My husband does not sleep with me anymore: what to do about libido loss?
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: It used to be: He always wants, the woman has migraine. Why do more and more men have no desire today?
Michael Cöllen: An increasing number of men deny or block sexuality because they are insecure. The progressive autonomy of the woman and her self-confidence mean that men have to question themselves in many areas. The social insecurity that exists in the male role affects their sexuality.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: What does the male role in public have to do with the sexual act of two people?
When it does not work, men are the most unkind to themselves
Michael Cöllen: The dependence of male sexuality on the rest of the living environment is stronger than you think. Today, men are challenged differently from society and at work than before and often overwhelmed. One can say that as women find themselves and discover their potency, they compete with male potency.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: So is the emancipation of the woman to blame for his displeasure?
Michael Cöllen: In the classic role allocation it was easier for the man to find his sexual identity and to live it out. But that does not allow the social development, because the emancipation of women can not turn backwards.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Are women suddenly making new demands in bed?
Michael Cöllen: Today, young women are very self-confident, and even the women from the lower classes, who have long been the most obedient in bed, today have an idea of emancipation. It is no longer enough for a man to exploit the woman's orgasm simply by pressing a pair of erotic buttons that work with luck. Women want sex to be like a dialogue that includes body, mind and soul. And they demand this with new self-confidence. And many men say: "That's too exhausting for me." They prefer to flee to masturbation or internet sex.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Because nobody claims?
Michael Cöllen: Internet sex requires no dialogue. The men can hide completely and withdraw. In passive sexuality, they simply consume. Take pictures and get stimulated.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: How does the new hardship in professional life affect male sexuality?
Michael Cöllen: The increase in unemployment, the demand for continuous high performance in the job with consistently hardest concentration increase the probability of making mistakes and getting caught. This fear of failure translates into male sexuality. Too much anxiety paralyzes the organism.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Does that mean professionally successful men are sexually active?
Michael Cöllen: That may sound strange, but it is. This can already be seen in the fact that well-known artists or politicians often lead a violent sex life. For successful men sexual self-realization is in the foreground.
Many women seek the reasons for their reluctance on their own.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Do men know what influence their everyday lives have on their love life?
Michael Cöllen: Most do not want to admit it. They are used to having their erections work. And as soon as that does not work out due to stress or anxiety, they are the most ungracious with themselves. The first reaction is often to cover it up. And the best way to cover them up is to seek sexual replacement. To talk about it with their wives, they lack the courage.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Do you really have to talk about it as a couple, or can the man get that alone?
Michael Cöllen: Sexuality is always teamwork. So problem solving is teamwork too. The woman has to get to know his fears and develop understanding for them. And both need to develop the ability to talk about it together. Many women seek the reasons for their reluctance on their own. Believe that they are too fat or too unattractive. Then they also have to talk about it with their husband. Both partners must openly discuss their fears, desires and fantasies without shame.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Men do not really like to talk about such things.
Michael Cöllen: Yes, because they feel the dialogue about their inner life and their soul as exhausting. Often they also react aggressively when their problem is revealed. Or go completely into the retreat. But if they do not talk about their fears and shame, they can not be broken down.Women often have to act as a kind of development worker.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: If one has been dismissed several times by his partner, one dares but at some point not to a new attempt ...
Michael Cöllen: I think the women should stick to it and not be put off. You should try it - without claws - in all ways: physically, but especially in conversation. If the woman does not stick, then there is no way out of the crisis.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: So do not be confused and repeatedly press for a conversation?
Michael Cöllen: In principle yes, but that must be done with sensitivity. And it should be a conversation that also deals with all other unsettling factors. For example, the stress in professional life. What is really behind the sexual retreat of a man is not easy to discover. This costs time and patience and the willingness to mental intimacy. To enter an insecure man sometimes requires almost therapeutic skills.
Sex is an expression of mindfulness & respect. No couple can do without it
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: But we are not therapists!
Michael Cöllen: Not only the men, but also the women have to react to the social changes with the changed living conditions! In this respect, I concede to the women that they now take the lead in the role of a partner in relation to the man and are helpful to the man. Try to really get to know your husband! Do not just listen to what he says, but look behind his armor out of showiness.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: As a therapist, did you find that women can cope with what they see there?
Michael Cöllen: Most women redeem it. The fact that the prince is disenchanted may be a disappointment at first, but when the knight takes off his armor, one also captures the warmth and feelings of his partner.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: And if I can not find the right words? Does the shot go backwards?
Michael Cöllen: That can happen. Excessive drilling and demands can lead to a total withdrawal. But that would only be an acceleration. Sooner or later, this retreat would come anyway. In this respect, as many and as many new interview attempts are important until you have found the right access.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: How does one realize that a point has been reached where one can not do it alone?
If the repeated rejection is also a permanent injury or the couple solidified in speechlessness, you have to get therapeutic help. And half a year of mutual solidification should be the critical limit.
ChroniquesDuVasteMonde: Is regular sex so important?
Michael Cöllen: Sexuality is part of the basic equipment of humans and is important. It represents the central dialogue between lovers. In addition to the instinct gratification, the mutual desire also says: I think you're great, I appreciate you in your femininity, you me in my masculinity, I like your charisma. Sex is an expression of mindfulness and mutual respect. I do not have this simultaneous exchange of body, mind and soul with a friend, not with my parents or siblings, only with my partner. This merger process is unique in this world. No couple can do without this energy stream. Every couple who does not sleep for three months has to ask themselves: What's wrong with us?
Michael Cöllen is a psychotherapist, couple therapist and director of the German Society for Couple Therapy (GIPP e.V.)
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