Does a relationship die when one no longer has sex?
Matthias and I had sex the last time about one and a half years ago, one of the few times in a long time. It was even very nice, at least I was not bored. I do not understand myself: If you had a delicious meal, you'd like more of it - would not it be the same with sex? But I just do not feel like it. That does not make it easy.
We met in 1998, we played hobbymäßig in a band. At first we were just friends, later we had a very short relationship. He was very much in love with me, I panicked and finished. After that we did not see each other for two years. Until one day we met by chance on the street - and I was entranced. I still remember how I thought: "I think I fell in love with Matthias, that can not be, that's not my type!" That was seven years ago.
After two years the sex became less
At first we were both in love, had a lot of sex. After two years, it was much less, but that's also normal. Then we did not have any sex very soon - that's how it is today. He still wants me, but I never. We cuddle together, but no longer sleep in a bed - at his request. He says that's too difficult for him.
I think that's a shame, but it can understand. We had long tough discussions in the past, meanwhile we mostly exclude the subject of sex - it pulls us both down too much. At first I thought: well, if he really wants to, I could still join in occasionally, for his sake. , , but he realizes that, I can not play for him. And little sex leads to even less sex. The less often we have sex, the more abstruse is the idea of having sex. I do not miss him. I hardly satisfy myself anymore.
I have no idea why I am like that
"We exclude the topic, it pulls us down"
I love Matthias. He and I are very close, maybe too close. He is indeed my best friend, I can share everything with him. I think it's beautiful. Sometimes I think that's the problem. That I might feel more like being with such a stupid alpha male, with whom I do not laugh so much together and could not watch so many great movies together, with which I'm not so on a wavelength.
I have a sense of why I am the way I am, being sexless in a cuddly relationship. I grew up very regimented, my mother used to tell me how shitty men are, and I think I worked that up by having affairs for only 20 years that lasted no more than three months. Sex was a means to an end: I wanted to prove to myself that I'm not a wallflower, I wanted men to be in love with me. And when they did, they became unattractive to me in no time. Or they were not in love with me, and that made them even more interesting to me. Sex meant for me: passion, willingness, unreachability. For Matthias, sex is love. And it's not easy for him to keep that from me.
We do not want an open relationship
I asked him if he wanted an open relationship, even if I do not know how I would handle it if it came to that. He even registered with a dating site and met two or three women. But he said afterwards: I do not just want to have sex, I want to have sex with you.
I too can not imagine that I would rather be with someone else. If we were not a couple, I would probably be a happy single.
We have more than a friendship with touch. A relationship still consists of many other things. My dad lives in the nursing home, and Matthias often comes with me and supports me because I can not cope with that alone. We are there for each other, and I realize that this relationship is more resilient than a friendship. Matthias does not pressure me, but I do not know how to change the situation. A couples therapy has brought us nothing. I still hope that we will find a solution. Although I have no idea what it should look like at the moment.
* Name changed
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