New in love after the death of the partner

Michael: "After the death of my wife, I really did not want to have a wife anymore"

Birgit: "We've been forced, my school friend has advertised in her regional paper:" My girlfriend is looking for a man who makes her laugh again. "I did not want that, but she did, and she wanted me closer in the place I moved to because of my husband 40 years ago, I never felt really comfortable "

Michael: I was hired by a friend of the house, I should look for a new partner. My sons also wanted me not to be alone after the death of my wife. They found me too young to be alone, with 60. I was missing nothing. Although I can not cook, but I was fine alone. I was busy.

Birgit: I had my grandchildren, my honorary posts and a lot of work with the garden and the house. And of course friends, one is invited.

Michael: At first, but that crumbles very fast. If it suited my friends, they invited me; if not, not. I am in a dependency. And I wanted to do something. During my wife's cancer, I retired early. After her death, I renovated the condo by a friend, half a year, that did me good. Then I went to Porsche and asked if they need a car-crazy retiree. For four years I drive cars to the buyers. I enjoy it a lot, I work a lot - and until they do not want me anymore, at least until 85.

Birgit: When my husband died, in the first year I drove a lot to my smallest grandson, he was still a baby. That saved me. I also have a full program with the six others around here. At some point I thought: You need another task - and have taken on some honorary posts and small jobs. During my husband's illness, we had dissolved our business. I thought so, he survived the cancer, and then we make it nice. I always did the bookkeeping. I'm not bored either. But then my girlfriend has bekanie me so long, until I have an appointment with this man.

Michael: Because my girlfriend phoned her to say she knows someone who fits her profile. Our two matchmakers wanted to go when we met for the first time in a café. Then I will not come, I said, no way.

Birgit: I was so nervous: I should be in such a grandma's cafe, to a strange man - and if I do not like it ?!

"I have not laughed like you have in my life"

Michael: Because of my job, I was used to talking to a lot of people, that's why I was actually quite relaxed. When the door opened, I thought: For God's sake - that must not be her! She was not. But the next. I knew it was her and mentioned her name. There was from the beginning ... at least no rejection.

Birgit: He had honest eyes and looked pretty pretty otherwise.

Michael: Then we walked for three hours, I showed her the city, and we talked about death and the devil.

Birgit: In the end he drove me to my friends, and I actually got into the car to a strange man! Just because.

Michael: The following weeks, we talked for hours on the phone and talked about everything possible. Also about our deceased spouse. When we met, our partners were already three, four years dead. That was not fresh, that did not hurt so much.

Birgit: I have some friends who joined together very quickly after the death of their partner. Some have married again after a few months. But now they are unhappy and say it's the same crap as before. I said to Michael at the beginning: I am no longer willing to compromise. For my husband I had taken me together. Jürgen did not like it when I was impulsive, and then did not talk to me for weeks. Until I apologize. My ego was slowly gone. And I knew that I would never bend again.

Michael: No compromises, that was clear to me too.

Birgit: After a few months we both had the wish to get to know each other, and then we drove two days into the mountains, do you remember that?

Michael: But how!

Birgit: We laughed like that, for hours! Michael can imitate people, and there was such a couple who did not talk to each other at all, he just grunted. We laughed! It was like a liberation. And then this fog lay over the valley and the moon ...

Michael: Mmm.

Birgit: I have not laughed so much as you have in my life. Even though we are old now - we are like young people in a relationship. Good, you have more experience. But I feel young.

Michael: Like 48, not like 68.

Birgit: And I never felt so free. Michael takes me as I am.

Michael: My sons were baffled when I introduced them to Birgit, and totally thrilled.

Birgit: A stone fell from my heart, we liked each other very much. My kids liked Michael too. Only my mother ... she does not begrudge me that.

Michael: As a young woman, she became a widow, at war, and never rallied to a man again. That's the generation, my mother also had a heart of stone. I loved her anyway. I had to promise her to make sure she was not buried alive. And two days after her death, I went to the cold store to look after her and then said to her: Yes, mother, you're dead!

Birgit: Michael protects me from my mother.

Michael: We have many things in common. We are both stubborn and think alike. We have a similar taste, even in the decor. Birgit has a similar style to my late wife Susanne. They even had the same Tchibo sundaes. They would have met at Tchibo and understood well.

Birgit: Michael's home furnishings are still heavily influenced by Susanne's hand. I do not feel very well there. Therefore, we have now bought a new, shared apartment in a neutral place.

Michael: The apartment has stayed that way, I just gave away Susanne's clothes. But only four years after her death. I was afraid of that. You want to change something because you know you have to let go. And at the same time you are afraid of it. It was bad. Immediately afterwards, I regretted it. It was as if I had committed a betrayal.

Birgit: A few days before our trip to the mountains I thought: Now you have to clear out the clothes of Jürgen, that must be done! I went to the cupboard, turned up the radio aloud and started. It was awful. I even got a shingles.

Michael: But the nice thing is we can talk about it. A woman who was not a widow would not understand that. We also saved some parts. Me: a black skirt with a black and white blouse. I liked to see Susanne in it.

Birgit: Me: a jacket Jurgen liked and his belt. He only wanted one, and it always excited me that he put it in his jeans and suit.

Michael: I'm annoyed that I gave away Susanne's leather jacket, Birgit would have liked it too.

Birgit: I already put on your winter boots when I did not have one. I would never wear only the jewelery, that is far too intimate.

Michael: I also promised her that no one else would wear it. Although Susanne wanted me to look for another woman. She was afraid I would starve alone.

Birgit: My husband did not want me to have another man again, he was very jealous. But now Michael is sitting here on the sofa, and it feels good to me. If he wanted, he could also play the piano, like Jürgen. You can not imagine that before, but it's not strange or weird that after decades in a shared house, another person lives. On the chair, on the sofa, in bed. It is fine that way.

Michael: But just because we both had some years to mourn. And because we are all similarly knitted. Or were. And because we had a similar fate. We are - and were - all the same year: 44. So we can laugh together. And cry. Although the time of great sadness, I think, is over.

Birgit: Jürgen died on Christmas Eve 2005, at home. My children were there, they were already asleep. It was about midnight. Jürgen has been in a coma for a few days. He breathed more and more softly. I became thirsty. Go to the water box and think: You do not even hear the breath anymore. There he was dead. So I sat down and talked to him. That went, you are somehow different. I told him that we also had good times with the kids, and that he's fine now, I've been reviewing our life together. At half past one I woke up my daughter and my son. At first I worked like a clockwork. Then I got medications for reassurance. But after the funeral came the angry awakening. Since I would have loved to die. Today I still have that feeling sometimes. And then I think: You can not do that - have such intense feelings of sadness, you have to be there for Michael. I will not tell him then. But it is becoming rarer. The first Christmas Eve, that was hard. But I have seven grandchildren, there is also a lot of joy on Christmas. And then there was the first anniversary of Jürgen's death with Michael.

"We know that we can lose the others again at any time"

Michael: Four years after the death of Jürgens, I celebrated Christmas Eve for the first time with her family. I gave a speech in which I thanked them for their open and loving acceptance. The next day we went to Jürgens grave together, we often do that.

Birgit: One time I drove to Michael so that he does not fall in a hole again on the day of Susanne's death. I decorate her grave and listen to Michael talking to her. He has such a lovely way of talking to the dead.I can not do that. He also introduced me to her. "Hello, chicken," he said, "that's Birgit, you'll like it." Recently he said at the grave: "Do not worry, Jürgen, I have them under control."

Michael: That's what makes him happy! And I have to say that sometimes I grieve for my lost wife too. We had such a happy marriage for 40 years. That's because we fell in love young. This revolution of hearts - which carries a partnership decades. Birgit understands that. At 60. 70, love is beautiful, but different.

Birgit: I sometimes slowed down my feelings. Because at first I had a guilty conscience about Jürgen. Because I did not want Michael to be constantly compared to him. For good or bad. That also slows down: the enthusiasm. And there is another thing that comes with this love in old age: we know that we can lose the other at any time, to death.

Michael: Yes.

Birgit: You think: you do not want to experience that a second time.

Michael: No.

Birgit: But one will experience it.

Michael: That's the sad thing about the story.

Birgit: Maybe you should make fewer plans and live longer in the day. But we can not do that. We have a weekend relationship. I have a lot to do here with the house, the garden and the grandchildren. And Michael with his cars. Surely we pull together - when one can no longer.

Michael: We need new goals, otherwise we will stop. And that's why we built this new apartment. That inspires. And you will not immediately get a heart attack from it.

Birgit: Only on Mallorca lying around I would find boring.

Michael: Well, if I could drive cars around there?