logic. In it: 1 + 1 = 1.
