My partner is depressed: how we have overcome darkness
"How do you stand it ?! I could not do that!" For many friends and acquaintances it was a mystery how I could be with a man who was indifferent and bleak most of the time. Honestly, I did not always understand it myself. When Jannik and I became a couple ten years ago, my life began to shine. That's how I felt it. Never before had I been so valued, supported and felt safe. We enjoyed every minute together, had fun and sex and soon made plans for the future.
Is it maybe me?
But this untroubled luck lasted only about three months. He did not answer for days, often had his cell phone out. He was pale, exhausted and constantly tired. I was very insecure: Does not he want me anymore? Or is he just so stressed out of work? As a web developer, he often worked late into the night. His friends told me that will happen again, that he used to be often tired, it had nothing to do with me. And that's what Jannik told me too. But it did not reassure me. He became more and more apathetic, weaker and gloomier. And when that did not improve after weeks, he was examined by a doctor.
At that time I was not clear what the diagnosis "depression" means. How lengthy and complicated that is. That there is no quick cure. And how exhausting and unbearable depression is for both sides. I completely underestimated the depression. In the following years, I had a partner who was silent, dark and barely able to handle stress. Who wanted to sleep all the time and allowed only a little physical closeness. He did not go to the cinema with me and did not go on vacation. I was very worried about that. If I asked too much of him, he withdrew. I often had to cry during that time, was incredibly lonely and desperate, consoling myself with alcohol. Many of my friends did not understand why I did this to me. I could not explain it to them. I have often thought about separation. But even the very idea of really separating, felt strangely theoretical. I did not want to be without him. I always had the hope that Jannik will become the one I once fell in love with.
There were days, it was like at the beginning
And it was not all hopeless: Jannik has endeavored from the outset to counteract his depression. He was open to all offers of help, took antidepressants, made therapy, started jogging and bouldering because exercise can relieve depression. These were not all miracle remedies, but every little improvement in Jannik's condition gave us a little confidence. There were moments, sometimes whole days, when our love was as easy as at the beginning. Sitting on the sofa like normal couples, eating pizza, watching favorite shows, going to sports, having deep conversations, having fun. And at some point, after a long time, these light days turned into weeks that were almost carefree.
Today, Jannik's depression is almost over. There are still weak days, then he retreats and sinks into his darkness? but that rarely happens. I am grateful that the worst times are behind us. But also for what they made us. Because the depression was not only terrible. She also sharpened our eyes and opened our hearts. We both did psychotherapy and learned to pay attention to what is good for us. We have given up unhealthy habits and some friendships as well. We moved out of Munich to the countryside, now live in a house in the Allgäu, together with cats, dogs, ducks and chickens, surrounded by nature and peace, which is wonderful. Here we have created a small, healed world where we can forget the despair of recent years.
* In real life, Alina Bach is different. Under this pseudonym she has written a book about her relationship with Jannik: "Love in Dark Times, Partnership and Depression, Experiences of a relative" (318 p., 12 euros, DuMont).
